Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003
The only problems I have is not being able to ride a horse, walk 200 feet, walk upstairs, and sleep at night, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, pre-diabetes or go in public in shorts...I think these will be cured by losing weight...I do not have any problems with my husband, job, kids, or life! So this diet should fix me totally:) COOL! I am getting more and more pumped everyday:)
Myself
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Scary!
Date is set...thanks for all your help in selecting a good date:) I chose February 15th! It is set in stone now!!! No going back...I can do it, I can do it, I can do it....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Holy Cow
I really can't believe I am doing this! I have been preparing and I am ready, but it is crazy telling people...at first a few, then my blog, now people at work. It is amazing how much more it seems like reality when you start talking about something.
I love to see peoples reactions...some are surprised, some are concerned and yet others are just confused. I just know that every time I tell someone I am being judged. I obviously know that I am "Morbidly Obese" other wise I wouldn't be doing this. I love when some one says, "Do you really need to lose that much weight?" I am not sure if they are being nice or they just don't see me clearly. When I started this process I was 130 pounds over weight...yes I think I qualify for the surgery. I don't even want to get down to my normal weight for my height. I just want to be healthy again!
You get to a point where you just want to change and can't do it on your own. You don't want people to laugh at you all the time, or when you go out to eat, they look at you with disgust. I look at me with disgust! I think almost everyone has been on a diet...could you imagine being on a diet and starving for three years...that is how long it would take me to lose this amount of weight. I just don't have that will power! With this surgery I will not feel hungry, I will still have cravings, but I can satisfy those cravings in a few bites...instead of the entire bag or box.
I can't wait to start blogging about my experience with surgery and weight loss...
This next few days my goal is to drink one protein shake a day and start taking my vitamins daily...I hate vitamins:(
I love to see peoples reactions...some are surprised, some are concerned and yet others are just confused. I just know that every time I tell someone I am being judged. I obviously know that I am "Morbidly Obese" other wise I wouldn't be doing this. I love when some one says, "Do you really need to lose that much weight?" I am not sure if they are being nice or they just don't see me clearly. When I started this process I was 130 pounds over weight...yes I think I qualify for the surgery. I don't even want to get down to my normal weight for my height. I just want to be healthy again!
You get to a point where you just want to change and can't do it on your own. You don't want people to laugh at you all the time, or when you go out to eat, they look at you with disgust. I look at me with disgust! I think almost everyone has been on a diet...could you imagine being on a diet and starving for three years...that is how long it would take me to lose this amount of weight. I just don't have that will power! With this surgery I will not feel hungry, I will still have cravings, but I can satisfy those cravings in a few bites...instead of the entire bag or box.
I can't wait to start blogging about my experience with surgery and weight loss...
This next few days my goal is to drink one protein shake a day and start taking my vitamins daily...I hate vitamins:(
Monday, January 24, 2011
Timing
Have you ever thought about how timing effects your life. There are so many things that happen to you because of the right timing. I would never have met Fred if I didn't work at the Holiday Inn. It took him two years to ask me out...the timing was right. Would we have fallen so deeply in love at 16? Probably not...
Everything you do is based on timing...or is everything fate?
Was it fate that I met Fred and fell in love immediately? Fate seems so permanent, it can't be changed. No matter what you do, things are going to happen the way fate has chosen for you. At least with timing, things can be changed.
So is everything fate, timing, or coincidence...lets throw in coincidence to keep things interesting. Fate - you have no choice, it will happen no matter what you do. Timing - it depends on when things happen to you. If I wasn't there at that time, would things be different? Coincidence - Things just happen by accident...it has nothing to do with timing, or fate...things just happen because they do...With fate your life is predetermined and can't change, with timing you life depends on where you are and who you are with, and with coincidence nothing is set, things happen because of your previous choices and life is an adventure.
Lets say I have to make the choice to have the lap band surgery. Has fate already predetermined that I will or will not get the surgery. That would mean no matter what I do now it is not my choice...I have to depend on fate to take me on the path that was chosen for me.
