Slow Progress

It has been really slow progress the last two months. Weigh in Wednesday this week was finally a good sight! I finally am down to 205 pounds. I can't complain since I haven't gained weight. My goal is to be at 185 by my one year mark on February 15th. That would be a 100 pound loss, I am pretty sure I can do that with the move and everything else that is going on in my life at this time.

I am so grateful to have my life back on track...knees aren't sore anymore, I can walk around and feel good...I have more energy. Had blood work done and the results came back that everything is great as far as my vitamins, minerals, liver, and kidneys...that was good news for me!

If you ask me, this is a great way to lose weight. I see commercials on TV and news shows about these miraculous 100 pounds off in a year, and they all stress that they were done without surgery...don't they realize that surgery is a last resort and if you ask me, it is not an easy out! It is just as difficult as if you do it without the surgery, but you can feel successful. Before surgery I would lose 20 pounds, gain 5 back, get depressed then gain the 20 back plus the 5. With this program I can go a few weeks without any weight loss, but I have never gained a pound back...that helps keep your spirits up. I just don't believe that anyone with a weight problem can lose that much weight without help. I would recommend this to anyone that has to lose 70 pounds or more...it just makes sense and it is truly a way to change your entire life. You need to do the before surgery seminars, you need to change your mindset, and you need to have a really great support network to be successful. I have been luck to have all of that in place for me. If you have less than 70 pounds you don't need to go this drastic. You should be able to lose that through a strict, physician guided, weight loss program. If you are thinking of having this surgery talk to me and I will be happy to help you through the process!

So this moving thing is a pain in the butt! I want to be closing today and now have to wait until January 18th! The problem is with the seller, not us. I just hope I don't have to get anymore paperwork or letters together over the next two weeks...if I do, I will scream!!!! I can't believe all the crap you have to go through to buy a house. I am surprised I didn't have to chart all my bowel movements for two months to get the loan. I wish I would have said NO to the changing of the closing date, it is what really messed us up. If we would of had the original date of 12/30...we would be closing today! Now they can't get their bum of a brother out of the house and Fred is worried the house is damaged, and they had a party there a week ago and did they do anything during the party...ugh! Just want this to be done!

Happy New Year!

Loving Life

I am down to 209 today! I love my new life. I have more energy, I feel like a real person again and I am really happy with my life. Do you know what it feels like to go from a size 24/26 to a 13/14? It feels totally amazing!!!! My new nick name is Linda the incredible shrinking woman...and I love every moment of shrinking.

There are some pitfalls to this diet and I need to talk about those. It is difficult to eat. What was once my way of comforting myself and making myself feel good, is now painful. If I eat to fast it hurts really bad, if I eat too much I throw up, if something gets stuck it is painful and I throw up. I had to leave work one day because a piece of a sausage burrito was stuck and I spent the day throwing up and in pain. I only eat when I need to and most times I don't look forward to it; which is totally opposite of my past life. The only foods I cannot eat are bread, reheated meat, and cereal and I have not missed these foods as much as I thought I would.

I have a hard time getting in enough protein at times and I am obsessed with label reading and only eat foods with 2 grams or more of protein! When I don't get enough protein I space out and I have a hard time concentrating. It is really difficult for me at work. I am not sure if everyone realizes how hard this is on me and how my focus can get lost. This week I am going to try to do a protein shake before work and hopefully that will help. I have become obsessed with label reading and will not eat anything with less than 2 grams of protein. Did you know that turkey bacon only has 2 grams of protein and sausage link have 9 grams, for a few extra fat grams I can get 3 times the protein with sausage! It amazes me what I learn. I have learned to enjoy every bite of every meal, to use small plates, and to only eat what I love!

There are also some great things about this diet too...those include the fact that I can eat almost anything I want, just very slowly and not too much. I don't have to count calories, grams of fat or carbs...just need to make sure I get my protein. I still have to remind myself to stay away from chips and dip because they are a slider food and they go down way to easy. However, I can have a few and then I am done. I don't feel like I am being cheated out of anything.

I have gone through weeks and weeks of no weight change, and that is frustrating. However, over the last eight months I have learned that no weight loss is so much better than weight gain, which I have not done! That frustration of every diet is not haunting my, I do not lose a pound and wonder when I will gain it back with two more. I know that every pound lost may be slow, but it is permanent...that is the best feeling of all.

I have changed so much in the last 8 months! I guess that is why I get so frustrated when the administration tells me I need to change. I feel that I have done so many changes and I enjoy myself now. I am more confident and that makes me a little more aggressive when it comes to what I want and they don't like my approach. Well, it took me 51 years to be able to speak up for myself, excuse me if it takes me a few more to perfect the approach. I know in my heart I am a great person, and I have proof because I have the best family and friends and they love me for who I am...and that is what counts the most. I may lose my job for my approach, but I will always have my friends and family!!! Love you all and thanks for hanging in there with me in the good times and the bad times!!!

One last thing...Taylor...Thank you for being there for me in the last few months in my thoughts and dreams. You have truly inspired me and for that I am thankful. I know that God took you for reasons of his own, but through his work you have helped me see the light and for that you will always be a part of me!

Time is Ticking!

I just can't believe it has been a month since my last post! Where do I start?

I have been in a slump and not losing weight like I want to, but I am also not gaining weight either. I think that this is a feat in itself. With the wedding and stress at work I would have ordinarily gained at least 10 pounds in the last month, but I actually lost 3 pounds. I am down to 212! I hope to be at 200 by Christmas day! That would be the best Christmas present in the world.

I think I need to reflect on why I am not losing weight...lets see...I and say it in one work. Alcohol! I am addicted to wine:) I need to lay off the 3-4 glasses a night on the weekend! Also, I have been "grazing" which is the biggest no no of this diet. So my goal is to eat my six small meals a day and stay away from wine...only one night on the weekend...not all weekend!

The wedding - WOW! What a great time! It was everything we planned for Sara's big day. A few small things went wrong, but nothing that made a difference. I have never seen my daughter that beautiful or happy in her life. Bryan was the most amazing groom too. I loved that through everything they never lost who they really are. They had fun and yet they were serious. It was the most beautiful day and night. I am so grateful to all the family and friends that come to spend the special day with us! I was amazed at how many people were willing to go to Sheboygan for a wedding. However, I think they were pleasantly surprised with how beautiful the area is. I know many are planning a return trip to spend more time on the beach and in the pool. Anyway, it was amazing!

Work has been work. I was warned about writing anything on facebook from my boss, so I guess I shouldn't write anything here either. I just wish that people would grow up.

I will try not to take too long on my next blog:)

Changes

I think that through our lives we change in so many ways. Our experiences, the people around us, and our environment create some of these changes. When I was a kid I was so afraid to say anything that would cause a fight or get in trouble. I just said very little and things would stay inside until I would blow up. When I met Fred it took me years to be able to speak my piece. I would cry and cry and never talk. Finally with Fred's help I was able to find my voice and speak up when I was hurt, or when I needed a hug, or just to express my own opinion. Over the last 30 years I have become very proud of myself and I surprise myself when I speak up for myself. I have also found that through writing I can use my inner voice, the one that is truthful and honest, not afraid to say what I want. I know it is not the best approach, but it what I have.

Now after all these years of changing, growing, maturing, and finding and being myself I am told that I need a new approach...REALLY? I finally get the nerve up to ask for help and I am slammed to ground, face first by someone I thought I could trust. I am not going to change. Has she asked little man to change, his sitting in meetings and shaking his head yes, and not helping, and just being a plain jerk. Or the person that does nothing to help the team and can't form an appropriate e-mail to save his soul. Or the person that freaks out over every little thing that happens. Or the one that wants to be boss and have everything her way and then gets upset that it didn't go that way? Did she talk to them and tell them they need to change their approach, or there attitude, or their way of thinking? I can't be sure, but I think that is a NO! Even the most well meaning, sweet approach can suck when it stabs your heart like a knife through your soul! That is what you did to me!

I love that I can speak up when I need to, I love that I have a voice, maybe I don't always use the best approach, but seriously, get over it! I use writing as my voice. My real voice is meek and shy, it is not who I am, it lets me down, and won't say what I want to say. Writing is my true voice...e-mail is the way I can communicate. I am sorry if you don't like it, but it is who I am...so get over yourself and adapt to the needs of others...like I have adapted to your needs!

I called in sick today, I have the worst headache and it won't go away. I have had it since I walked out of the office on Wednesday afternoon.

I am still at 215, stress eating and drinking over the last month has not allowed a change, but I am still happy with the scale because I am not gaining weight back!

Sara's wedding is in 8 days...eeeek! So excited! It is going to be amazing. Need to find shoes still...

Happy Anniversary Fred! I love you with all my heart and soul!

The Scale...Friend or Foe

Since February 15th I have stepped on the scale almost everyday (don't be mad Sara)! At first it was fun, watching the pounds melt away, then it stopped coming off as fast. I remember stepping on the scale and I was 265 pounds, then the next day 267, then 266, then 267, and it would go on like that for two weeks or more. It was so frustrating and I couldn't understand how I could possibly gain weight on the amount I was eating. Then one day I stepped on the scale and it was down to 265! Finally lost weight. Then it did the same thing for about two weeks up and down, then boom weight lost. I have learned so much about my body and the process it goes through to lose weight. I know that my weight will fluctuate for about two weeks then I will drop between 2 and 4 pounds in one day and then it starts fluctuating from that weight. Now that I realize I am not going to gain weight back for good, I am pleased and not so scared of the scale. If someday I step on the scale and my weight keeps inching up and up and never goes back down, I will panic...until then I will love the scale:)

Weird!

