Confusion!?

Well, here it is a year and three months since surgery day...I FINALLY know my limits on food! I can still enjoy all the flavors that I love, just a whole lot less! I know I can only eat a small amount and don't try to push it with that "one more bite". I started exercising by doing the C25K. The first day it went well, the next time, it was really difficult. Now I am afraid of failure so I haven't been back. I think that I get so afraid of failing that it is easier to just not try. However, I had a really long ride to my sister's house and then home and I did a lot of thinking. I need to do it and failure is not an option. Tomorrow I will be back on track to my 1st 5K. I am so excited for this summer with the new house and my new self. I think it is going to be the best one in years. I look forward to Niagara Falls, swimming at dad's house, and fixing up this house. I love that I am in such a good place. Now on the other end...physically I feel awesome and things are looking up for me. However, my psyche is not doing so well. I keep thinking that I should no longer teach. Since I am not allowed to write anything in here that could make my coworkers or students look bad, I will leave it at that. I love teaching, I love when that light goes on in their head and they get it...I love laughing with my students and I love being there for them when they need me. What I don't like is when parents and staff members judge me and want me to be who I am not. When they think it is so easy and they haven't got a clue. I hate when people don't understand me and they don't try to understand me. I REALLY hate when I am judged and the judgement is unfair. I only want everyone to be happy and if that is a crime, fire me and quit dragging me through the mud all the time! I really have lost all my self-esteem this year and it hurts to the core of my being! I did not know that teaching was so full of politics...I thought that the union was there to back teachers and not the administration. I am really, really sad that I hate to go to work! The only time I am happy is when I am teaching my students and they are having fun...with our crappy curriculum I barely ever get to teach and have fun. I am forced to test students,do interventions, and teach to the lowest 35% of the students in my class and the other students feel cheated. I get it, I hate it too. I tried to switch positions and to find a place where I would be happy, but that was pulled out from under me too through political bull-crap! So what do I do? How do I get my self esteem back, am I that bad of a teacher? Do I believe what people say? I am so sad...is it worth the pain to continue doing what I love? I have tried to stay out of the politics, but you just can't...it finds you! Well, life is so confusing...am I a good person, or bad...am I a good teacher, or bad...am I a good coworker, or bad, am I a good friend, or bad...am I a good mom, or bad? Confused and right now I am not liking myself at all...but hey I look better...or do I?

Want to Figure it Out!

I have had so much success...I am now a size 12, yet, I still have the mind of a 300 pound woman. I went to dinner tonight and ordered three hard tacos. My mind is still bigger than tummy! Anyway, I eat two and I take a bite of the the third. Rushing to the bathroom I get rid of one taco. When will my mind catch up to my stomach? I know I can't eat that much and yet I continue to eat it. I am so tired of my mind taking over my hunger controls. I just want to remember, this is all I can eat and screw you mind! I need a psychiatrist! LOL!!! I just need to remember that I cannot eat what I want when I want anymore:)

So long since I wrote in here...SARA IS HAVING A BABY! I am so excited!!!! She is due in September and I am just waiting for the day to get here. She is going to be a great mom!!

Work is work...I feel all the frustration of the district and it feels like it is all on my shoulders. I wish I could do something to make it better for all...but I can't. So I go to work and do what I do best and teach...

Linda's Hot Topic!

I have been home sick today (stomach flu...not good...more on that later) and I have been watching the news about Starr Jones and her interview with the ladies. Let me give you an outside perspective...

First of all, weight loss surgery is not an easy process physically or emotionally. Starr was embarrassed that she had let her weight get so out of control. She was in control of everything, except this one aspect of her life. She admitted that she didn't even want to admit that she didn't like being heavy. The decision for weight loss surgery is not an easy decision. This surgery changes your WHOLE life.

Some changes you go through are physical, you start losing weight and you start feeling better, but you are also recovering from a major surgery on your body. It takes a toll on you. After you lose that 60 or 70 pounds your skin starts sagging and you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You hit a plateau and you wonder "what did I do this for?" I am such a loser, then it starts coming off again...I bet it is very similar to being bipolar - you have GREAT days and you have REALLY BAD days too. Sometimes it is as if you are outside your body looking in at a total stranger. It is really difficult to hear people call you skinny or thin, you know you aren't, why do they say that...why not just wow you look good!