What if it is a matter of timing? I have been working on this since August...if I would have just started yesterday, would I still be looking at 2 weeks for my surgical date? In this case it wouldn't matter what I did, the timing had to be right for it to happen.
How about coincidence? Is this all just a series of coincidences that has put me in the position to even consider this surgery? One thing led to another and here I am...if I would have changed one thing, the outcome would be different. Will the surgery be lucky, fluke, a chance, or an accident. Anything can happen with coincidences.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as fate, I don't want to think that my life was predetermined the minute I was conceived and I had no choices in my life. I like to think that life is a series of fortunate and unfortunate coincidences and a lot of good and bad timing. Coincidences are not predetermined and do not happen based on your choices. Coincidence happens...whether good or bad. If everything is coincidences then timing is also a series of coincidences...some good and some bad.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or not, but my choice is made and I hope that by coincidence and timing everything will be fine. I hope that fate plays no roll in my choice!
Here is a choice I need help to make...should I do surgery on February 8th, which would ruin my husbands snowmobile trip, and I would have to take 6 days off work and do 6 lesson plans, but I want this done ASAP or should I have the surgery on February 15th, which would be over my birthday, but I would only have to do 4 lesson plans because Friday is teacher institute and Monday is no school...remember if I don't have the right timing things may not work out best:)
Everything you do is based on timing...or is everything fate?
Was it fate that I met Fred and fell in love immediately? Fate seems so permanent, it can't be changed. No matter what you do, things are going to happen the way fate has chosen for you. At least with timing, things can be changed.
So is everything fate, timing, or coincidence...lets throw in coincidence to keep things interesting. Fate - you have no choice, it will happen no matter what you do. Timing - it depends on when things happen to you. If I wasn't there at that time, would things be different? Coincidence - Things just happen by accident...it has nothing to do with timing, or fate...things just happen because they do...With fate your life is predetermined and can't change, with timing you life depends on where you are and who you are with, and with coincidence nothing is set, things happen because of your previous choices and life is an adventure.
Lets say I have to make the choice to have the lap band surgery. Has fate already predetermined that I will or will not get the surgery. That would mean no matter what I do now it is not my choice...I have to depend on fate to take me on the path that was chosen for me.
What if it is a matter of timing? I have been working on this since August...if I would have just started yesterday, would I still be looking at 2 weeks for my surgical date? In this case it wouldn't matter what I did, the timing had to be right for it to happen.
How about coincidence? Is this all just a series of coincidences that has put me in the position to even consider this surgery? One thing led to another and here I am...if I would have changed one thing, the outcome would be different. Will the surgery be lucky, fluke, a chance, or an accident. Anything can happen with coincidences.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as fate, I don't want to think that my life was predetermined the minute I was conceived and I had no choices in my life. I like to think that life is a series of fortunate and unfortunate coincidences and a lot of good and bad timing. Coincidences are not predetermined and do not happen based on your choices. Coincidence happens...whether good or bad. If everything is coincidences then timing is also a series of coincidences...some good and some bad.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or not, but my choice is made and I hope that by coincidence and timing everything will be fine. I hope that fate plays no roll in my choice!
Here is a choice I need help to make...should I do surgery on February 8th, which would ruin my husbands snowmobile trip, and I would have to take 6 days off work and do 6 lesson plans, but I want this done ASAP or should I have the surgery on February 15th, which would be over my birthday, but I would only have to do 4 lesson plans because Friday is teacher institute and Monday is no school...remember if I don't have the right timing things may not work out best:)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Pre-approved!
Finally! I am pre-approved...now I am TERRIFIED! I have to wait until Monday to schedule the surgery, but it will be done in the next few weeks. This is the hardest decision of my life! The only time I was more afraid was when I was 18 and pregnant with my son and I had no idea what it was like to be in pain and have a baby. I had to go through with it, even though I didn't want to...now I am at the same point, I have to go through with this, even though I have doubts. My life is going to change sooooo much.
