Well, now I have done it! I reverted back to my bitchy self:( Shot the one goal I was doing somewhat good at. It wasn't pretty. I know that I can never take back what was said or done, so I need to apologize and move on with my life. However, I will always feel bad that I was so stupid, negative, and just plain mean! I wouldn't blame this person for never talking to me again or trusting me again! The story:
We have to take NWEA tests this week and next week. I was under the assumption we were giving the tests in the same order as always (my first mistake...assuming!) We take reading, math, and Language usage tests...anyway...The math teacher came up and asked me if I told my students that they were taking their NWEA tests next week. I said that no I am telling them we are taking the test tomorrow...second mistake...not listening to the question correctly! She said that the students told her that I said they were taking the test next week. I stated, I never told them that...then she said so you are taking the math test tomorrow...I said no, we take the reading test 1st. She then started to ask me to take the math first and (third mistake) I immediately think...why the hell does she think math scores are more important than reading scores...so I state that to her...foot in mouth...stupid!!!! A student then comes up and I walk away...now at this point I don't realize how selfish and stupid I am being...so I bring it to other teacher...REALLY! Why would I try to get them on my side...mistake 2 million at this point! So now I am still not back in my body and this alien is still controlling me and I sit down and write an e mail to explain...see I am an idiot! E-mails are never a good idea and I am soooooo aware of this...Don't yell at me Fred, I am already mad at myself! So needless to say I need to apologize and I really don't blame this teacher if she hates me!
Why oh why do I do these stupid things...it is like I don't know who that person is! One of my goal was to stop, listen, think before I answer or react. Blew it this time! Put that goal back to beginning of my list and keep working on it!
I am truly going to have to a million things to earn this persons trust back in me and the trust of the teachers I tried to drag into my drama! I am really repenting for this and I pray to the Lord that he forgives me too!
Myself
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Who am I?
I have stated in many of my posts that through this weight loss process I have found "me". What exactly does this mean?
I knew I had to open my eyes and heart to why I use food to relieve my stress and handle my emotions. I guess understanding the problem is half the battle, the other half is actually dealing with the problem.
To deal with this problem I had to look deep in my soul...I had to figure out why I love, why I hate, why I get angry, why I get scared, and why I believe so deeply in myself. I had to reach deep inside me and reflect on many things.
So what makes me love one person, and yet only tolerate another. I believe it is prejudices...pure and simple...in order to open my heart and arms to those I hate I need to set aside my prejudices...and what are my prejudices...not if a person is black or white, short or tall, fat or thin, but do they see the world the way I see it? In reality, no one sees the world my way, but if I can't mold them into some corner of my world, then to hell with them, they aren't worthy of my love...that is crap! I started looking at the person as a separate entity and that my world is not perfect and I opened my eyes to the view of others and I opened my heart to love more people. I now look for the brightest side of everyone I meet and I can be less judgmental and thus less prejudiced. In doing this I can also love more deeply! I have made more friends and reconnected with other friends more in the last six months than I have in my entire life. I have learned to love them for who they are...not who I want them to be!
Why do I get so angry? Again, it is that I expect the world to go one way and when it goes the other, I can't handle it! I usually get mad and blame myself and not the other person. I have had low self esteem my entire life. In reality I wasn't getting mad at people, I was getting mad at myself! It was easier to blame myself than admit that other people had weaknesses. At times I would even lie to make it better...That is why food helped...it was my way of apologizing to myself for doing something stupid, or making someone angry. Now I realize that the world does not revolve around me and that I was vain to even think it did! I realize that people do things because of who they are and not because of who I am. I cannot fix the world by taking on all the problems and I am not the one who creates all the problems. If I know that I did something wrong, I have learned to man up to those mistakes and deal with them, if someone else did something wrong, it is not my problem take on as my fault. If this makes you hate me, so be it...that is your prejudiced and not mine! I am still working on forgiveness...we will talk about that on another day...
