Let me see, where do I begin? I have been through a lot in the last few months. I am at 100 pounds lost and feeling really good! I have the saggy skin now and it bothers me more now. I guess at first I was proud that I had lost all that weight and the hanging arms was a sign of success, now it is just a reminder of where I was. I wish I was rich! It is what it is! "It is what it is" happens to be my new motto. Today I am going to focus my blog on Family, Friends, and Work and how through it all, "IT IS WHAT IT IS!"
Friendship is a very hard subject for me to discuss. I really do not feel like I have very many "friends". I have people that love me and support me, but I don't think I have many friends, outside of family, that really truly know me and understand me. It really is not their fault, it is mine. I don't allow anyone inside because I have trust issues, if I can't trust you, I am not your friend. Through my life I have let people in to my life, heart, and soul only to be reminded that when it comes right down to it, when you really, really need them, they let you down. They get tired of your complaining, bragging, they stop listening or they do something stupid and they lose my trust. I have about three friends that I know are my best friends. I have had these friends for many years. Not that I talk to them every day, but I know if I called them, they would be there for me! I trust them to be there if I need them! You know who you are:) I also have friends that I love and I love to hang out with, but I don't let them in to the real me. They know me as a coworker or a friend of a friend, or someone fun to hang out with, but they don't know the real me. Best of all I am in the process of making new friends everyday! The good news is that I think I am in the process of making a new friend. I have one new person in my life that I think will be a best friend, I feel so comfortable with her and trust her with all my thoughts and secrets and she in return has let me into her life. It is exciting to make new friends. I am opening my self up more and more to accepting people in to my life. With opening yourself up, sometimes you set yourself up for disappointments, it is what it is though.
Family is where it is at! I look at my husband and wonder...why...why do you love me? In the long run the answer to that question can never be answered to my satisfaction. The fact is he does love me and that is all that matters. My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me! October 7th will be our 34th anniversary!!!!!! For a couple that were not suppose to last a year, we certainly have proved the statistics wrong. How did we last this long? Love, laughter, talking, arguing, making up, and just loving to be together! I never put anything above my love for him, not kids, money, jobs, or anything. I knew that someday the kids would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with my husband. In order for us to survive I needed to make sure I still had his love when they left the nest or I wouldn't have anything...they have all flown the nest and we are still as in love today as we were 34 years ago, and in many ways more in love than ever! In the last few months I have learned that my husband is more sensitive than I had ever thought in my life with him. I am working harder than ever to be more empathetic to his sensitivity. It is what it is and it is great!
My children...what can I say? I must have done something right in this area. Sure I made some HUGE mistakes as a parent, I could have been more sympathetic to their needs when they were little, but they always knew how much I truly loved them. They are all married to wonderful people, they are all wonderful parents, they all have excellent careers, and most of all they appreciate what I have done for them in their life of growing up. When they call just to say "I love you" That is truly the highlight of my life. It lets me know that even with all the mistakes I have made, I must have done something right to have my children love me as much as they do. I can't do everything for them and I can't make it all great for them, but I can be there for them when they need me! It is what it is and I love them with all my heart!
I also have the best sister in the world! I wish I could see her more often, but again, it is what it is:) When we do see each other it is like we are 10 and 12 again and my jaws hurt from the laughter. I could never have asked for a better sister in the world. My other sister is more difficult. I am trying hard to allow her back in my life, but it really difficult! I feel I need her in my life, I am not sure if I can have her in my life. It is a difficult situation and I need to deal with it, someday, not today. But no matter what she is my sister and I do love her, just not sure if I like her. Maybe the trust will come back, just not there yet. It is what it is and I have learned to accept my trust limits.
My husbands family is my family! I love them all and I know that if I ever needed anything they would all be there for me. I am so glad I have all of them in my life!!!! Dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles! They are are so special to me! The best days of my memories are spending holidays and pool days with this extended family. They accept me for who I am. In the last few months I have moved closer the the family and it has been great to get to know them better. It is what it is and it is not perfect, but it is mine...my family
My mom is a whole post of its own! Love her with all my heart and of all the people in the world she is by far my best friend! She is the person that created me and made me who I am! You should be proud mom, you did a great job. At least I think you did;) In the last few months I have thought about life without my mom and then I realize I don't want to think about it! It is to hard a concept to envision. I love you and don't think I can live without you in my life. It is what it is and you are the best mom in the world!
I have complained so much about work, I just want the world to know how lucky I am to be a teacher! I love the students and I love being with them everyday. I don't know what I would do without their smiles and laughter. This year I went back from my summer with a new outlook on my teaching. I am not there to make friends, I am there to make the lives of my students better, not the lives of my coworkers. I am there to be a teacher and not make friends. If people don't like me, it is okay...as long as you can work with me on a professional level, that is all that matters. In the past 6 months I have been let down by so many coworkers that I thought were friends. It made me a negative person, and there is no room for negativity at work! I learned that no one you work with is a friend, unless they support you in work and out of work. I have many people at work that are friends, and I have many people at work that pretend to be my friend. It is fine to pretend, but when it comes to my heart, don't break it! If I can't trust you to support me when we are in a meeting and you know I need the support you are not a friend, you are a coworker. If you think you can do my job better, you are not a friend you are a coworker. If you say, "yes" to taking something away from me without even thinking about how it would effect me and you are more concerned with promoting your career over our friendship than we are not friends. That is fine, just don't pretend. It is what it is, you made the choice, not me! I can still work with you, I can still like you, but I just don't think I can ever trust you again, and trust is what a friendship is all about. I learned that I cannot step over that line with many coworkers. When you put your heart out there and you get nothing in return it hurts. It is really funny, but with some coworkers you think they are friends, but once they leave or you leave, they are gone from your life too. That means they were never really a friend, they were coworkers...I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...I do this all the time to people and didn't even realize I was doing it to them. So many times I have stepped over the line and trusted a coworker to be a friend and when it came right down to it, they were just a coworker and not a friend...silly me! Don't get me wrong, all of my coworkers reading this, I have MANY friends where I work and I trust you! You know who you are, I tell you things I would never tell a coworker, I trust you! Some of you were coworkers, now you are not and we are still friends, I trust you! In the last year I have found that some, "friends" that I work with were not really friends, it is sad, but it is what it is, just don't trust them with your heart and secrets ever again. I am still open to making a coworker a friend, but it is really difficult to weed out the real friends over just a coworker. I may have trust issues in the future with all coworkers. It is what it is and it is work, not a social club!
I tend to write a lot when I have nervous energy...Sara is due any minute and I am so anxious to meet baby Holly! Tonight at 5pm will be the induction. It is what it is and we will find out soon if it is a boy or a girl!
It is what it is and it is great to be alive and loved by so many people, the ones that truly love me for me, the ones I trust, the ones that are in it for both of us...you know who you are! Love you:)