So after I get my surgery date, I have to start on a 10 day liquid protein diet. I can have jello (which I hate, but I might learn to love), broth, protein drinks, "water" fruits and veggies (watermelon, celery, cucumbers). The reason for this is to shrink your liver so the surgery will be easier. I guess your liver covers part of your stomach and the smaller it is the easier it is fro them to put the band around the stomach. I will probably lose about 20 pounds just preparing for surgery (that only leaves 105 more to go).
After surgery I have to be on a full liquid diet for 2 weeks, then a puree diet for 2-4 weeks and then add foods as tolerated. I am hoping to be at my goal weight in 1 year:) Which is pretty exciting! This time I know I will do it and I will stay at a healthy weight for the rest of my life.
I look forward to being healthy, hiking, canoeing, hunting, horseback riding, and generally just doing anything I want to do! I can't wait until I can go into a store and not have to look at "plus size" clothing again...at least in the last few years they have become more stylish. I am so ready for my life to change and not let food be the center of my life anymore, but something I need to exist.
I am going to need all your support now! Don't fail me:)
So after I get my surgery date, I have to start on a 10 day liquid protein diet. I can have jello (which I hate, but I might learn to love), broth, protein drinks, "water" fruits and veggies (watermelon, celery, cucumbers). The reason for this is to shrink your liver so the surgery will be easier. I guess your liver covers part of your stomach and the smaller it is the easier it is fro them to put the band around the stomach. I will probably lose about 20 pounds just preparing for surgery (that only leaves 105 more to go).
After surgery I have to be on a full liquid diet for 2 weeks, then a puree diet for 2-4 weeks and then add foods as tolerated. I am hoping to be at my goal weight in 1 year:) Which is pretty exciting! This time I know I will do it and I will stay at a healthy weight for the rest of my life.
I look forward to being healthy, hiking, canoeing, hunting, horseback riding, and generally just doing anything I want to do! I can't wait until I can go into a store and not have to look at "plus size" clothing again...at least in the last few years they have become more stylish. I am so ready for my life to change and not let food be the center of my life anymore, but something I need to exist.
I am going to need all your support now! Don't fail me:)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Days 5, 6, 7, 8....
I didn't want to bore everyone with a lot of posts. After reading the ones I already posted I am not sure that I can keep up that prophetic writing...well today I wanted to talk about family. Family is everything in your life. No matter what happens you will always love blood.
I can truly say that I married my soul mate. Being married to Fred has made me realize that if there is reincarnation we were definitely together in another life. We jut fit! We laugh at the same things, and at times we say the same thing at the same time, we are constantly trying to call each other when the other one is calling. We will be thinking the same thing and we are surprised when the other says it aloud. We like the same foods, we love being together, we support each other, we share in all we do. It is so easy to be with him. He is my life! My life was completed that summer day in 1978 when he put a necklace around my neck and told me that he loved me.
Like all moms I think my children are perfect...I truly do!!!! They have not all graduated from an ivy league college or won thousands of sports awards, or got all straight A's in school. They we normal everyday children. However, they have grown into better than normal adults. They all have awesome significant others, there may have been doubts at how happy they would be, but they have washed all those doubts away and I know they have all chosen the person that best fits with them! They are hard workers, great parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The one trait that I would say is their best is their love for us as parents. They love to just hang out with us. When we have family gatherings it is more like a bunch of best friends getting together and having fun. It is so awesome to have the best kids in the world and I am not being prejudiced...I truly believe they are!!!!
My parents...well what can I say. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and my dad was a cop...that says most of it. Those were the days of getting spanked when you needed it, slapped when you talked back, mouth washed out with soap for swearing...those were the days. I can truly say that when I was a young teenager I thought my parents were the meanest people in the world. I would plan my runaway...my dad always said, "You can run away if you want, but I know cops all over the country and I will find you." In my wonderful way of thinking I came up with a plan of never getting caught...I was going to run away to the panhandle in Oklahoma...I just knew no one would find me there! However, I never tried my foolproof plan out. As I grew, my parents mellowed, and I fell in love with them.