Why do I get scared? Oh the many reasons...that you won't like me, that I will die, that I will lose, that I will make a mistake, that I will fail, that I will hate...the list goes on! If you think about it enough, everything is scary...just waking up in the morning and thinking, is this going to be a good day? Or going to sleep at night wondering, will I wake in the morning? So much scariness! Through learning why I love and why I get angry I have learned that I can't change things...I am not saying that everything is fate, but life is a series of fates and choices...choices are things I can change...fate is something I have no way of dealing with, it is just going to happen. If I turn left or right is a choice, if I get hit by a car is fate...did my choice affect that fate...I am not sure, but we can't dwell on that question because it can't be answered. Who knows? I can only make my choices and then hope that they are correct. If you choose to live a healthy lifestyle you are less likely to die in your sleep, but doesn't mean you won't...life is what it is and being scared is not going to change that! When fate happens, it happens, there is no way to predict it...eating is not going to change fate! I am not afraid of traffic anymore...if fate happens when I am in traffic...then so be it, but I am not going to worry about something I cannot change.
I am still trying to find my place with God and Christ...I have a hard time openly admitting that I need them in my life. I feel like a fool...then I look at my dear friend Taylor who passed away way to early in her life...and I am awed at her being able to openly admit her devotion to Christ at the age of 15. How did she find the strength? I can't find a happy medium with openly accepting Christ and letting people know I am not changing who I am...I guess this is what a gay person must go through when they are coming out! They are not changing who they are, but just openly admitting who they are. I spent most of my life denying faith, now I am finding it hard to accept it now! I know that God and Christ accept us for who we are and I don't believe that drinking, listening to music, swearing or any of those things will change his love for me. I think that staying true to yourself, being honest, loving others for who they are, and being able to forgive is what they want from us...they also want us to trust that they are there and will be there in the end.
So who am I now? I am a person who loves more deeply than I ever have loved, I have learned to accept things as they are (good or bad), I have learned that the only thing to be afraid of is fear, I have learned that I have faith and that I need to develop it more deeply, and that I can deal with life without indulging in an enormous amount of food! I can accept me for who I am, and I am willing to allow the world to know the real me! Look out, I am going to be honest with myself as well as others and as you know honesty can hurt...and it can be enlightening!
I knew I had to open my eyes and heart to why I use food to relieve my stress and handle my emotions. I guess understanding the problem is half the battle, the other half is actually dealing with the problem.
To deal with this problem I had to look deep in my soul...I had to figure out why I love, why I hate, why I get angry, why I get scared, and why I believe so deeply in myself. I had to reach deep inside me and reflect on many things.
So what makes me love one person, and yet only tolerate another. I believe it is prejudices...pure and simple...in order to open my heart and arms to those I hate I need to set aside my prejudices...and what are my prejudices...not if a person is black or white, short or tall, fat or thin, but do they see the world the way I see it? In reality, no one sees the world my way, but if I can't mold them into some corner of my world, then to hell with them, they aren't worthy of my love...that is crap! I started looking at the person as a separate entity and that my world is not perfect and I opened my eyes to the view of others and I opened my heart to love more people. I now look for the brightest side of everyone I meet and I can be less judgmental and thus less prejudiced. In doing this I can also love more deeply! I have made more friends and reconnected with other friends more in the last six months than I have in my entire life. I have learned to love them for who they are...not who I want them to be!
Why do I get so angry? Again, it is that I expect the world to go one way and when it goes the other, I can't handle it! I usually get mad and blame myself and not the other person. I have had low self esteem my entire life. In reality I wasn't getting mad at people, I was getting mad at myself! It was easier to blame myself than admit that other people had weaknesses. At times I would even lie to make it better...That is why food helped...it was my way of apologizing to myself for doing something stupid, or making someone angry. Now I realize that the world does not revolve around me and that I was vain to even think it did! I realize that people do things because of who they are and not because of who I am. I cannot fix the world by taking on all the problems and I am not the one who creates all the problems. If I know that I did something wrong, I have learned to man up to those mistakes and deal with them, if someone else did something wrong, it is not my problem take on as my fault. If this makes you hate me, so be it...that is your prejudiced and not mine! I am still working on forgiveness...we will talk about that on another day...