I am down to 215 now! I am so proud of myself. The best part is that I am not starving, I am used to the diet and now I eat without thinking. I am still having a difficult time with my eyes being bigger than my tummy, but one step at a time! I have lost a total of 70 pound in 7 months. My knees don't hurt, I can walk up and down stairs without pain and I come home and have energy to get stuff done. I love the new me. So what is weird...welllllll...

I really am not used to being complimented for any reason. In the last few weeks it is odd how many compliments I have gotten on my BUTT! Yes, my butt...how weird! I have had teachers tell me, family tell me and friends tell me...but the one that impressed me the most was when Fred told me! I was out to dinner the other night and one of my friends was behind me and she all of a sudden starts telling me how great my butt looks and then makes her husband look at my butt and he turned 10 shades of red. One teacher walked up to me (female) and says I don't know if this is appropriate, but your butt looks really nice. I said probably not appropriate, but THANKS! Put your ear muffs on kids...and Fred can't keep his hands off my butt! I guess I believe them since it is so many random people saying it to me...amazing how much a compliment can change the outlook of your life! I am excited to hear more:) My goal is to compliment as many people as I can in the next few weeks! I want everyone to feel as good as I do. I will only compliment someone honestly though, I don't want to make stuff up to make someone feel good, I want it to be REAL! So if I compliment you over the next few week, you can be assured it is a REAL compliment!

Lost

Well, I mended fences with the person from my last post. She is the sweetest person I know. I think that is why I take advantage of her. I find the weakest puppy in the litter and then kick it around. Then I had more issues with another teacher today and went to talk to him after school. I admitted my weaknesses and that what I needed to work on, and he didn't seem to think he has any issues...even though very few people like or respect him! And yet, I sit with him feeling like it is really all my fault and walk away with that feeling of hating myself! I know it is not all me, but when confronted I can't come up with anything the other person does that is wrong...so it must be me...right? Happens all the time with Fred too. I am always the one that feels bad and I am the one who feels like an idiot or I did something wrong when we argue...and in the end it is usually my fault...

I have gone forward two steps and fell back about a thousand this week. I just really feel that I am a bitch and that I over react too often and I can't change and I am soooooo frustrated. I want to eat a bag of chips and dip right now (but I won't, I am blogging!!!!)! I am thinner, but I am the same crappy person I have always been. I really just want to be happy and not feel like when someone is mad it is my fault. I thought I had it, but I don't...I still take all the blame, I am the one that sucks it up, I am the one that feels like an idiot all the time!

Going back to my goal...love myself for who I am, I cannot change others, only myself!

Losing It

Well, now I have done it! I reverted back to my bitchy self:( Shot the one goal I was doing somewhat good at. It wasn't pretty. I know that I can never take back what was said or done, so I need to apologize and move on with my life. However, I will always feel bad that I was so stupid, negative, and just plain mean! I wouldn't blame this person for never talking to me again or trusting me again! The story:

We have to take NWEA tests this week and next week. I was under the assumption we were giving the tests in the same order as always (my first mistake...assuming!) We take reading, math, and Language usage tests...anyway...The math teacher came up and asked me if I told my students that they were taking their NWEA tests next week. I said that no I am telling them we are taking the test tomorrow...second mistake...not listening to the question correctly! She said that the students told her that I said they were taking the test next week. I stated, I never told them that...then she said so you are taking the math test tomorrow...I said no, we take the reading test 1st. She then started to ask me to take the math first and (third mistake) I immediately think...why the hell does she think math scores are more important than reading scores...so I state that to her...foot in mouth...stupid!!!! A student then comes up and I walk away...now at this point I don't realize how selfish and stupid I am being...so I bring it to other teacher...REALLY! Why would I try to get them on my side...mistake 2 million at this point! So now I am still not back in my body and this alien is still controlling me and I sit down and write an e mail to explain...see I am an idiot! E-mails are never a good idea and I am soooooo aware of this...Don't yell at me Fred, I am already mad at myself! So needless to say I need to apologize and I really don't blame this teacher if she hates me!

Why oh why do I do these stupid things...it is like I don't know who that person is! One of my goal was to stop, listen, think before I answer or react. Blew it this time! Put that goal back to beginning of my list and keep working on it!

I am truly going to have to a million things to earn this persons trust back in me and the trust of the teachers I tried to drag into my drama! I am really repenting for this and I pray to the Lord that he forgives me too!

Who am I?

I have stated in many of my posts that through this weight loss process I have found "me". What exactly does this mean?

I knew I had to open my eyes and heart to why I use food to relieve my stress and handle my emotions. I guess understanding the problem is half the battle, the other half is actually dealing with the problem.

To deal with this problem I had to look deep in my soul...I had to figure out why I love, why I hate, why I get angry, why I get scared, and why I believe so deeply in myself. I had to reach deep inside me and reflect on many things.

So what makes me love one person, and yet only tolerate another. I believe it is prejudices...pure and simple...in order to open my heart and arms to those I hate I need to set aside my prejudices...and what are my prejudices...not if a person is black or white, short or tall, fat or thin, but do they see the world the way I see it? In reality, no one sees the world my way, but if I can't mold them into some corner of my world, then to hell with them, they aren't worthy of my love...that is crap! I started looking at the person as a separate entity and that my world is not perfect and I opened my eyes to the view of others and I opened my heart to love more people. I now look for the brightest side of everyone I meet and I can be less judgmental and thus less prejudiced. In doing this I can also love more deeply! I have made more friends and reconnected with other friends more in the last six months than I have in my entire life. I have learned to love them for who they are...not who I want them to be!

Why do I get so angry? Again, it is that I expect the world to go one way and when it goes the other, I can't handle it! I usually get mad and blame myself and not the other person. I have had low self esteem my entire life. In reality I wasn't getting mad at people, I was getting mad at myself! It was easier to blame myself than admit that other people had weaknesses. At times I would even lie to make it better...That is why food helped...it was my way of apologizing to myself for doing something stupid, or making someone angry. Now I realize that the world does not revolve around me and that I was vain to even think it did! I realize that people do things because of who they are and not because of who I am. I cannot fix the world by taking on all the problems and I am not the one who creates all the problems. If I know that I did something wrong, I have learned to man up to those mistakes and deal with them, if someone else did something wrong, it is not my problem take on as my fault. If this makes you hate me, so be it...that is your prejudiced and not mine! I am still working on forgiveness...we will talk about that on another day...

Why do I get scared? Oh the many reasons...that you won't like me, that I will die, that I will lose, that I will make a mistake, that I will fail, that I will hate...the list goes on! If you think about it enough, everything is scary...just waking up in the morning and thinking, is this going to be a good day? Or going to sleep at night wondering, will I wake in the morning? So much scariness! Through learning why I love and why I get angry I have learned that I can't change things...I am not saying that everything is fate, but life is a series of fates and choices...choices are things I can change...fate is something I have no way of dealing with, it is just going to happen. If I turn left or right is a choice, if I get hit by a car is fate...did my choice affect that fate...I am not sure, but we can't dwell on that question because it can't be answered. Who knows? I can only make my choices and then hope that they are correct. If you choose to live a healthy lifestyle you are less likely to die in your sleep, but doesn't mean you won't...life is what it is and being scared is not going to change that! When fate happens, it happens, there is no way to predict it...eating is not going to change fate! I am not afraid of traffic anymore...if fate happens when I am in traffic...then so be it, but I am not going to worry about something I cannot change.

I am still trying to find my place with God and Christ...I have a hard time openly admitting that I need them in my life. I feel like a fool...then I look at my dear friend Taylor who passed away way to early in her life...and I am awed at her being able to openly admit her devotion to Christ at the age of 15. How did she find the strength? I can't find a happy medium with openly accepting Christ and letting people know I am not changing who I am...I guess this is what a gay person must go through when they are coming out! They are not changing who they are, but just openly admitting who they are. I spent most of my life denying faith, now I am finding it hard to accept it now! I know that God and Christ accept us for who we are and I don't believe that drinking, listening to music, swearing or any of those things will change his love for me. I think that staying true to yourself, being honest, loving others for who they are, and being able to forgive is what they want from us...they also want us to trust that they are there and will be there in the end.

So who am I now? I am a person who loves more deeply than I ever have loved, I have learned to accept things as they are (good or bad), I have learned that the only thing to be afraid of is fear, I have learned that I have faith and that I need to develop it more deeply, and that I can deal with life without indulging in an enormous amount of food! I can accept me for who I am, and I am willing to allow the world to know the real me! Look out, I am going to be honest with myself as well as others and as you know honesty can hurt...and it can be enlightening!

Six Months!!!!

Okay so I am six months post op and today was my appointment with Dr. Heydari...my weight was confirmed at 221.5!!! I am so excited. Dr. Heydari said that I am doing amazingly well. The dietitian said that I had the diet down really well. I feel like a new person! Six months and I am a new person...amazing!!!!!!

I had my first meeting with the reading team today. It was so good to see everyone and to get some planning done. Both my team mates have such wonderful ideas and they are such good teachers. However, I get frustrated because I am at a different point in my career then they are and I don't always see things their way. When I was a new teacher I would take every unit and create worksheets, tests, and lessons. Now, I have learned that you need to accept already prepared materials as they are and to not change them. New teachers always want to change things, this just makes for more work. I can absolutely see their point in what they want, but if the program was made this way, why change it... I just don't have time in my life to change things all the time, I am so over it! I want to spend all my time on learning about the students and their needs and meeting those needs...not creating lessons and materials...it is so crazy...I want to enjoy teaching, not hate every minute of it because I am flustered. Life is short and my teaching time is getting short too!