When my dad was bed ridden with emphysema I wished I could have given him my lungs so he could live. He was a hard man to love, but when he let you in there was no getting out. He played mister strong and mighty, but I learned he was really a pussy cat in a lions body. He loved us all and would have done anything for us. It was hard for him to show love because I think that he was not shown much love as a child...but once I knocked down that wall and learned to know and understand him, I learned that he was the best father I could ever of had. He taught me how to work hard, tell the truth, be respectful, laugh, play jokes on others, work for what I want, love to have fun and that you can't take it with you so why save:) In some ways the last one gets me into trouble, but I am always having fun in my life. He taught me to shoot, fish, camp. He taught me to ride motorcycles, astronomy, history, to love the west and many, many more things. I am who I am because of him...I miss him everyday!
My mom is my rock. We have had our ups and downs in life, but she has always been honest with me. She has been there when I needed her, but never put her nose in where it didn't belong. She loves with all her heart, but is not the hugging, kissy kind of a mom. She is the lunch and coffee type of mom where you can have a real conversation and not feel you have to be someone else. I can relax around her. When she is around I feel like I am whole. She taught me that I am smart, she respected me to make my own decisions, she let me fail, but was there when I needed to be picked up. She never offered help, but was always will to help when I needed her. She taught me how to be patient and kind. She taught me it is better to laugh then to cry. I do not know what I am going to do when she is gone, she is my best friend!
My sisters...well here is a book in itself. I have two sisters...I talk to one. It is not that I don't love both, but I hate drama, I am more sensitive then I allow most people to see. I cry easily and have low self esteem. My one sister played to all of those things...she made me cry, made me angry, made my self esteem go lower, and created drama...I just don't need that in my life. I don't even know if she knew how much she hurts people by making promises and then not following through...saying she will be there and then never shows, it hurts and it is hard to deal with. You get to a certain point when you say...I know that I love you, you are my blood, but I just can't really have you in my life.
The second sister reminds me of my mom! She is the one person in my life I an count on the most. She is the most caring, honest, trusting, and a truly loving person I know. She is my idol, my role model, my guidance counselor, my psychologist, my doctor, my friend. She has taught me to love with all I have, work hard, and never give up! She makes me laugh, she teaches me new things every time I talk to her. I wish I would win the lotto because I would send her to college! She is so smart and has the best personality, she should have a doctors degree! I think this because she is so determined she would have cured almost all of those nasty diseases that no one seems to be able to crack. She would be an award winning doctor, that I know for sure. She is driven and won't stop until she gets what she wants, or gets you what you want. She is the perfect sister. The only thing I hate about her is that she lives so far away and I don't get to see her every day!
I have many more family...grandchildren cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, father-in law, bother in laws, sister in laws and more! They have all shaped me into who I am...
I guess with all this love in my family why would I need to eat to fill a gap? Really, after writing this, I don't need to. My goal is to not eat to fill those emotional gaps I have. When I start to feel sorry for myself, or think no one loves me...I will read this again and remember that I have people that love me.
I also have great friends to...all my Palombi pals, Joanne, Connie, Carol, Al, Michelle, Gail, Kim, Bob, Kari, LeeAnne, Mallory, Joey, Bill, Keith, Melissa, Kevin, Kelly, Kelly, Cassie, Jaime, Jen, Heather, and many, many more...sorry I can't name you all! Love all of you!!!!! Thank you for your support!!!
I can truly say that I married my soul mate. Being married to Fred has made me realize that if there is reincarnation we were definitely together in another life. We jut fit! We laugh at the same things, and at times we say the same thing at the same time, we are constantly trying to call each other when the other one is calling. We will be thinking the same thing and we are surprised when the other says it aloud. We like the same foods, we love being together, we support each other, we share in all we do. It is so easy to be with him. He is my life! My life was completed that summer day in 1978 when he put a necklace around my neck and told me that he loved me.
Like all moms I think my children are perfect...I truly do!!!! They have not all graduated from an ivy league college or won thousands of sports awards, or got all straight A's in school. They we normal everyday children. However, they have grown into better than normal adults. They all have awesome significant others, there may have been doubts at how happy they would be, but they have washed all those doubts away and I know they have all chosen the person that best fits with them! They are hard workers, great parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The one trait that I would say is their best is their love for us as parents. They love to just hang out with us. When we have family gatherings it is more like a bunch of best friends getting together and having fun. It is so awesome to have the best kids in the world and I am not being prejudiced...I truly believe they are!!!!