When you go from heavy to looking better you start to look at all your friends and families a little different. First, they question your motives for this surgery..."you aren't that heavy" REALLY???? I suppose if I listened to all the people telling me that I would have chickened out...thank the lord that I looked at the facts and not all the nice people. Then when you start losing weight they are simply "AMAZED" at how good you look. Again, REALLY? Because I looked so "hot" when I was 285 pounds. You start getting asked to do things no one ever asked you to do, people that wouldn't talk to you all of a sudden talk to you. It is such a different life. I am so happy that I have all my amazing family and friends and I am so glad that they are proud of me and look at me differently...especially my husband Fred! He is amazed at my change and he has been so supportive! I love him so much.

Emotionally you are like a rock star going to rehab, but need to live your life as if everything is normal. Because you are self conscious. You are losing weight and your clothes start to sag and you are really proud, but you don't want to look conceited. You also want to hide, it has been so easy to lose the weight the first 6 months you feel guilty...I should have been able to do this without surgery. You have to remind yourself that you did try and you did fail, time after time. Are people saying, if she only dieted she could have done this? I worry about that all the time.

I wanted to talk about my weight loss all the time and everyone else was so over it all ready. I needed their support and felt like I was being a baby and that they just thought I needed attention...I really didn't want the attention, I wanted the approval, to be needed, to be the center of attention again for a few minutes to bring that self confidence back I felt in the beginning. I guess this should not be past tense:)

You are an emotional roller coaster! You don't know what to do, how to feel, who to believe. You over react to everything or you don't react at all. You want the world to be all about you and you get angry when it isn't. You want people to remember you are going through so many changes and it is not that you hate them you snapped, it is because your body is changing every second you breath, you haven't learned how to change all those bad habits and it is killing you inside you can't sit down and eat a bag of chips to feel better. Your drug has been taken from you and you are going through withdrawal...literally! There are times I shake because my body craves something to make it less stressed, less anxious, less nervous, less bored...what drugs do for rock stars...food did for me! It made me feel good and comfortable...it was what I thought about all day and lived to find the best...it is a withdrawal like nothing I have ever experienced...even when I quit smoking. I am a foodholich and I live this this the rest of my life, surgery was just to help me, not to fix me...I have to do that myself...and it is an emotional nightmare!

So, when you judge Starr and why she did what she did think about what I have said, why didn't she want to admit it to the world she had surgery...because she wasn't ready to admit it yet to herself. She wasn't emotionally ready. She did what she needed to do to succeed in her life. She did not viciously do what she did when she announced her leaving, she did it to stand up for herself. They said she had 5 great years and then one bad year, that was the hardest year of her life with having that surgery...you should give her some credit and leave her alone.

I also want to say that if you know anyone that has to lose weight and is "grossly obese" weight loss surgery is not a quick cure, but it does help and it forces you to make the decisions you were not able to make before the surgery. You still have to make life changes and learn to live without food and with activity, but it is a step in the right direction! It is not easy to lose weight anyway you do it, but at least the weight loss surgery gave me one tool I was missing, control over how much I eat...it is still my decision what to eat!

I also want to say that I am glad I never was anything but up front about my surgery with everyone. I am embarrassed to say that I was going to do it, and now that I did it...I wish to hell that I could say I did it with diet and exercise alone, but I am do not regret my decision in anyway! With my fill a week ago I am back on track again and plan on losing at least 20 more pounds by summer:) Wish me luck! Love all of you!!!!

Changes

Wow, can you believe it has been almost a year since the surgery? The weight coming off has slowed significantly and I am afraid to get another fill. The last fill I had back in...well a long time ago was an over fill and the pain was awful. I had such a problem getting some removed, I just can't bare that again. I have fallen back into some old habits and I am not proud of that, I also don't feel that I am being as supported as I once was. I guess after a year it is no longer new, people forget that I am still struggling. I also stopped reaching out as I didn't want people to think I was seeking attention. Just so all of you know I am not out of the woods yet.

Since August 17th I have only lost 13 pounds. I know it is still 13 pounds, but it should have been 30. I need to get out there and exercise...I know all the excuses and I use them everyday. I am not liking the way my arms look all saggy and droopy, it is really gross...can't afford any surgery. I am surprised that my stomach isn't gross yet. I have wrinkly legs which I don't like either. I do feel healthier though and I am really on the right track, just need to stick with it!