Sara's wedding is just around the corner and I am so excited for the day. I know it will go fast, but I want to make it the best day ever. The menu is set, the invites arrived yesterday, the shower is done, the DJ is booked, the photo booth is booked, the photographer is booked. Now all we need it an officiant and flowers! I love that everything is finally happening:) I actually might fit in my dress if I can lose another 20 pounds by the wedding...that would be PERFECT!

Doctor Day

I go to the doctor tomorrow! Six months...wow! It has gone so fast. I will post my actual weight loss according to them tomorrow. I am a bit nervous!

I talked to a friend that had the surgery done a few years ago and they have gained weight. I do not want this to happen to me and I want to help this friend! I think we can be good support for each other.

I think that it has been really good for me to be so open and honest about my weight loss. I think it actually helps me stay on the program.

Talk to you tomorrow!

So

Okay so this Wednesday I was actually home for weigh in! Weighed in at 223.5! 61.5 pounds! Amazing!!!! I feel great, but I don't feel like I look any different...however, it amazes me when I see people I haven't seen for a long time and they are amazed. I guess when you see yourself everyday you don't notice the changes, but when I gained all that weight it wasn't noticeable to me either...crazy shit! I was telling Fred the today that I am so surprised at how lazy I had gotten and that I am so glad to be half way back to my old self! I will be one scary person when I get to my goal weight! There will be no stopping me!

Well, I am in a size 16 and possibly a size 14 soon! Still not able to fit in my dress for Sara's wedding, but no worries, I will either fit in it or buy a knew one! What ever, I know I will look amazing...I have to it is my princess Sara's wedding and I have to be beautiful for her perfect day!

I can't believe that in my quest for health and wellness that I have found ME! I guess I was always there hiding behind the food and excuses, but I am really glad to finally find myself, and actually like myself. This is the first summer that I have actually hung out with people from school and felt like I really had friends...what an amazing feeling (love you, all my Palombi pals!!!!!!!)! I just can't even put into words how I feel! I am excited for my daughters wedding, I am excited for school to start, I am excited to wake up in the morning, I am excited that I am me! I am just REALLY excited about life!!!!!

I have learned so much about myself in the last year and it is amazing how I have changed! Through my surgery and weight loss I have learned it is alright to lean on friends and family when you need them.

Through this blog I have learned to be honest with myself and others. I learned that you can lie to everyone in the world, but you cannot lie to yourself and when you lie to yourself you feel shame and guilt...

Through the death of a young woman I have learned that I can handle stress on my own and I learned that faith is deeper than knowing that something better exists after death, it is accepting God. Faith is not being afraid to admit you believe in a higher being and admit that the higher being has been there for me when I have needed him. I can admit that he has helped me through many painful situations and has led me to be a better person. I know he led me to teaching, and I am not sure why, but I know he has a plan for me and I have accepted that plan.

I learned through an awful storm that I am a really strong person when things go bad. I don't need to have someone around me all the time, that I can handle situations on my own.

Through my husbands eyes I learned that I am beautiful and worth loving. I posted on my wall on time that "I was hot" when I was dressed for a wedding, and I truely believed, I was beautiful! I have NEVER felt this feeling in my life! Even now when I look at the pictures, I think, WOW I looked really nice. What a great feeling!!!

Through my children I have learned that I am truly loved and I am lucky that I have each one of them in my life...they are amazing!!!

Through the friends I have I have learned to be giving and accepting, and that I will never be alone again.

Most of all I have learned to open my heart and love more deeply, cry only when I need to not because I am upset, but when life really sucks, eat when I am hungry, and that I can handle any situation that is thrown at me, on my own! Food is no longer needed to fill that gap in me when I am stressed, upset, tired, bored, happy, sad, lonely, celebrating, and/or depressed. I have family, friends, and God to fill that need! Love you ALL!!!!

To Miss Taylor: I know you still read my blog so I wanted to say thanks for opening my eyes...you are as amazing in death as you were in life! Can't wait to see you in heaven:) We will walk Gauge and Romulus together!!!

I was on vacation for two weeks and I will admit that the first week I did great with the food, but I did drink wine and the second week I ate more junk food and still continued to drink wine...all of this equals no weight loss...but NO WEIGHT GAIN! Which is amazing for me, Fred said he gained a bunch of weight, so I was happy to stay the same...now back to good eating and not drinking!

I am down 65 pounds, but I still have 75 pounds to go and I know it will be more difficult now. I am not kidding myself and thinking I am just going to lose weight no matter what I do. I know that I need to exercise...can someone open my eyes to exercise? I just HATE it!!! I love golfing, but we don't do it enough, I love swimming, but it is a pain in the butt to go to the gym. I like walking, but not by myself, and yet I don't want to talk when I walk. I like to walk the dogs, it is more work than it is worth sometimes. HELP!

Thanks for reading and thanks for all you have done to help me! I Love each and everyone of you who read my blog...even if you don't follow me:)

5 Months

5 months from date of surgery! Lost 60 pounds and still losing. How do I feel? Well, I was getting ready to go up north today and ran up and down the stairs about 20 times and carried 2w loaqds of laundry up both flights! That is amazing for me...I used to ask Fred to do all that for me! I have so much more energy and I really like myself! I am still in a size 16/18 but a nother 10 pounds and I will be in a 14/16...not sure if there is a size 15 as I haven't been this small in about 20 years. I am so happy that I can buy clothes other than plus sizes! No more 24/26 for me! I can eat almost anything, but I always eat my protien first. Wince you can only eat small amounts it is important to get your daily protien or you start to lose muscle and not fat. £hen you become weak and tired. I have my 6 month check up on August 1q7th! I can't wait!

Tough times doesn't always mean gaining weight anymore!

So in the past few weeks I have dealt with the death of a very young woman, the birth of my new granddaughter, a party and a lot of boating! In the past anyone of these things could have set my diet back about 10 pounds...not this time! Although I felt like I was eating too many chips and snacks, the scale was my friend this morning...I am down to 228.5! That is 56.5 pounds off in 5 months! I am really really happy with this result! I owe most of it to my friends and family have been supporting me. Thank you!!!! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends and family!!!!

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord, You have taken me from the deepest sorrow and grief to the greatest joy and happiness in this one week. Lord, I am not sure if I can take anymore emotions at this time...please Lord, let the family and friends of Taylor seek the comfort that they need in this time of grief and grant your serenity on Nicole, Chris and Avery at this time of their greatest joy. You have graced upon me this week a burden of grief that is so deep that it feels like a blade slashing my skin and the greatest joy that my heart bleeds. I know there are reasons for your will, please help me understand the tremendous loss and be humbled by this greatest joy...Amen

I also would like to ask for forgiveness from my mom! In my emotional and sleep deprived state this morning I did not call and let her know she was a Great Grandma once again...I am so sorry and I will never forgive myself for this mistake...Love you MOM!!!!

Just thinking...

We have faith because we need to believe that there is more to life than just being gone when we have passed...that is why it is called faith...everyone has their own belief and faith...I just wanted to share what I am thinking...it is not right or wrong, just thinking...

When I was little I thought all the stars were the souls of all the people who had passed on, to me that was heaven. Then I believed heaven was a beautiful place that is fluffy and soft and everyone flies around with wings and turn into angels. Then someone brought to my attention that people were reincarnated, I am not a believer in reincarnation, but I have faith that the deepest energy of ones soul stays on earth. That is how we find our "Soul Mates"...which I know Fred and I are.

I would like to believe that both heaven and reincarnation go hand in hand. I want to believe that the part of the soul that makes you unique goes to heaven, but the energy of your soul keeps living on earth and continues all the good things you have not completed. I have wanted to believe that when the body dies the soul seeks the body or a child that is soon to be born, to begin again. My theory had one flaw, how does the population keep growing if we just switch one body in death for one body in life. Now, I believe that there are souls that have much more energy than just one newborn could handle so it takes two newborns or more to handle those souls. Have you ever heard "why do all the good ones have to die?" It is because they have the biggest souls.

I have faith that Taylor is in heaven walking with God, but I don't think she was done here on Earth...I think that her living soul is in heaven and that her soul's energy will be given to a new body to carry on her mission on Earth! I also think that her soul had so much energy that it was given to more than one child...her energy will live on in many new lives that will be born. Those lives will grow up to be really special...they will love animals, love sports, be at one with God, and light up all the lives they touch, they will be truly special children! Yes, Taylor is walking next to God, that I know, I just pray that her energy has been given to many others to carry on her legacy here on Earth! I am positive that Taylor had to much energy in her to just be gone, let me have my faith...just thinking...

Saying Goodbye...

Today was weigh in Wednesday, it just seems like a really insignificant thing in my life right now. I weighed in at 230 this morning...another 2 pounds down. I should be really excited...however, I can't help but think that my little friend Taylor will no longer be here on earth to read my blog. However, I know she will be in heaven looking down on me and will be very disappointed in me if I fail, because failure was not in her vocabulary! So I in honor of Taylor I will NOT eat because of my pain...I will make sure I keep reaching for my goals no matter how much I am hurting inside.

I only have 17 followers and Taylor was one of them. She was such a free spirited beautiful young lady. She gave her all in everything she did. I would look at her and wish that I could have been more like her when I was young. I was introverted and she was the total opposite of me. I really didn't know her that well, we only got together a few times for boating and Bears games, but the short time I did spend with her, she just amazed me. She loved my dog Gauge and wanted to see him every time we were together. She lit up the lives of every one that she met. She will be missed! Fourth of July fireworks on the lake will never be the same without her laugh...but her spirit will be there with every bang and every flash of colorful light. I will wait to say goodbyes to her until that night because I know she will be there with me, for me to say my goodbyes. God bless you Taylor and I know you are walking beside God with Romulus at your side!