My parents...well what can I say. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and my dad was a cop...that says most of it. Those were the days of getting spanked when you needed it, slapped when you talked back, mouth washed out with soap for swearing...those were the days. I can truly say that when I was a young teenager I thought my parents were the meanest people in the world. I would plan my runaway...my dad always said, "You can run away if you want, but I know cops all over the country and I will find you." In my wonderful way of thinking I came up with a plan of never getting caught...I was going to run away to the panhandle in Oklahoma...I just knew no one would find me there! However, I never tried my foolproof plan out. As I grew, my parents mellowed, and I fell in love with them.
When my dad was bed ridden with emphysema I wished I could have given him my lungs so he could live. He was a hard man to love, but when he let you in there was no getting out. He played mister strong and mighty, but I learned he was really a pussy cat in a lions body. He loved us all and would have done anything for us. It was hard for him to show love because I think that he was not shown much love as a child...but once I knocked down that wall and learned to know and understand him, I learned that he was the best father I could ever of had. He taught me how to work hard, tell the truth, be respectful, laugh, play jokes on others, work for what I want, love to have fun and that you can't take it with you so why save:) In some ways the last one gets me into trouble, but I am always having fun in my life. He taught me to shoot, fish, camp. He taught me to ride motorcycles, astronomy, history, to love the west and many, many more things. I am who I am because of him...I miss him everyday!
My mom is my rock. We have had our ups and downs in life, but she has always been honest with me. She has been there when I needed her, but never put her nose in where it didn't belong. She loves with all her heart, but is not the hugging, kissy kind of a mom. She is the lunch and coffee type of mom where you can have a real conversation and not feel you have to be someone else. I can relax around her. When she is around I feel like I am whole. She taught me that I am smart, she respected me to make my own decisions, she let me fail, but was there when I needed to be picked up. She never offered help, but was always will to help when I needed her. She taught me how to be patient and kind. She taught me it is better to laugh then to cry. I do not know what I am going to do when she is gone, she is my best friend!
My sisters...well here is a book in itself. I have two sisters...I talk to one. It is not that I don't love both, but I hate drama, I am more sensitive then I allow most people to see. I cry easily and have low self esteem. My one sister played to all of those things...she made me cry, made me angry, made my self esteem go lower, and created drama...I just don't need that in my life. I don't even know if she knew how much she hurts people by making promises and then not following through...saying she will be there and then never shows, it hurts and it is hard to deal with. You get to a certain point when you say...I know that I love you, you are my blood, but I just can't really have you in my life.
The second sister reminds me of my mom! She is the one person in my life I an count on the most. She is the most caring, honest, trusting, and a truly loving person I know. She is my idol, my role model, my guidance counselor, my psychologist, my doctor, my friend. She has taught me to love with all I have, work hard, and never give up! She makes me laugh, she teaches me new things every time I talk to her. I wish I would win the lotto because I would send her to college! She is so smart and has the best personality, she should have a doctors degree! I think this because she is so determined she would have cured almost all of those nasty diseases that no one seems to be able to crack. She would be an award winning doctor, that I know for sure. She is driven and won't stop until she gets what she wants, or gets you what you want. She is the perfect sister. The only thing I hate about her is that she lives so far away and I don't get to see her every day!
I have many more family...grandchildren cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, father-in law, bother in laws, sister in laws and more! They have all shaped me into who I am...
I guess with all this love in my family why would I need to eat to fill a gap? Really, after writing this, I don't need to. My goal is to not eat to fill those emotional gaps I have. When I start to feel sorry for myself, or think no one loves me...I will read this again and remember that I have people that love me.