Changes - so many changes - I am so much more confident, so much more caring, so much more of the person I knew I could be. I am living my dream of moving to Wadsworth in an old farm house...I have the energy to work on it and make it nice. My family is being completed with Sara getting married and talking about starting a family. I have more friends today than I have ever had in my entire life! I feel like I belong and I am here for a reason. I love my new life!

Last night, for the first time ever, my sleep apnea monitor alarm rang. I was in this really deep sleep having this weird dream and I hear this really weird noise in my dream and it slowly draws me to wake up and I look around and I hear this noise and it is coming from my machine...it was really scary. I wanted to wake Fred up and have him hold me, but he was so sound asleep and he has a hard time sleeping. I was really scared though. I am glad I have an appointment next week with the doctor to ask him about it. I am not sure if the correct protocol is to call him, or just let it go. Then I was thinking, maybe I was dreaming the whole time, what if it was a noise in the house I am not used to yet...but I am positive it was my machine alarming. Anyway...it was scary!

Well, as my son says, I need to make some goals and stick with them...my goal is to NOT eat any snacks on Super Bowl Sunday! I will eat my regular meals, some hummus and pita chips or veggies. I need to lay off the wine...even though it is soooo good, stop eating out, and make my breakfast and lunch everyday...oh and start portioning my food again! I think that is enough for awhile...please don't forget that I am still in need of that support! If you see me eating something I shouldn't it is okay to say something! If you see me drinking from a straw...remind me it is not good for me! If you see me sitting around, remind me to get up and move:) Yeah, I get upset, but I need a kick in the butt every now and then, and it also reminds me that I have people that care:)

2012 and beyond!

Here it is 2012 and I am feeling better than I have in YEARS! I have gone from 285 to 205 pounds in less than a year...I have gone from a size 26 to a size 14! I can actually go in a gift shop at a camp ground and buy a coat that fits me! I am amazed at the changes in my.

I spent the weekend with my cousin and her friends, it was quite an experience for me. I felt confident in myself, I was able to hold back my opinions and let others have their thoughts...I was able to relax and have a GREAT time. I was able to keep up them and not feel like I was a burden and most of all...in the pictures I don't stand out as the fat girl! I feel so good. I really had such a good time laughing, letting go of my inhibitions and making new friends.

In the beginning of my journey I would blog that I wish I could just eat and not think about it so much...that it would be normal, not so mechanical. I guess now I realize that with my life change it is not ever going to be like that for me, I will always have to talk about it, make a big deal about it and make it a part of my life to plan and talk about weight and food...if I don't it is too easy to forget that I need to be careful. I know people are sick of hearing about my battle of the bulge, but...it is going to be the center of my life for the next year or so at least! I am doing good at this point, but I could be doing better!

Oh yeah, I had my first check up with Dr. Dilla my GP last week. She reduced my blood pressure medicine to half dose and possibly all the way off in a month. Also she is going to take me off the cholesterol medicine too...so excited! This is what healthy is all about!!!

My goal for the next month is to get back on track and start looking at organic foods. I would like to get a little more organic in my diet just because I feel like I should get healthier. I need to get back to the right portion sizes and back to good foods and NO MORE SNACKS!!!!!! Alcohol will be once or twice a week...no more daily. I am so lucky I have not gained any weight back and have been able to maintain my loss. However, I am finding myself reverting to some of my old habits. I also need to reach out and let everyone know that I still need their help with this...if you see me reach for a fry or a chip...just say, "is that what you really want?" Three meals a day, three snacks a day, drink my water and stay away from alcohol...sounds easy! WE'll SEE!

Love you all...keep hanging in there with me! I still need you and this is still REALLY hard for me!

Slow Progress

It has been really slow progress the last two months. Weigh in Wednesday this week was finally a good sight! I finally am down to 205 pounds. I can't complain since I haven't gained weight. My goal is to be at 185 by my one year mark on February 15th. That would be a 100 pound loss, I am pretty sure I can do that with the move and everything else that is going on in my life at this time.

I am so grateful to have my life back on track...knees aren't sore anymore, I can walk around and feel good...I have more energy. Had blood work done and the results came back that everything is great as far as my vitamins, minerals, liver, and kidneys...that was good news for me!