Not to sound like I am bragging, but....

I just had to blog...so much to talk about, so little time! I know I have said this before, but I am totally sure that I am by far the luckiest woman in the world...I know, you think you are, but really, I am! I just want to scream out loud!!!! I will start by the fact that I have the most AMAZING husband in the world...yes...mine! Not yours, mine! He has seen me through so much and sticks by me no matter what I say or do...he is not perfect, but he is amazing.

I am expecting my fourth grandchild any day now! I can't wait to meet her...she will be the perfect mix of Chris and Nicole, funny, smart, loving, fun, kind, caring, and strong willed. I CAN'T wait!!!!

Sara and Bryan's wedding is around the corner, and it is a funny thing that I feel like Bryan is already a son. He lived with us for so long, I know him very well. He is a brute on the outside, but a pussy cat on the inside...I know...you can't fool mom! No ones perfect, but Bryan is perfect for Sara and she is truly in love!!! I can't wait!!! I love the new addition to our family too...LILLI!!! What a perfect puppy!

Jason and his family are off to Yellowstone, my favorite place in the world!!! I can't wait to hear of all their adventures. It is going to be so much fun!!!! I am glad that Jason loves it out there...in fact all of our kids do...wish I could be with them, but I have seen Yellowstone, I haven't met Avery yet...

I love my house, my yard, my job, my car, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my dogs, my fish...I love my life!!! What more can I say...it is a perfect day!!!!

Wednesday Weigh In

So, I weighed in this morning and down to 232! What an amazing achievement. I went from 285 to 232 in 4 months! I can hardly believe it! I had a few weeks that I didn't lose anything and then...bam an 8 pound loss in a week! I am sure by Sara's wedding I will be under 200 pounds! I am so looking forward to that day!

All Better!

So, the doctor's office called and said to be there at 1:10 pm and it was 12:50. Did you know it only takes 15 minutes to get to NIMC from my house?! We get there and a VERY nice doctors comes in and talks to me and takes out .5 cc of fluid. It was immediate pain release! It didn't even hurt and he said make sure to tell Dr. Heydari that and we laughed (because it always hurts when he does it!). I drank a glass of water and no pain, no bubbling, just satisfaction. Got home and just ate two peanut butter and apple butter rice cakes...feeling better. Headache almost gone, and almost motivated to clean this disaster of a house. I guess this is all the part of the adventure...I don't want to feel that again...EVER! I learned that it is really important to drink the water after a fill, take your time, and tell the doctor anything that doesn't feel right...it won't go away with time! It also reminded me of how great my family and friends are! Thanks for all your well wishes. Especially, to Fred for being so patient with me the last two days...I love you!!!!!!

I Can't Believe it!

Update...the doctors office finally calls...Dr. Heydari is in surgery today and tomorrow, and asks if I can wait until Wednesday to see him. Of course I can...I called you today because I am feeling GREAT! HELL NO I can't wait until Wednesday! They are going to get me a time to go to NIMC so he can do the unfill there...just waiting for the call! I can't believe they really thought I could wait. It feels like I am having a heart attach 24/7 for two days. They even tell you to call if you have any problems, well I am!

Still not Good!

So it was hurting so bad last night that I got the nerve up to call the doctor. Of course a different doctor is on call...needless to say he was of no help! I woke up this morning in more pain and waited until 8 am to call the doctors office...no one is in. I called the Weight Loss center and left a message...good news is that I lost about 3 pounds in two days! Now I am waiting to get a call back. I hope Dr. Heydari is not out of town, I don't want some unknown doctor to touch my bity belly. I can't wait until this pressure and pain is gone!

Not a Good Thing!

Here it is one day since my fill and I am feeling like crap! This is what is called an overfill...I can only eat about three bites of food, and a few sips of water at a time. Then my stomach starts making weird bubbling noises and I start belching. It feels like hell! The doctor is open tomorrow and I am going to have to go in and have some saline taken out. I guess if you want to look at the glass half full, I am not puking. Just another adventure in my weight loss adventure...one that I could do without!

New Picture

I posted a new picture...I hope it shows up!

Success is not a race, be patient.

So, another fill this morning...I have officially lost 4 pounds since May 11. I have gone from a size 24 (very tight) to a size 16 ( a little tight still). I went from a 3X shirt to a Large...I am feeling good about all my success. I need to learn to be more patient...it took me 30 years to put on all this weight, I have to remember it won't go away over night. However, it is coming off and I feel GREAT! I feel more positive about everything in my life, I have more energy, my knees don't hurt, I can walk up stairs without pain, and I am one happy lady! I have my bad moments and I feel really bad for those around me when that happens, but it is much easier to control! I have NO regrets, I just need more patients:)

I guess I can say that I am the luckiest person in the world. I have gone from almost no friends to a lot of friends. Not because of the weight loss, but because I finally found my place in this world. I made the best move in my life when I left Pleviak and moved to Palombi. In seven years at Pleviak I made four friends...all of which I still talk to...it is such a cliquey place! You are either in or out.

When I first started teaching there I was over my head with my family, no mentor, a very difficult class, and learning how to plan lessons, grade papers, and teach. I didn't have time to make friends that year...not to mention my class was off in the middle of nowhere land! When I was ready to make friends, I was shunned...When I joined Palombi it was like going home.

The staff there is so amazing. They are more mature than the elementary staff, there is one small clique, but we ignore them. We have fun! We don't have to go out drinking to have fun either...we can just hang out and eat dinner, go to a movie, go shopping, just about anything. I know that if I need anything I can pick up my phone and call anyone of them and they would be there for me. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are loved be more than just family! They say if you have one good friend in your life, you are lucky...I am the luckiest person in the world because I have a whole school of friends! Thanks to all of my Palombi friends for making me feel a part of a community, I really needed all of you!

One week later...

I am in doubt! I don't think that I can do this...not that I have a choice, but my body just doesn't want to take off this weight...according to the scale this morning (weigh in Wednesday) I have gained back two pounds! Yes, I got off and on that scale about 8 times before I believed it. I swear I could gain weight by sniffing food! With all my running around and golf, I thought for sure at least one pound would be gone...but nooooooo. I can't eat that much or I throw up, I am not "grazing" (eating all time), and I have more energy than ever...so why did I gain weight. Maybe I am PMS'ing...we will see next Wednesday. Goal for this week...be more active at work and at home, get my protein in everyday, and stay away from alcohol!

I do love the new littler me:) I just want more:)

Wednesday Weigh-in

So I am weighing in on Wednesdays as the doctor asked me to keep a weekly journal. I am so excited...I have lost 2 pounds this week. It amazes me that I am actually losing weight, I am not hungry, and I don't have to fight the lose one pound gain 2, lose 5 pounds gain 10...it just keeps coming off! What a great feeling. I feel like I am the incredible shrinking woman.

Well lets see, what has happened to me in the last week...I have thrown up three times! It is the weirdest thing. Since I am being honest and not holding back, skip to the next paragraph if talking about throwing up makes you sick! What happens is, I get this horrible feeling in my chest, it feels like a heart attack, I then the mucus in my through starts to bubble, and then it just just comes up. When it happens, there is very little food, but a lot of bubbles and mucus! It is the weirdest thing ever, but once it is over, I feel great! Although I can't eat anymore for a while. It is just something I guess I will have to live with. It mainly happens with really dry food, or greasy food.

I am gaining more energy everyday and I am getting so proud of myself. I love that I can still eat mostly anything I want, just in really small amounts. I don't miss chips and dip, and I don't miss second helpings. I think I am almost to the point of being able to this without even thinking about it. It is almost to the point that I can wake up and not think about everything I am eating, I just do it! This is an amazing journey!!!!

On another note...I HATE FULL MOONS!!!! Students act crazy and parents are crazy! Love all of you and thanks for reading!

Not Since I can remember!

The weigh in! I have officially lost 45 pounds! 240!!!!! I was 246 in August of 2003, that is the lowest weight I remember being. I know when I went to Honduras in 1990 I was in Jenny Craig and 199. Then I just kept going up and up and up! This is the first time I am going down, down down!

Dr. Heydari is the most amazing doctor! He knows just what to say to make you feel like a 100 bucks! I was upset when I walked in about the lack of progress and he set me straight. He said that 12 pounds in one month is amazing. He hoped for 10 pounds. He said that the lapband is a slower process and that 8 pounds a month is an average weight loss, so I am doing really well...which makes me feel better. I know that I can do that and more with the nice weather coming.

So to celebrate me I went and bought some new clothes...again! I used to hate shopping, but now I love it!!! I love the pants I bought and they fit perfect! One more size down a and I can shop the Juniors section again...I can't wait!!!!

Yes, the fill hurt, but it is well worth it. I had about 1/4 of an egg white flat bread from DD and I am still full. I am so glad that I have learned to eat healthy and yet I can still eat out and feel like I am not really on a diet. I am getting closer to the day that I can wake up and it is just a normal life. It is hard with Fred around though, he still likes his beer and food and I always want to keep up with him, but I am learning that I cannot even come close to keeping up with him! It is a man thing:)

Goal for the week...make people smile, thank everyone personally for putting up with my moods and supporting me, apologize to my teammate I was mean too...not the one I hate! I wasn't sure if my moods were done, or if it was just a lull, so I didn't want to apologize and then do it again. I am pretty sure that I am back to myself and the worst is over. I need to apologize now and then pray I don't lash out again!