I also have great friends to...all my Palombi pals, Joanne, Connie, Carol, Al, Michelle, Gail, Kim, Bob, Kari, LeeAnne, Mallory, Joey, Bill, Keith, Melissa, Kevin, Kelly, Kelly, Cassie, Jaime, Jen, Heather, and many, many more...sorry I can't name you all! Love all of you!!!!! Thank you for your support!!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Day 4
First of all...thank everyone for your support it is really keeping me on track knowing that there are so many of you who truly care!
Second, the parent concern was really nothing. I knew it would be nothing, but when a parent calls you always have to think back to every thing said and done in the last few weeks...self doubt is a horrible feeling! Anyway, everything is fine, but I still wish that every once in awhile a few parents would call and say what a great job you are doing. Just saying...
Third, I am sick today...fever cough, sore throat. I am sure you won't mind if I keep this short and sweet:)
Being sick brings to mind that I love comfort foods...and almost all foods comfort me...LOL! It will be most difficult for me when I need that comfort food not to reach for it. Like when I am calm I go for popcorn, feeling blue reeses peanut butter cups, romantic Chinese food, tropical Mexican, lonely chips...you get the idea!
Anything I do is brought together with food...the kids are...coming get snacks, going to a friends...whats for dinner, football, baseball any sport...all about the snacks and if going to game all about the tailgating...
I need to learn that food is not why I need friends or like sports. Food neither makes my mood or feeds my moods. Food is something I need to live! I don't need a 1 pound steak to stay a live...it is a new way of thinking and habits die hard:)
Second, the parent concern was really nothing. I knew it would be nothing, but when a parent calls you always have to think back to every thing said and done in the last few weeks...self doubt is a horrible feeling! Anyway, everything is fine, but I still wish that every once in awhile a few parents would call and say what a great job you are doing. Just saying...
Third, I am sick today...fever cough, sore throat. I am sure you won't mind if I keep this short and sweet:)
Being sick brings to mind that I love comfort foods...and almost all foods comfort me...LOL! It will be most difficult for me when I need that comfort food not to reach for it. Like when I am calm I go for popcorn, feeling blue reeses peanut butter cups, romantic Chinese food, tropical Mexican, lonely chips...you get the idea!
Anything I do is brought together with food...the kids are...coming get snacks, going to a friends...whats for dinner, football, baseball any sport...all about the snacks and if going to game all about the tailgating...
I need to learn that food is not why I need friends or like sports. Food neither makes my mood or feeds my moods. Food is something I need to live! I don't need a 1 pound steak to stay a live...it is a new way of thinking and habits die hard:)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 3
Really? I mean Really? I love teaching, but I hate the parent thing. I am being called to the principals office because a parent called. I have no idea what it is for, but my WHOLE night is ruined and I ate WAY too much! Don't they understand that we get paid for 7.5 hours a day and we have about 12 hours a day of work? Don't they understand that we do our best and love their kids, but we can't be all? Here is just the short list of things I do during my day besides the 6.5 hours of direct teaching.
Don't get me wrong, like I said, I love the teaching and being with the students part, but I hate that parents believe everything a 12 year old tells them, I hate that parents don't trust teachers, I hate that the government makes it sound like it is the teachers fault our schools our failing, I hate that people don't really see what is going on inside schools...
I have a masters degree as a reading specialist and parents and administration treat me like I just graduated 8th grade! They do not trust my professional judgment. It is a wonder that any teacher stays more than a year or two as a teacher. Should I call it quits?
I will wait and see what is in store for me in the morning, in the meantime I will not sleep, and be unable to concentrate...is this really the life I need now?
Hmmmmm....wonder why I overeat?
- Meeting with team or sped.
- Lesson planning for mini lessons
- lesson planning for guided reading groups
- lesson planning for word work
- lesson planning for writing
- making copies
- differentiating curriculum
- creating worksheets
- creating test/quizzes
- sped paper work
- more meetings
- grading papers
- committees
- social worker for students
- behavior planning
- assessing students
- observing students
- caring for students
- remembering the 200 things we need to do during the day
- any other job as assigned
Don't get me wrong, like I said, I love the teaching and being with the students part, but I hate that parents believe everything a 12 year old tells them, I hate that parents don't trust teachers, I hate that the government makes it sound like it is the teachers fault our schools our failing, I hate that people don't really see what is going on inside schools...
