It is what it is!

Let me see, where do I begin?  I have been through a lot in the last few months.  I am at 100 pounds lost and feeling really good!  I have the saggy skin now and it bothers me more now.  I guess at first I was proud that I had lost all that weight and the hanging arms was a sign of success, now it is just a reminder of where I was.  I wish I was rich!  It is what it is! "It is what it is" happens to be my new motto.  Today I am going to focus my blog on Family, Friends, and Work and how through it all, "IT IS WHAT IT IS!"

Friendship is a very hard subject for me to discuss.  I really do not feel like I have very many "friends".  I have people that love me and support me, but I don't think I have many friends, outside of family, that really truly know me and understand me. It really is not their fault, it is mine.  I don't allow anyone inside because I have trust issues, if I can't trust you, I am not your friend.  Through my life I have let people in to my life, heart, and soul only to be reminded that when it comes right down to it, when you really, really need them, they let you down.  They get tired of your complaining, bragging, they stop listening or they do something stupid and they lose my trust. I have about three friends that I know are my best friends. I have had these friends for many years.  Not that I talk to them every day, but I know if I called them, they would be there for me!  I trust them to be there if I need them!  You know who you are:)  I also have friends that I love and I love to hang out with, but I don't let them in to the real me.  They know me as a coworker or a friend of a friend, or someone fun to hang out with, but they don't know the real me.  Best of all I am in the process of making new friends everyday!  The good news is that I think I am in the process of making a new friend.  I have one new person in my life that I think will be a best friend, I feel so comfortable with her and trust her with all my thoughts and secrets and she in return has let me into her life.  It is exciting to make new friends.  I am opening my self up more and more to accepting people in to my life.  With opening yourself up, sometimes you set yourself up for disappointments, it is what it is though.

Family is where it is at!  I look at my husband and wonder...why...why do you love me?  In the long run the answer to that question can never be answered to my satisfaction.  The fact is he does love me and that is all that matters.  My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me!  October 7th will be our 34th anniversary!!!!!! For a couple that were not suppose to last a year, we certainly have proved the statistics wrong.  How did we last this long?  Love, laughter, talking, arguing, making up, and just loving to be together!  I never put anything above my love for him, not kids, money, jobs, or anything.  I knew that someday the kids would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with my husband.  In order for us to survive I needed to make sure I still had his love when they left the nest or I wouldn't have anything...they have all flown the nest and we are still as in love today as we were 34 years ago, and in many ways more in love than ever!  In the last few months I have learned that my husband is more sensitive than I had ever thought in my life with him.  I am working harder than ever to be more empathetic to his sensitivity.  It is what it is and it is great! 

My children...what can I say?  I must have done something right in this area.  Sure I made some HUGE mistakes as a parent, I could have been more sympathetic to their needs when they were little, but they always knew how much I truly loved them.  They are all married to wonderful people, they are all wonderful parents, they all have excellent careers, and most of all they appreciate what I have done for them in their life of growing up.  When they call just to say "I love you"  That is truly the highlight of my life.  It lets me know that even with all the mistakes I have made, I must have done something right to have my children love me as much as they do.  I can't do everything for them and I can't make it all great for them, but I can be there for them when they need me!  It is what it is and I love them with all my heart!

I also have the best sister in the world!  I wish I could see her more often, but again, it is what it is:)  When we do see each other it is like we are 10 and 12 again and my jaws hurt from the laughter.  I could never have asked for a better sister in the world.  My other sister is more difficult.  I am trying hard to allow her back in my life, but it really difficult!  I feel I need her in my life, I am not sure if I can have her in my life.  It is a difficult situation and I need to deal with it, someday, not today.  But no matter what she is my sister and I do love her, just not sure if I like her.  Maybe the trust will come back, just not there yet.  It is what it is and I have learned to accept my trust limits.

My husbands family is my family!  I love them all and I know that if I ever needed anything they would all be there for me.  I am so glad I have all of them in my life!!!! Dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles!  They are are so special to me!  The best days of my memories are spending holidays and pool days with this extended family. They accept me for who I am.  In the last few months I have moved closer the the family and it has been great to get to know them better.  It is what it is and it is not perfect, but it is mine...my family

My mom is a whole post of its own!  Love her with all my heart and of all the people in the world she is by far my best friend!  She is the person that created me and made me who I am!  You should be proud mom, you did a great job.  At least I think you did;) In the last few months I have thought about life without my mom and then I realize I don't want to think about it!  It is to hard a concept to envision.  I love you and don't think I can live without you in my life.  It is what it is and you are the best mom in the world!