Why do I get scared? Oh the many reasons...that you won't like me, that I will die, that I will lose, that I will make a mistake, that I will fail, that I will hate...the list goes on! If you think about it enough, everything is scary...just waking up in the morning and thinking, is this going to be a good day? Or going to sleep at night wondering, will I wake in the morning? So much scariness! Through learning why I love and why I get angry I have learned that I can't change things...I am not saying that everything is fate, but life is a series of fates and choices...choices are things I can change...fate is something I have no way of dealing with, it is just going to happen. If I turn left or right is a choice, if I get hit by a car is fate...did my choice affect that fate...I am not sure, but we can't dwell on that question because it can't be answered. Who knows? I can only make my choices and then hope that they are correct. If you choose to live a healthy lifestyle you are less likely to die in your sleep, but doesn't mean you won't...life is what it is and being scared is not going to change that! When fate happens, it happens, there is no way to predict it...eating is not going to change fate! I am not afraid of traffic anymore...if fate happens when I am in traffic...then so be it, but I am not going to worry about something I cannot change.
I am still trying to find my place with God and Christ...I have a hard time openly admitting that I need them in my life. I feel like a fool...then I look at my dear friend Taylor who passed away way to early in her life...and I am awed at her being able to openly admit her devotion to Christ at the age of 15. How did she find the strength? I can't find a happy medium with openly accepting Christ and letting people know I am not changing who I am...I guess this is what a gay person must go through when they are coming out! They are not changing who they are, but just openly admitting who they are. I spent most of my life denying faith, now I am finding it hard to accept it now! I know that God and Christ accept us for who we are and I don't believe that drinking, listening to music, swearing or any of those things will change his love for me. I think that staying true to yourself, being honest, loving others for who they are, and being able to forgive is what they want from us...they also want us to trust that they are there and will be there in the end.
So who am I now? I am a person who loves more deeply than I ever have loved, I have learned to accept things as they are (good or bad), I have learned that the only thing to be afraid of is fear, I have learned that I have faith and that I need to develop it more deeply, and that I can deal with life without indulging in an enormous amount of food! I can accept me for who I am, and I am willing to allow the world to know the real me! Look out, I am going to be honest with myself as well as others and as you know honesty can hurt...and it can be enlightening!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Six Months!!!!
Okay so I am six months post op and today was my appointment with Dr. Heydari...my weight was confirmed at 221.5!!! I am so excited. Dr. Heydari said that I am doing amazingly well. The dietitian said that I had the diet down really well. I feel like a new person! Six months and I am a new person...amazing!!!!!!
I had my first meeting with the reading team today. It was so good to see everyone and to get some planning done. Both my team mates have such wonderful ideas and they are such good teachers. However, I get frustrated because I am at a different point in my career then they are and I don't always see things their way. When I was a new teacher I would take every unit and create worksheets, tests, and lessons. Now, I have learned that you need to accept already prepared materials as they are and to not change them. New teachers always want to change things, this just makes for more work. I can absolutely see their point in what they want, but if the program was made this way, why change it... I just don't have time in my life to change things all the time, I am so over it! I want to spend all my time on learning about the students and their needs and meeting those needs...not creating lessons and materials...it is so crazy...I want to enjoy teaching, not hate every minute of it because I am flustered. Life is short and my teaching time is getting short too!
Sara's wedding is just around the corner and I am so excited for the day. I know it will go fast, but I want to make it the best day ever. The menu is set, the invites arrived yesterday, the shower is done, the DJ is booked, the photo booth is booked, the photographer is booked. Now all we need it an officiant and flowers! I love that everything is finally happening:) I actually might fit in my dress if I can lose another 20 pounds by the wedding...that would be PERFECT!