Crazy

I am thinking that I am crazy! It is now 12 weeks...I have lost 43 pounds in a little over 3 months. However, I need to do better! The last three weeks I have been at a standstill!!!! I thought by now I would have lost at least 50 pounds. People who didn't have surgery are losing more weight than I am. I HAVE to start working out! I came closer today, I took out my work out clothes. I really don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow, I am not going to enjoy this weigh in...it is all my fault though. No more wine...and start my exercise program. I need to get to the gym 5-6 days a week.

Last week was the worst week ever for a diet! The PTO thinks that to reward us for our hard work they need to feed us crap everyday. One day was dessert day...REALLY???? Every kind of dessert you can think of, I had a chocolate chip cookie and an oatmeal cookie...that was BAD! The next day was hot dog day! I didn't have any...breakfast day was alright, I was able to have a light yogurt,and sub sandwich day I ate the meat and cheese from the sub...but the worst day of all was Friday! Candy day...they fill all these big bowls full of candy and you can take a bag and fill it up with what you like, reeses peanut butter cups, mini candy bars, mikes and ikes, m&m's...you name it they had it!!! I had to walk through that room about 20 times and I finally broke down and had ONE mini peanut butter cup. I would rather get a gift card for 50 dollars and call it a day. No one needs those calories. It is nice, but there are other nice things that everyone could enjoy and leave us people out that need to stay away from unhealthy treats.

Well, I will write more tomorrow after my appointment.

Don't Get me Wrong

After thinking about my post from yesterday I thought, "Oh Shit!" Why? You ask...I don't want all my friends to think I don't appreciate them! There were many people at that made me feel GREAT, even when my missing link wasn't there...you all know who you are!!! I know one member of my team made me feel good and I love her for all that she did! She may not have had lunch with me everyday, but I knew she was there and very supportive:) !!!! And all my HOOTER friends...you know who you are!!! You ROCK! I love you all and don't want you to think that I don't, it is just that the missing link is like my reminder to laugh! I can't explain it...she is the missing link and you all are that links that make my life complete...without all of you I would be nothing! This includes my family too! Without all the links, it just doesn't work:) I love you all so much and you will never know how much, because I am not good with words...glad you are there for me and I want to be there for you:)

The Missing Link

I have been so down and complaining about work since my surgery. I honestly thought it was the surgery, my recovery, and my turmoil over food. Since Monday I have found out how wrong I have been. My problem was our missing team member who was out on maternity leave! I guess I missed her...but could anyone really miss someone that much? YES!

Don't get me wrong, I like all the members of my team (except one) however, none of them have what you could call a great sense of humor. The missing link is a fun loving, happy person!!!! the others are all business and arguing is their favorite past time.

The missing link had her baby the day before my surgery and was gone for 10 weeks. Meetings were no longer fun! No laughing:( I had no one to eat lunch with that would make me smile or even laugh out loud! Surprisingly, my other team member friend started coming back to lunch again too. Not that I think she didn't want to eat with me and talk to me, but I really wasn't fun!!!!

Yes, for those of you who have known me a long time...I have lost my fun loving spirit like I used to be...I was once the person cracking jokes, with the quick wit...I was the missing link at one time. It is so great to have my smile back. I need to return to those roots of my fun loving days. I am glad the missing link is back, life is good again!

My goal is to make people smile this week!

Have you ever

Have you ever wondered who named the colors? Why is the sky blue and not green? What is to say that color blind people are actually seeing things the correct way and the rest of aren't? Who was the first person to put a mushroom in their mouth and say, "mmmmmmm that is really good"? I think about these things all the time. I am curious about everything! I need to know everything! I am amazed at how much we learn just by living everyday!

In the last 11 weeks I have learned more about me, my family, and my friends than I ever thought was possible! I have learned that I don't need food when I have such great friends. I may not be losing weight at an amazing rate, but I am losing and I am keeping it off! This is all because of the love and support of all my family and friends reminding me to think differently about food and my life. Food is something I need to fuel my body, I do not need it to sooth me when I am upset, cheer me up when I am sad, or entertain me when I am bored. It is a benefit of going to lunch with a friend, but the friend is why I am there, not the food.

I learned that although I am not the friendliest, most caring, helpful person in the world...I am loving, generous, and kind. I would do anything for my family and friends! I have learned how to reach out and say, I need you...I have learned when I need to say I am sorry and when I have a right to have stand up for me, even if that upsets you. I have learned that if you can't understand me, I don't need to waste my time to explain myself to you over and over again. I love the new improved me!

Learning is fun!

Driven

We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

William Glasser


I agree! That is all:)

Great Weekend!

I had a great weekend! Spent time with family and friends and now I am going to lunch with more friends! I drank too much wine yesterday...but it was a holiday so I splurged and I still lost a half of a pound since Saturday morning! I am definitely staying on my plan from now on! Tonight will be the last night of eating out for a long time! It is Chris's birthday and we are taking him to dinner.

That sinking feeling about work is not so strong now. I am looking forward to being back with my students! We are having a contest in advisory this week and I am looking forward to that! I love my advisory students this year:) They are so much fun! I am looking forward to the end of the year and all the fun things we do. Yes, it is usually chaotic...but so much fun! I am going to drag my short story unit to the end of the year! It is going to be GREAT! I can't wait to have a full day to spend with my reading teacher friends and language arts friends so we can plan some fun units together for next year! A lot of great things are happening!!!!

10th Week!

Week ten already! Hard to believe it has been that long ago! So weigh in this morning was a little disappointing, but an eye opener too...244. Only one pound lost this last week. However, it was a pound lost and not a pound gained. They did say with the lapband surgery it would take a year to 18 months to reach my goal. I am down 41 pounds and feeling much better already! I would like to be down another 50 by Sara's wedding in October. I think that is a reasonable goal, with the summer (hopefully) coming soon and being out of the house more, it will be easier.

So here is my plan - Get back on track with my eating! I need to make sure I am getting my protein and stay way from the fat! I need to get my protein shake in once a day! I will stop eating oatmeal for breakfast and have a hard boiled egg or a poached egg. I will start this workout program that I am putting off. When stressed from work I am going to release that energy in a more productive manner like working out, or taking a walk.

This past week I found that bread is totally off my diet, even when toasted! I can not eat the fat free tortillas, but I can eat crackers like wheat thins no fat or triscuit no fat. When I eat bread or some foods I get a pain in my chest that makes me feel like I am dying! Then I vomit a small amount of food. It hurts like you wouldn't believe! I don't want to feel that pain ever again! No eating too fast, no eating too much, and no eating bread! Lesson learned!

I have a bad feeling about work in the bottom of my stomach...not sure why...I just don't even want to be there and I hope this feeling goes away before Tuesday morning! I am just really tired of people getting away with not doing their job because there are no consequences for them! Or some teachers thinking they are better than the rest of us and they try to take over everything! It is very sad!

I am very glad I had many other work/life experiences before I became a teacher. It taught me many things that I think these people who start teaching straight out college don't have...patience, pick your battles, and there is no I in team! I also think that bringing up three children in school systems and not being a teacher helped me see the reality in being a parent/student and I don't set goals for my students that aren't attainable...and I know as a parent I DON'T want to be called unless it is really, really important or something that can't be worked out in school. I had children on all spectrum's of the learning curve from ADHD to learning disables, to really smart and wouldn't turn in work and the average student that tries hard and gets good grades!

I think that the teachers I work with need to realize...this is just 7th grade! My children had their problems in school, but when they got to High School and college, they turned on all those things that we preached for those 8 years! It was amazing to see them working hard to get good grades. I think that if we just continue to help students be organized, teach them to prioritize, and how study, someday it will click, whether it is in 8th grade, High School, or College, or even their first real job! They won't always get it by the end of 7th grade!!! Get over it and stop treating them like babies! Calling parents is NOT going to help either! Making the student responsible is the only way to teach them responsibility, not through punishment or rewards! Remember, you may never see the benefits of your hard work for that one year, but the knowledge that I have given my students the skills they will need to succeed in life is enough for me!

Positive Attitude

Accept the things that I cannot change - I cannot change the work ethics of others, I cannot change that some fellow workers are neurotic, I cannot change the administration and their way of thinking. I cannot eat sugar or high fat foods! I have to eat protein and low fat, low sugar foods. I cannot change who I am.

Change the things I can - I can speak up for myself when I feel that people are taking advantage of me. I can do my job and not worry about what others are doing. I can stop thinking or desiring foods I cannot eat ever again. I can be more helpful. I can stop thinking that people at work do things just to make me look bad, in other words stop being paranoid. I can be more loving and nurturing to everyone I know.

My goal is to get through everyday with as little negativity as possible, and as much positivity as possible.

Today is Chris's 28th Birthday! Love you Chris!

Another day

Today was a great day! I went out the door with a positive attitude, walked into work with a positive attitude, and walked out at the end of the day with a positive attitude. I spoke with someone today and they reminded me of the Serenity Prayer and she told me of how she has changed her life recently. She gave me ideas on how to deal with stress and emotions. How to deal with people, and how to deal with myself and I really love her for sharing! I think I have a plan now and I am back to the me you know and love.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

When I feel stressed or emotional I will look at the problem, is it within my control to change...then I will change it, if it is not with in my control to change, I will walk away and keep on smiling. I will leave each day one at a time, each moment at a time, and not get upset when life gets in the way. I will also accept that life is not always easy and sometimes I need to suck it up, shut up, and keep on smiling! Most of all, I will not dwell on things that have already happened, life is too short to sweat the small things:)

So I am going to write a book...where to start? Maybe start small with some short stories. or a children's book...my niece is a wonderful illustrator and I want her to illustrate a book...so here I go to write my first one...I am thinking a dragonfly and a frog! My two favorite things in the world.

I will keep you updated:)

Every one of you never cease to amaze me!