I have a masters degree as a reading specialist and parents and administration treat me like I just graduated 8th grade! They do not trust my professional judgment. It is a wonder that any teacher stays more than a year or two as a teacher. Should I call it quits?
I will wait and see what is in store for me in the morning, in the meantime I will not sleep, and be unable to concentrate...is this really the life I need now?
Hmmmmm....wonder why I overeat?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 2
Friendship - Almost the entire world is on some social networking page. We put our dream, hopes, fears, jokes, likes, and dislikes out there for everyone to see. Why? Because we seek to be accepted and needed! I have some of the best friends in the world. I am one of those people that tends to hide who I really am for fear of rejection. It is very difficult for me to put myself out there and open up to the point of letting people see the real me.
I was looking through my senior yearbook a few days ago (long story on why) and I was reading all the writings about me. Reading these notes I realized that no one in high school ever knew who I really was. My fears, my hopes, my dreams. In every note it said something like "strange" "funny" "crazy". I am really not any of those things. I was a scared girl, shy and unable to put myself out there to be myself. I acted the way I did because I was afraid people would hate the real me. Yes, I do have a "creative" sense of humor, but I acted crazy because I had no self esteem.
The person who was my best friend for many childhood years just disappeared from my life one day. She didn't move, she just didn't want me around anymore. It hurt more than anything. I tried to make new friends, but none of these friends measured up to her. Years later she wrote in my yearbook that she was sorry she wasn't better friends with me because she needed to be best friends with a different person because that person needed someone to lean on more than I did. WOW! If this friend only knew how wrong she was. I needed her more than she knew. As years went by I thought of her often and always wondered why she thought I didn't need her. Was it my ability to act strong when inside I was a mess? I really needed her and I couldn't even tell her how much, it hurt and I guess it still does.
Thank god I met Fred when I did. I was at an all time low. He pulled me up and helped me to open up and understood all my weaknesses and helped build me into a strong woman, friend, and mother. He let me see that I didn't need to act around people, I could relax and be myself. It has taken many years, but I finally feet like a real person, not a fake person. He showed me that I was not crazy or strange, that I was smart, I just needed to be myself. He is the best thing in my life!
I wish I was that strong when my best friend left me. I wish I had called her and said that I needed her too! I still wonder what life would be like if she was my best friend. Don't get me wrong, through the years I have learned to be myself, like myself, and love the people who matter in my life. I have surrounded myself with people who are accepting, loving, and real. I have many friends and family that I couldn't live without. The one thing my childhood friend taught me was that I shouldn't let go so easily, so I have held on tight to my friends and especially Fred and I will never let them go!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 1
Here I am...not sure why I am doing this, but I have the need to share my journey. It is more for myself to share my moods, emotions, and struggles of the next year or more.
The beginning of my journey to a new and incredible me started in August of 2010. I had just come home from a trip to the west. We had a great time, but I was angry with myself for not being able to take that hike, or go in that canoe, or feel good about how I looked in shorts and a tank top. I have been thinking about gastric bypass since my doctor mentioned it in May. I really did not feel that Fred would like the idea, so I put it in the back of my mind. When Fred and I were talking about our wonderful trip and remembering the fun, I started crying and told Fred about my anger with myself about not being able to take that hike I promised him. He was very kind and has always been supportive of me. He simply said, "Have you ever thought of weight loss surgery?" these words are what brings me to now. With high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, and being "morbidly obese" as the doctors term...I knew I needed to change my life.
As soon as the words came out of his mouth I felt relief. I immediately looked up weight loss surgery, did my homework, found a program my insurance would pay for and started my journey.
On August 1, 2010 I had my first appt. with the Bariatric weight loss center in Huntley. They talked to me about surgery, nutrition, and insurance requirements. At this point I needed to many things for the surgery to happen. I had to see a psychologist, the surgeon, a sleep study, a 3 month weight loss program through my doctor, a sleep study and take two classes on eating after the surgery.