If you ask me, this is a great way to lose weight. I see commercials on TV and news shows about these miraculous 100 pounds off in a year, and they all stress that they were done without surgery...don't they realize that surgery is a last resort and if you ask me, it is not an easy out! It is just as difficult as if you do it without the surgery, but you can feel successful. Before surgery I would lose 20 pounds, gain 5 back, get depressed then gain the 20 back plus the 5. With this program I can go a few weeks without any weight loss, but I have never gained a pound back...that helps keep your spirits up. I just don't believe that anyone with a weight problem can lose that much weight without help. I would recommend this to anyone that has to lose 70 pounds or more...it just makes sense and it is truly a way to change your entire life. You need to do the before surgery seminars, you need to change your mindset, and you need to have a really great support network to be successful. I have been luck to have all of that in place for me. If you have less than 70 pounds you don't need to go this drastic. You should be able to lose that through a strict, physician guided, weight loss program. If you are thinking of having this surgery talk to me and I will be happy to help you through the process!

So this moving thing is a pain in the butt! I want to be closing today and now have to wait until January 18th! The problem is with the seller, not us. I just hope I don't have to get anymore paperwork or letters together over the next two weeks...if I do, I will scream!!!! I can't believe all the crap you have to go through to buy a house. I am surprised I didn't have to chart all my bowel movements for two months to get the loan. I wish I would have said NO to the changing of the closing date, it is what really messed us up. If we would of had the original date of 12/30...we would be closing today! Now they can't get their bum of a brother out of the house and Fred is worried the house is damaged, and they had a party there a week ago and did they do anything during the party...ugh! Just want this to be done!

Happy New Year!

Loving Life

I am down to 209 today! I love my new life. I have more energy, I feel like a real person again and I am really happy with my life. Do you know what it feels like to go from a size 24/26 to a 13/14? It feels totally amazing!!!! My new nick name is Linda the incredible shrinking woman...and I love every moment of shrinking.

There are some pitfalls to this diet and I need to talk about those. It is difficult to eat. What was once my way of comforting myself and making myself feel good, is now painful. If I eat to fast it hurts really bad, if I eat too much I throw up, if something gets stuck it is painful and I throw up. I had to leave work one day because a piece of a sausage burrito was stuck and I spent the day throwing up and in pain. I only eat when I need to and most times I don't look forward to it; which is totally opposite of my past life. The only foods I cannot eat are bread, reheated meat, and cereal and I have not missed these foods as much as I thought I would.

I have a hard time getting in enough protein at times and I am obsessed with label reading and only eat foods with 2 grams or more of protein! When I don't get enough protein I space out and I have a hard time concentrating. It is really difficult for me at work. I am not sure if everyone realizes how hard this is on me and how my focus can get lost. This week I am going to try to do a protein shake before work and hopefully that will help. I have become obsessed with label reading and will not eat anything with less than 2 grams of protein. Did you know that turkey bacon only has 2 grams of protein and sausage link have 9 grams, for a few extra fat grams I can get 3 times the protein with sausage! It amazes me what I learn. I have learned to enjoy every bite of every meal, to use small plates, and to only eat what I love!

There are also some great things about this diet too...those include the fact that I can eat almost anything I want, just very slowly and not too much. I don't have to count calories, grams of fat or carbs...just need to make sure I get my protein. I still have to remind myself to stay away from chips and dip because they are a slider food and they go down way to easy. However, I can have a few and then I am done. I don't feel like I am being cheated out of anything.

I have gone through weeks and weeks of no weight change, and that is frustrating. However, over the last eight months I have learned that no weight loss is so much better than weight gain, which I have not done! That frustration of every diet is not haunting my, I do not lose a pound and wonder when I will gain it back with two more. I know that every pound lost may be slow, but it is permanent...that is the best feeling of all.

I have changed so much in the last 8 months! I guess that is why I get so frustrated when the administration tells me I need to change. I feel that I have done so many changes and I enjoy myself now. I am more confident and that makes me a little more aggressive when it comes to what I want and they don't like my approach. Well, it took me 51 years to be able to speak up for myself, excuse me if it takes me a few more to perfect the approach. I know in my heart I am a great person, and I have proof because I have the best family and friends and they love me for who I am...and that is what counts the most. I may lose my job for my approach, but I will always have my friends and family!!! Love you all and thanks for hanging in there with me in the good times and the bad times!!!

One last thing...Taylor...Thank you for being there for me in the last few months in my thoughts and dreams. You have truly inspired me and for that I am thankful. I know that God took you for reasons of his own, but through his work you have helped me see the light and for that you will always be a part of me!