I had my first meeting with the reading team today. It was so good to see everyone and to get some planning done. Both my team mates have such wonderful ideas and they are such good teachers. However, I get frustrated because I am at a different point in my career then they are and I don't always see things their way. When I was a new teacher I would take every unit and create worksheets, tests, and lessons. Now, I have learned that you need to accept already prepared materials as they are and to not change them. New teachers always want to change things, this just makes for more work. I can absolutely see their point in what they want, but if the program was made this way, why change it... I just don't have time in my life to change things all the time, I am so over it! I want to spend all my time on learning about the students and their needs and meeting those needs...not creating lessons and materials...it is so crazy...I want to enjoy teaching, not hate every minute of it because I am flustered. Life is short and my teaching time is getting short too!
Sara's wedding is just around the corner and I am so excited for the day. I know it will go fast, but I want to make it the best day ever. The menu is set, the invites arrived yesterday, the shower is done, the DJ is booked, the photo booth is booked, the photographer is booked. Now all we need it an officiant and flowers! I love that everything is finally happening:) I actually might fit in my dress if I can lose another 20 pounds by the wedding...that would be PERFECT!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Doctor Day
I go to the doctor tomorrow! Six months...wow! It has gone so fast. I will post my actual weight loss according to them tomorrow. I am a bit nervous!
I talked to a friend that had the surgery done a few years ago and they have gained weight. I do not want this to happen to me and I want to help this friend! I think we can be good support for each other.
I think that it has been really good for me to be so open and honest about my weight loss. I think it actually helps me stay on the program.
Talk to you tomorrow!
I talked to a friend that had the surgery done a few years ago and they have gained weight. I do not want this to happen to me and I want to help this friend! I think we can be good support for each other.
I think that it has been really good for me to be so open and honest about my weight loss. I think it actually helps me stay on the program.
Talk to you tomorrow!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
So
Okay so this Wednesday I was actually home for weigh in! Weighed in at 223.5! 61.5 pounds! Amazing!!!! I feel great, but I don't feel like I look any different...however, it amazes me when I see people I haven't seen for a long time and they are amazed. I guess when you see yourself everyday you don't notice the changes, but when I gained all that weight it wasn't noticeable to me either...crazy shit! I was telling Fred the today that I am so surprised at how lazy I had gotten and that I am so glad to be half way back to my old self! I will be one scary person when I get to my goal weight! There will be no stopping me!
Well, I am in a size 16 and possibly a size 14 soon! Still not able to fit in my dress for Sara's wedding, but no worries, I will either fit in it or buy a knew one! What ever, I know I will look amazing...I have to it is my princess Sara's wedding and I have to be beautiful for her perfect day!
I can't believe that in my quest for health and wellness that I have found ME! I guess I was always there hiding behind the food and excuses, but I am really glad to finally find myself, and actually like myself. This is the first summer that I have actually hung out with people from school and felt like I really had friends...what an amazing feeling (love you, all my Palombi pals!!!!!!!)! I just can't even put into words how I feel! I am excited for my daughters wedding, I am excited for school to start, I am excited to wake up in the morning, I am excited that I am me! I am just REALLY excited about life!!!!!
Well, I am in a size 16 and possibly a size 14 soon! Still not able to fit in my dress for Sara's wedding, but no worries, I will either fit in it or buy a knew one! What ever, I know I will look amazing...I have to it is my princess Sara's wedding and I have to be beautiful for her perfect day!
I can't believe that in my quest for health and wellness that I have found ME! I guess I was always there hiding behind the food and excuses, but I am really glad to finally find myself, and actually like myself. This is the first summer that I have actually hung out with people from school and felt like I really had friends...what an amazing feeling (love you, all my Palombi pals!!!!!!!)! I just can't even put into words how I feel! I am excited for my daughters wedding, I am excited for school to start, I am excited to wake up in the morning, I am excited that I am me! I am just REALLY excited about life!!!!!
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