Back on Track

Okay...so the eating is going great! I have lost a total of 40 pounds since 2/5/11! Pretty amazing. I no longer feel hungry, a half of a burger is more than enough for dinner, and I am able to eat what I like.

However, I am an emotional eater and I knew this would happen! I can't smoke, I can't drink, and I can't eat when I am stressed or upset...so what do I do? Please, don't tell me to take a walk or exercise, that only makes me want food more at this point...

I went and talked to a few people today that I needed to talk to and they are the best people! I love my job and I love the school I work at...I know I complain and that is not fair. I am taking things out on everyone and it really is only a few people. Although, to be fair to myself, some people are just oblivious to what they do. Or they know the buttons to push to set me off and keep on pushing them.

I am really not asking for more support than I need. I really, really, really need all of you right now. At times I feel like my world is caving in on me. I am so glad that Fred is here for me, he is such a rock! However, I know that he is glad I also have you, because I would drive him insane otherwise. When I can get this all under control I am taking anyone, that will go, out for drinks! You all deserve it!!!! Seriously, I am so lucky to have each and everyone of you in my life!!!!!!

On a brighter note, I am a great aunt again! Vincento entered the world on Monday! I can't wait to meet him. I think he looks like my dad in pictures, but I need to see him in person to tell for sure. Did I tell everyone that I am having another granddaughter? Avery Caroline...so cute...can't wait to meet her in June:) My son Jason got a new job at Salem Fire Department! He is there full time now...I wonder how he likes it, haven't talked to him a while.

My tattoo is healed enough so I am going to sit in the hot tub for an hour or two and just meditate...see you all another day.

Goal - To chill out and find a way to deal with emotions and stress in a more constructive way! Laugh more, love more, and appreciate every minute I have with all of you...my friends and family:)

really hard

I am having a really hard time emotionally...wish I could take time off from the world until I can get this under control. Although it is not all my fault...I am making worse.

This Journey

I have realized that this is not just a journey in my health, it is in family, friends, teaching, learning, and sooooo many things! I apologize to all of you that I have been short with lately. I think that it is harder to give up food than it was to give up cigarettes! It has affected me in more ways than any of the nurses, psychologist, doctors, and nutritionists had warned me. I think about it ALL the time. When you are talking to me about a TV show, I am thinking about what I can have for a snack, or that I really want a pizza. My mind is only on food!!!! I have even been dreaming about food, which I have never done this before. I have also realized how important it is to have a family that loves you and friends that are there for you through thick and thin...and listen to obsessions with food constantly. I can't thank you enough for putting up with my ups and downs, highs and lows, and my neurotic moods!!!

I still HATE (yes a very strong word, with a very strong feeling behind it!) one person I work with and I will NOT be nice to them!!! Sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere...

My goal this week is to try to focus on my moods and to be more positive and less neurotic. I am also looking for a new position as a reading specialist. I am going to focus on trying to get this job. It is what I really want! Although I would really miss my Palombi family. I probably don't have a chance at this job because they want someone with a secondary ed degree which I don't have, but it is for a reading specialist which is for K-12th grade...we will see how it goes.

So, some times it is hard to put things in perspective when losing weight. However, this morning I was thinking and this is what I came up with. I have gone from a size 24 to a size 18/20 in three months! That is pretty darn significant! The capris I put on yesterday from last year would not stay up on by butt and the shirt I wore was bought to wear in Yellowstone last year, but it was too small then! It was too big yesterday! My favorite jeans do not need to be unzipped to put on or take off...and I could barely button them three months ago...I feel so good. I have gone down a half a shoe size too!!!!! I won't mention my breast size...but it is shrinking too...LOL I can't help but be excited. To heck with that scale! I know that I have a long way to go, but I am well on my way to a healthy, happy new me!

My goal for this week is to fit in more veggies and fruits and walk daily!

new me

Well I started putting in applications at other schools. I love Palombi,but I fear that I will never be accepted as a expert in my field. It is very upsetting to have to go to s workshop that I could teach and not be there for my students when they are tsking the MAP test. I spent a lot of money on s masters degree asa reading specialist/literacy coach and not to be a reading teacher. I could have just gotten my endorsement and not easted so much money...besides my heart is with those struggling readers. I don't think I eill get a job, but it is worth a try.

So this week I am down another two pounds and my summer clothes are to Big!

Yep!

What a crazy week! I had a total melt down on Tuesday!  I was ready to quit my job, crawl in a hole and stay there until I starved to death...thank goodness I didn't do any of this! 

I am just not a nit picker...why do people have to be, does filling out a simple form have to be such a big deal???  Why can't one decision stay and not be changed by one or two people and the team has no real voice!  YES I WANTED TEAM DAY, I like team day, it is good for the kids!  It seems like everyone is trying to out do each other in the decision making area....who can get it done the fastest...not necessarily the best way.  Why do people go out of their way to try to make me look bad, or take over my job...doesn't make any sense to me.  I am not going anywhere...I will be there next year.  I have half a mind to go ask if we are shaking up seventh grade this year.  It is just really hard when you have two people that won't do anything and two people that want to do everything (their way), and one person that doesn't care because she is just temporary, and another person that just wants everyone to be happy...and of course that is not me!   I make a suggestion today and everyone liked it, but everyone leaves the meeting and it was not finalized...that is the problem, nothing gets finalized and it is left open for change.  EVERYTHING has to such a major issue!  Really, we waste 30 minutes on a conversation on what to do on team day and then one person from the team talks to another team and all of a sudden it changes!  REALLY!  We talk and talk and talk and nothing is said!  I even stopped taking notes, because we say nothing and if we do on occasion come up with a plan, it changes before the next morning by one or two people...more time is wasted then I can even count.  Yes I am irritated! Sure there are good things about our team, just not feeling them now!!!!! I think I will just do what other team leaders do, just make the decisions and just bring it to the team, and they get no say.  They were even making plans with one of the teachers to do NWEA test ing...who asked for their help?  I know what I am doing and why do they think they need to stick  their nose in my business all the time? And then it is brought up like I wasn't doing my job...oh yeah we need to get you the test instructions to look at...REALLY???? I would have talked to her already if she was going to do any testing!  It is one of the reasons I decided to do all the testing myself...Ughhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I want a German Chocolate Blizzard with extra coconut and pecans!  Done with my vent! 


Second fill yesterday.  I always feel so much better after talking to the nutritionist, doctor and nurse.  He reminded me that the first fill wasn't suppose to do much.  The second fill will do more.  Then third will be the most.  When I weighed in I had not lost any weight in two weeks, but I didn't gain either.  I lost the 5 pounds I gained in Vegas!  I am doing great they all said, and were surprised I had done so well in Vegas.  I am going to start my exercise program this weekend...I just don't have a good time to go and work out...I don't want to do it alone and the best time is right after work and no one I know that works out with me can do it then.  I will never get on a horse if I don't start working out! 

I am so negative lately.  My self esteem is really low and my team hates me, and I want to be a good team leader and no one will let me, and my family is off doing their own thing and I don't have any real friends (not family).  I try to make friends, but I am horrible at it, I am so awkward.  One good thing is that I get to meet with my reading team tomorrow and I love them!  I don't think they love me as much, but I do love them! It will be a better morning and thus a better day.

Why?

I am ready to go back to my old ways!  I am hungry all the time, my stomach is always growling, I am irritable, lazy, tired, angry, and feeling let down by yet another scam!  I go for another fill tomorrow and if this doesn't work I don't know what I am going to do! 

Food for today:
Breakfast
Protein Smoothie
3/4 c. skim milk
1/2 cup strawberries
2 scoops protein

1 lg McDonalds Decaf Coffee w/ 4 cream and 1 splenda

Lunch
1 cup of Chili
2 crackers multigrain

Snack
Banana
Low Fat Skim milk String Cheese

Not sure about dinner yet...does this sound like I should gain weight????

I am really, really, really frustrated!  Thanks for letting me vent!

Back to Reality!

Spring break is almost over and what break it was!  I had so much fun in Vegas, but you know what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!  Except the extra weight!  This sucks...walking miles everyday, eating my three square meals, being careful what I ordered, and staying away from alcohol (well, mostly).  I gain 5 POUNDS!  I am literally eating about a cup of food at each meal, eating my protein first, watching the fat, and sugar, and I still can't continually lose weight.   I think I am Gods joke to the world.  I am going to put this girl on earth, tease as a teen and let her know what it is like to be thin, and then make her fat and not let her lose weight no matter what she does! 

No more feeling sorry for myself!  I need to get off my butt, record what I eat every meal, and exercise daily! 

Second fill this Wednesday!  Can't wait.  I am still hungry when I am done eating, hopefully this next fill will help with that feeling.  

When I left work on Friday a week ago, I had planned for the remainder of the year, graded all papers turned in to me to date, and was on a roll.  I hope I can continue the roll when I return tomorrow.  I love that for the first time ever on a break from work I didn't feel that I needed to do something to catch up.  I feel bad for the teachers that are posting on facebook that they are grading papers or going in to the school to work. I wish that parents and tax payers would understand that teachers don't really get these "breaks".  We use them to catch up on work we can't get done during our regular week because we are teaching their kids and don't have time for all the bull crap paperwork we are given!

I hope we get a good storm this afternoon!  I love stormy Sundays...they are the best way to end a week.

Have a GREAT week! 

What a WEEK!

When you are a teacher no one understands the stress you endure everyday.  If you call a parent you don't know if they will be grateful or mad.  When you deal with other teachers, some can be anal and others are flexible.  It sucks at times.  I had one really bad episode last week.  Thank goodness the teacher and myself were able to work it out and we are fine now.  She knows I am mad and I still love her, and I know that she wasn't doing things on purpose and she does respect me.  It is all good now...In addition, I found out that most parents are very supportive of what you are doing, especially if you are trying to help their child.  It is all in the approach. Well enough of my business update and on to my personal update.