My weight loss program started on September 1, 2010. It was a series of ups and downs, just like any weight loss program I had entered. Then in November, I received the call that my blood tests showed I was prediabetic now. I guess I picked a good time to start my journey.
On January 3, 2011, I had a sleep study. I was notified on January 7th that I had showed that my oxygen levels decreased significantly an average of 16 times per hour. This was an "AH HA" moment for me. Now I have an explanation for being tired ALL the time! Another reason I needed to change my life.
So, here is where I am at now. I am to the point that the insurance has all the paperwork and I am waiting for pre-authorizing the surgery. Then it is scheduled.
I am looking forward to things like looking good in jeans, being able to walk up and down stairs, having energy I need to teach, bending over to help students, and gaining some of my self esteem back. However, I HAVE to do this to stay alive to see my grandkids grow, my daughter get married, take those trips Fred and I have planned when we fully retire. It is no longer a "I want to look nice!" it is "I want to live".
The change will be very difficult. If anyone knows me I LOVE food. All food! Mostly really fattening foods!!!! Right now a normal person can fit about 1-2 litters of food in their stomach at one sitting. After surgery I will start with an ounce and move to 4-8 ounces for life. That is about 1 egg!!!! Good thing is, I can still eat what I want, just very little of it...I will be a cheap date and drunk:)
You can help me by posting comments about my decision, I want to hear what you really have to say about it. I need to hear the positive and negative so I can make sure I am doing the right thing for me.
Here's to a long journey!!!!
The beginning of my journey to a new and incredible me started in August of 2010. I had just come home from a trip to the west. We had a great time, but I was angry with myself for not being able to take that hike, or go in that canoe, or feel good about how I looked in shorts and a tank top. I have been thinking about gastric bypass since my doctor mentioned it in May. I really did not feel that Fred would like the idea, so I put it in the back of my mind. When Fred and I were talking about our wonderful trip and remembering the fun, I started crying and told Fred about my anger with myself about not being able to take that hike I promised him. He was very kind and has always been supportive of me. He simply said, "Have you ever thought of weight loss surgery?" these words are what brings me to now. With high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, and being "morbidly obese" as the doctors term...I knew I needed to change my life.
As soon as the words came out of his mouth I felt relief. I immediately looked up weight loss surgery, did my homework, found a program my insurance would pay for and started my journey.
On August 1, 2010 I had my first appt. with the Bariatric weight loss center in Huntley. They talked to me about surgery, nutrition, and insurance requirements. At this point I needed to many things for the surgery to happen. I had to see a psychologist, the surgeon, a sleep study, a 3 month weight loss program through my doctor, a sleep study and take two classes on eating after the surgery.
My weight loss program started on September 1, 2010. It was a series of ups and downs, just like any weight loss program I had entered. Then in November, I received the call that my blood tests showed I was prediabetic now. I guess I picked a good time to start my journey.
On January 3, 2011, I had a sleep study. I was notified on January 7th that I had showed that my oxygen levels decreased significantly an average of 16 times per hour. This was an "AH HA" moment for me. Now I have an explanation for being tired ALL the time! Another reason I needed to change my life.
So, here is where I am at now. I am to the point that the insurance has all the paperwork and I am waiting for pre-authorizing the surgery. Then it is scheduled.
I am looking forward to things like looking good in jeans, being able to walk up and down stairs, having energy I need to teach, bending over to help students, and gaining some of my self esteem back. However, I HAVE to do this to stay alive to see my grandkids grow, my daughter get married, take those trips Fred and I have planned when we fully retire. It is no longer a "I want to look nice!" it is "I want to live".
The change will be very difficult. If anyone knows me I LOVE food. All food! Mostly really fattening foods!!!! Right now a normal person can fit about 1-2 litters of food in their stomach at one sitting. After surgery I will start with an ounce and move to 4-8 ounces for life. That is about 1 egg!!!! Good thing is, I can still eat what I want, just very little of it...I will be a cheap date and drunk:)
You can help me by posting comments about my decision, I want to hear what you really have to say about it. I need to hear the positive and negative so I can make sure I am doing the right thing for me.
Here's to a long journey!!!!
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