So lets see...I was really thinking about reaching out to my sister that I haven't talked to in a few years, and then she pulled another fast one on my mom and decided...nope I made the right decision all those years ago and there are no regrets!  Guess what, thanks to her my nightmares about her have stopped!  I am free again.  Thank goodness I did not jump the gun and do something I would regret the rest of my life. 

Now about my weight loss.  I had so much support last week when I was whining and crying about the non-weight loss.  I am truly blessed with so many supporters.  I am so proud of all my friends and they have joined me in the healthy eating and exercising...they are all starting to show me up on their weight loss journey, which is fine with me!  The more healthy people we have in the world, the world is a better place!  I am glad I can be the motivation for so many wonderful people!!!

Weigh in Saturday - the only day of the week that I weigh myself that counts.  I am down to 248.5!!!! Under 250 pounds!  What a great feeling, but the best of all this is how I feel.  I have so much more energy and I was running around at the volleyball game yesterday and loving every second of it.  I also put on a pair of pants I have not worn since 2003!  In fact I am 2 pounds away for the weight I was when I went to Spain in 2003.  I am so proud of myself.  I know I have my ups and downs and I truly appreciate all the facebook support I get when I am momentarily freaking out.  It really helps me put everything back into perspective.  Keep it up!

Today is my first day back a LA Fitness!  I am looking forward to a great work out!!!

Happy Winter Break - Oh wait...it is Spring Break!  LOL

Not Going to Lie!

It has really been difficult the last two months!  Nerves, stress, depression, happiness, love, hate, enthusiasm, I have felt all these feelings...sometimes I am happy one minute and then go straight to depression or I feel hate and go straight to love.  It has been a rocky mountain road...sometimes up and sometimes down!  Today it is only 12:48 pm and I have felt all of these feelings since I got out of bed at 8:00 a.m.  Talk about going up and down the mountains at a racing speed!  I have such a headache right now it is amazing I can even focus on this blog.

When I woke up and weighed myself, I was upset!  I have only lost 2.5 pounds since my last doctors appointment.  I was really hoping for more.  I know I have lost 22 pounds since I started my 10 day diet and 30 since my very first weigh in.  I was just wanting more.  It seems like all I do is think about food, reading labels, making sure I am getting enough protein, staying away from fat and sugar.  I am eating about a cup of food per meal and I only lost 2.5 pounds.  How terrible to starve yourself to be thin...I said I would never do this!

So I reach out to my facebook friends because I am depressed...and yes, they came through and reminded me that it is a JOURNEY, a life change, not just a month of starving and then back to the old me.  If this was the ould me, I would have ate a ton of food this morning and gained back the 2.5 pounds back.  I am not going back  to that girl!  Thanks friends!  You know who you are:)

Then I get to the doctors office and they were amazed at my weight loss so far.  The nutritionist says I am doing everything right.  The nurse was amazed at my blood pressure and the "glow" I had.  This made me feel better.  Then Dr. Heydari tells me that all the weight I have lost up until now is a plus.  The band was put in and bity was only restricted by the surgery for about two weeks.  The weight I have lost was all on my own and not because of the surgery (well I wouldn't have gone a 10 day liquid diet if I didn't have to!).  Now look at me, I am 30 pounds lighter, I am down two sizes in clothes, I have more energy, my blood pressure is lower than it has been in years!  I have put myself first and it has paid off!  Now the band will kick in and start its thing and I will do even better...

My first fill hurt like hell!  Seriously, it hurt!  I have been poked with many needles in my life, but that hurt.  I could hear and feel the saline enter the band...what a weird feeling.  Now, I am restricted to a liquid diet for 24 hours then eat as tolerated. I am hoping it feels like it did right after surgery when a 1/4 cup of pudding filled me up for hours...no more hunger.  3 meals a day and 2 snacks, and a protein drink daily and I will not be hungry all the time.  I am so excited for the next mountain I have to climb!  Oh, and I can start exercising too!  I hate exercising, but I need to get in the habit:)  Any hints on how to fit exercise into a lazy persons life?

The journey continues and I hope that one day I wake up and eat all my meals and snacks and not think about it as a diet, but as my life!

The Right Choice

My daughter and her fiance bought me a jar of Kind Notes to open when I was depressed because of my new life style.  I have been opening one each morning to get me through the day.  Today's made me cry..."Just look at where you are now...this was the right choice!"  That is what I was thinking all day yesterday!  This morning at my weekly weigh in I am down 35 pounds!  It may not sound like much, but it is huge to me! I went through 2 weeks of not losing anything and I was really depressed.  I stuck with the new life style and didn't fall back into bad habits.  I know that I am going to lose this weight and to know that the weight will never come back is the best feeling ever.  It has been a long haul and will be for a while longer, but I know my decision was the right one!  I feel like I am shrinking:)

My goal now is to start exercising and have the strength to get on a horse when we go to Yellowstone this year instead of riding in the stage coach...I am always embarrassed when Fred is telling the story.  Not this year, I am going on the horse!!!  I would also like to take that hike out to the lake that we wanted to take last year, but I couldn't.  I am excited for my new life.

I also have so many reasons to feel lucky this past 12 months.  Sara found a job that makes her happy and she loves going to work, and is planning her dream wedding.  Chris found a job and he is happy with his life and a baby coming, they are also thinking of looking for a new home.  Jason found his place in life this week too!  I am so excited for all of us!  We are celebrating tonight with a Luck of the Irish party and campfire.  If you are bored, stop by and have a beer with us:) 

Got to go clean:) 

4 weeks post op

So four weeks ago I had my surgery!  I went from full liquids to blended food (which I kind of skipped), and now I am on a soft diet!  I have lost 33 pounds.  I went through a week or two on a plateau, I think my body was going through a melt down with having actual food.  In the last 3 days I have lost 2 pounds.  It was really getting depressing!  I would lose one and gain 2.  It was to the point I thought I would NEVER lose weight.  I think my body is back on track now and I will continue to lose. I was quite depressed!

One thing that I have noticed the most is my face is looking thinner and my neck.  I have gone down 2 clothes sizes and I have so much more energy.  The one thing that is most amazing to me is that I am getting my organization back at work and I am thinking more clearly.  It is amazing what losing weight can do for you!!!

I went to a support meeting of others who have had the surgery and it was soooooo motivating.  There was one girl there that went from a size 22 to a size 8 since last May.  A woman who lost 275 pounds in two years and a man that lost 310 in 2 and a half years.  They shared their storied, their ups and downs.  It made me get back on track.  Not that I wasn't, but it just made me even more determined!

So when does this change from a conscience choice to just the way I life happen?  I am not sure if it ever will, but I really would like to stop obsessing over this.  I just want to wake up one day, eat all my meals and not think about it as a diet or a change in life, that it is just my life and that is how I live.

I went for a walk today at Grant Park.  What a beautiful day!  We all went (Fred, Gauge, and Yoda).  Last time I went was in October and I wasn't even able to walk to the bridge, about 1/4 of a mile there and back.  Today I walked all the way around the path not sure how long (I think about 2 miles), came home and cleaned and now getting ready to eat.  I am feeling so good!  It is great to have energy, my feet hurt a little, but my knees feel great.

I am looking forward to my soft diet.  I can add more sugar free, fat free, low fat foods.  They are right, your taste buds do change after this surgery.  Things I used to love I cannot tolerate, and things I hated I love now.  Weird,b but true!

Enjoy the weather everyone!

Fat Tuesday

Today is Mardi Gras, or Fat Tueday to some.  Really?  I have lived as Fat Tuesday for many years...now I want lean Tuesday!  In our teachers lounge at work there were about 50 desserts...no kidding...homemade and looking quite appetizing.  I had to go out of my way so as not to be tempted.  Finally I broke down and had a piece of banana bread.  I thought it was the most healthy choice.  I only ate a few bites and tossed the rest...it was REALLY good!  I don't feel guilty either!  I could have done much worse...like eat one of everything!  However, I resisted and made a healthy choice. 

I am not feeling full like I thought I would.  I am measuring my amounts to eat at each meal and making sure I don't over do it, but I am constantly hungry.  It is really like it used to be for me.  I am hungry and feeling frustrated and wanting to eat!  I called the doctor today to see if I could get a fill sooner, no one was in today though.  I just don't want to feel hungry.  It seems like I can eat anything I want, even though I haven't.  Like over the weekend we went to a banquet and they served the biggest hunk of prime rib I have ever seen!  I ate what I though to be one serving and pushed the rest aside, but I think I could have eaten the entire piece and not felt full.  However, I have not had a fill yet and I think that might help.  We will see! 

The good news is that I have learned portion control and eating healthy, no sugar, low fat foods.  

Puree Heaven!

Who'd a thunk I would be excited to eat baby food again?  So, pre-surgery diet...watery fruit and veggies, protein drinks, sugar free popcycles, sugar free fudge cycles, broth for 10 days.  Then two weeks of full liquids...same as 10 day only I could add strained cream soups, Jello pudding (sugar free), yogart, oatmeal, grits, and cream of wheats.  Then this week on Tuesday I could add puree foods!  What a delight!!!

So my first puree meal was a chicken breast grilled on the grill (2 oz) and a baked potato with spray butter.  It was like having Thanksgiving day dinner!  I was so excited I almost wet myself...really!  I had it again the next day for lunch and it was just as good heated up.  I feel like a toddler putting my food in a blender, but you know it really doesn't change the taste at all. 

Yesterday, I had a bowl of homemade Chili pureed!  Delicious:)  I was suppose to have some for lunch, but forgot it at home.  Now I have something to look forward to tomorrow.  Went out to dinner tonight, I am a real cheap date now.  Channel Inn in Fox Lake is the most accommodating place I know.  It helps that we have been going there for 20 years too!  I asked for the children's burger with blue cheese and no bun (children's burger is half the size as the adult) and mashed potatoes.  She was very nice and charged me the $5.25 for a child's meal.  I ate half the hamburger patty.  I chewed it twice as good since I didn't have my bullet with me and only had a few spoons of the potatoes!  I was stuffed!!!! It tasted like heaven! 

If I can't loose weight now with the change in my system, I never will!  I am not going to weigh in until Friday morning.

Going out of town this weekend.  We will see how that goes.  Probably eat a lot of burgers and mashed potatoes, but that is okay, I am one happy lady right now.  More energy, can think straight and I want to do stuff again::) 

First Day Back

Where do I begin...well got up early to make sure I was to work by 6:30 am to pick up ISAT materials for today.  Did my makeup and hair and really decided I love my new hair cut!  Weighed myself and was disappointed in a two pound weight gain...I know...I know...there are many factors in losing weight.  I decided that I may not be eating enough and made it my goal for the day to eat all my meals.

Got dressed and thought I was looking nice, but you would think I would have gone down at least a size by now...no...still in the big size I have been in for years...oh well, it will happen!

Went downstairs to pack lunch.  Yoda was sooooo happy to see me.  I think he thought I was staying home again today.  There was really nothing in the fridge or cabinet to bring, so I brought a few yogarts, some pudding, a can of cream with broccoli soup, and some water.  I had a ton of stuff to bring back to school and Fred left early to work out.  I had to put my crate in the car and it weighed a little more than I should be picking up.   I lifted and felt pain in my incision.  Yoda was really sad to go in his crate...I felt like a bad mommy. 

When I got to work, I had to take the crate out of the car (thank goodness it is on wheels).  Then, I noticed blood on my shirt, I had opened the incision again!  It was bleeding and oozing again!  Gross I know, but I am not holding back!  So when our nurse came in I went and got a band aide.  It still hurts, but I think I will live!  LOL

I had no plan period today and the day started with a team meeting...nothing unusual there.  Then ISAT testing, then classes.  I am so far behind at work and I really could have used a plan period today.  However, believe it or not everything fell into place and I was able to accomplish everything.  It was great to have my thoughts back today...it has been awhile since I have thought this clearly all day.  I actually left work on time and finished everything I needed to finish.  YEAH!  That doesn't happen often!

All in all I had a GREAT day!  I love my job:)  Thanks to all of you who stopped by my class today to say hi and welcome me back...that was nice!

I will call the doctor tomorrow if the incision is still oozing, that will be a week and he said it should be fine in a week!

What a weekend!  Spent all day Thursday, Friday, and Saturday grading projects.  Most of the day today putting grades in, posting grades and finishing report cards!  I am ALMOST done...just need to see if any students turned in anything during my absence. 

Last night was my first party since surgery...interesting.  I was good and just drank my water.  I had a bit of the stew broth for dinner.  The interesting part was what people do when they are drunk!  I definitely like being drunk with other drunks better than being sober with other drunks!  However, it is still 4 and a half more months until I can have a drink!  I have gone this far, I am not falling off now:)

Had my hair done today.  The person who does it is so fun!  She has such great ideas for hair.  She layered my hair and blew dried it then used a curling iron...sooooo cute!  However, I will never be able to this again myself.  That is the sad part about going and getting your hair done, it will never look like this again!  My hair is really starting to fall out now, which is a side effect of the diet.  Another side affect is bad breath...it will go away in time, but I will be spraying a lot of scope for the next few months and eating tic tacs!

Well, it is back to work tomorrow...pretty scary stuff...I miss my students, but I don't miss a lot of the bull.  We have ISAT this week so it will be an easy week.  I have not weighed myself in a few days.  Maybe tomorrow...it is hard to not look everyday, but it is also not good to become obsesses.  I feel better, my knees don't hurt as much, when I went to the doctor last week my blood pressure was lower than it has been in years.  I guess these are the things I should focus on right now.  I will be putting on work clothes tomorrow that i haven't worn in weeks...we'll see how that goes.

Have a GREAT week!

Lack of Motivation

Motivation is a funny thing...you either have it or you don't.  Some people are highly motivated and others are not motivated at all.  Some things you may be more motivated for than others.  For instance, I am highly motivated to lose weight at this time.  Seven months ago I was not motivated at all...why?  I am always motivated to plan parties and attend them.  However, I am never motivated to grade papers.  How do you change that motivation?  Can you?  I need to get this work done, report cards are due on Monday and I graded all day yesterday, and will grade all day today...but here I am procrastinating by writing this stupid blog message that has no apparent purpose except to keep me from having to grade the papers.  Well, enough is enough...I will get started!  It is my own fault I have all this grading!  I have put it off for weeks...My goal is to get everything graded and in the computer before Fred gets home...then get grades in tomorrow.  Have all day Sunday to relax!
 My quote for the weekend:)

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”

Zig Ziglar quotes (American motivational Speaker and Author. )

Am I boring you yet?

Well here it is a week and two days since surgery!  Went to the doctor yesterday, they were amazed at my weight loss in the last two weeks.  I was pretty impressed myself!  19 pounds!!! WoooHooo!  I plan to keep on going!  One of my incisions is not doing well at this time, it is spitting apart and oozing...not pretty!  It also hurts some too.  The doctor gave me until Monday to be off work to make sure the incisions has time to heal better.  Good thing because I needed the time to get all my papers graded! 

Our trimester ends on March 4th with report cards coming out on March 11th...why then are are grades due in by February 28th?  It is ridiculous!   Our trimesters keep getting shorter and shorter!  I really think that two days should be more then enough time to print report cards and send them out! 

So we went out yesterday to pick out a brides dress with Sara!  How fun was that??? It was AWESOME fun!  We had already made the appointment before the doctor told me to take it easy...so we went anyway.  All of the gowns looked gorgeous on Sara, but the one she picked is perfect for her...beautiful, yet simple, and elegant.  I also picked me up a black and white dress!  I know, I don't know what I will weigh in October, but I loved this dress and they only had a few and not able to get more!  I took a larger one and it can be downsized two sizes if needed.  If it doesn't fit I can return it for store credit and get a different one...this one is perfect though and I am planning on looking really nice in it for my daughters wedding! 

Well, are you bored with me yet?  I can understand...I am getting to the point that I am sick of hearing about me...How are all of you?  Give me some stories on how you are doing...has my story impacted you in any way, made you change something in your life, or just tell me something about you that I don't know...I just want to talk about someone else for awhile:) 

Ouch

So here it is Tuesday!  One week since I had my surgery.  Well, lets just say that I did way too much over the weekend!  I was in soooo much pain on Sunday night I thought I was going to have to go to the ER.  However, I made it through the night.  A lot of tossing and turning though.  I was really sore yesterday and my stomach has bruises all over it.  The largest of the incisions is bleeding a little.  I know it is my own fault...but it was worth all the fun I had over the weekend.  I am still really sore and tired today, but I was able to eat a  full breakfast of a carnation instant breakfast and a yogurt.   I have my doctors appointment tomorrow, but I am not going to push going back to work if they say no.  I have learned my limits!  I am going dress shopping with Sara and my mom tomorrow.  I am planning on sitting back and taking it easy the entire time, I can't wait to see my gorgeous daughter in wedding gowns!  I have been waiting for this day since the day she was born.  Yes, I am going to be selfish and think about me for awhile...whether anyone cares or not!

So lets talk about the good news!  I am down to 258!  I know that is still heavy, but I have lost 6 pounds since surgery and I am not feeling hungry! Yesterday was the first day that I really wanted to eat something bad for me!  However, at this point I am still on a full liquid diet and after the weekend...I will not chance that pain again!  Although I did not really cheat on my diet, at the roller derby they had nothing I could eat except ice cream.  I had some ice cream with a packet of protein added to it...it tasted really good, but did not agree with me!  or I ate too much, too fast, not sure...but two days of pain!  Never will happen again.

I was watching an old video last night of our family in Honduras...it was eye opening!  I was really heavy in that video, but I only weighed 190 at that time!  I can't believe I let myself get this out of control with my weight.  All I can say to those of you who are suffering like I was with the inability to lose weight, this may be for you!  It has made a world of difference in my life in the short amount of time I have had it done. 

I get my first "fill" tomorrow!  At this point my stomach is only restricted by the band itself and the swelling.  Tomorrow they add saline to the band to tighten the area between my little stomach (my nickname for my little stomach is Bitty) and the rest of the stomach.  It will make the food stay in Bitty a longer and thus feel full longer!  I am hoping to lose about 2 pounds a week.  When I start working out in 5 weeks I am hoping for more like 3-5 pounds a week. There will be peeks and plateaus, but at least I can't get depressed and eat everything in sight for days at a time!  I will get depressed and when I do, I know that I can count on my friends and family to slap me back into reality! 

What have I accomplished over the last week...I have been taking my vitamins everyday!  I have stayed on my diet and started eating breakfast everyday! I had a few days of depression last week, and cried a lot on Thursday and Friday.  Then I realized I was being stupid and picked myself up and pulled myself together!  Thank you to all my friends and family for pointing out I had a right to be angry, but I was also being childish!  Hit your problems head on and deal with them.  Once I did that it was done and I felt better. I am on my way to a healthier new me...mentally and physically:)