I have complained so much about work, I just want the world to know how lucky I am to be a teacher!  I love the students and I love being with them everyday.  I don't know what I would do without their smiles and laughter.  This year I went back from my summer with a new outlook on my teaching.  I am not there to make friends, I am there to make the lives of my students better, not the lives of my coworkers.  I am there to be a teacher and not make friends.  If people don't like me, it is okay...as long as you can work with me on a professional level, that is all that matters.  In the past 6 months I have been let down by so many coworkers that I thought were friends. It made me a negative person, and there is no room for negativity at work!  I learned that no one you work with is a friend, unless they support you in work and out of work.  I have many people at work that are friends, and I have many people at work that pretend to be my friend.  It is fine to pretend, but when it comes to my heart, don't break it!  If  I can't trust you to support me when we are in a meeting and you know I need the support you are not a friend, you are a coworker.  If you think you can do my job better, you are not a friend you are a coworker.  If you say, "yes" to taking something away from me without even thinking about how it would effect me and you are more concerned with  promoting your career  over our friendship than we are not friends.  That is fine, just don't pretend.  It is what it is, you made the choice, not me!  I can still work with you, I can still like you, but I just don't think I can ever trust you again, and trust is what a friendship is all about.  I learned that I cannot step over that line with many coworkers.  When you put your heart out there and you get nothing in return it hurts. It is really funny, but with some coworkers you think they are friends, but once they leave or you leave, they are gone from your life too.  That means they were never really a friend, they were  coworkers...I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...I do this all the time to people and didn't even realize I was doing it to them.  So many times I have stepped over the line and trusted a coworker to be a friend and when it came right down to it, they were just a coworker and not a friend...silly me!   Don't get me wrong, all of my coworkers reading this, I have MANY friends where I work and I trust you!  You know who you are, I tell you things I would never tell a coworker, I trust you!  Some of you were coworkers, now you are not and we are still friends, I trust you!  In the last year I have found that some, "friends" that I work with were not really friends, it is sad, but it is what it is, just don't trust them with your heart and secrets ever again. I am still open to making a coworker a friend, but it is really difficult to weed out the real friends over just a coworker. I may have trust issues in the future with all coworkers.  It is what it is and it is work, not a social club!

I tend to write a lot when I have nervous energy...Sara is due any minute and I am so anxious to meet baby Holly!  Tonight at 5pm will be the induction.   It is what it is and we will find out soon if it is a boy or a girl! 

It is what it is and it is great to be alive and loved by so many people, the ones that truly love me for me, the ones I trust, the ones that are in it for both of us...you know who you are!  Love you:) 

Looking to the Future

Wow! It has been 17 months since my surgery. In this time I have lost 95 pounds and went from a size 26 to a size 12. When I had 135 pounds to lose it felt hopeless. I cannot believe that I am this close to my goal! Like the doctor said, you have lost 95 pounds, but the reality is that you did not gain 25 or 30 more and be over 300 pounds now! It is so true...if I did not have the surgery I can guarantee that due to stress and nerves, I would have gained at least 25 or more pounds and would definitely be over 300 pounds now! It was not just a surgery, it was a life commitment to making myself better, inside an out! So how does it feel to be smaller? Well, I can give you a few highlights... * I can cross my legs * I fit comfortably in an airplane seat and don't use the entire length of the seat belt. * I am comfy in the car * I can sit on the floor and get back up * People do not stare at me in a restaurant * People talk to me * Not being embarrassed at picnics because I don't fit in the chairs * I can buy normal clothes * I have energy to do laundry * I have energy to do a lot of things * I have more self confidence * I have more self esteem * I cry a lot less and laugh a lot more * I do not focus my entire life on food * I can go on trips and enjoy the walks and sight seeing * When Fred hugs me he can wrap his arms all the way around me * So many more, I can't tell you all of them! Looking to the future I am looking forward to a wonderful year teaching! I have more energy than I ever have and this will help put that spirit back into my teaching. Looking to the future I am looking forward to making new friends and getting closer to my old friends. With my new confidence I am able to call people and talk to them like I was never able to do before. Over this summer I have made some very good friends (you know who you are). It feels good to have the confidence in myself to open up and allow people inside. In the future I know that I will be able to handle stress and lack of confidence more positively. It hurts to know that I may have lost one of my best friends this summer. It hurts so bad in my heart and I want to call and make it better, but in this case, I know that I did not do anything wrong. I won't allow my lack of self esteem or self confidence allow me to allow anyone to walk all over me. Anyway, it is what it is. My point is that when this happened I did not turn to food...I was actually able to talk to my husband (after a few days of holding it in), listen to his advice, and move on without turning to my comfort of food! A year and a half ago I would have held this inside because I would have been embarrassed and blaming myself. Then I would have turned to food and gained 5 to 10 pounds...not the new me! I am looking forward to learning how to deal with stress without eating...please have patience with me as I learn to do this, I am new at it! My future holds so many more possibilities for me. I am looking forward to an active, confident, and positive future! Goals for my future, continue to portion my food, eating protein 1st. Drink more water (I hate when my mouth swells and hurts because I am dehydrated). Take time to do some type of exercise three to four times a week. Stay confident and continue to work out stress in more productive ways than eating. Thanks to all of you for helping me and these last 40 pounds will be the hardest!

Restart

I need to restart! I need to set new goals, and get moving on them. I have need to lose this last 50 pounds! I need to get back to my healthy eating and exercising. The one healthy habit that I have gotten away from is not eating out. Sure it is easy and makes life more fun, but I cannot eat a healthy diet when I eat out! The one goal I am starting at this time is to only eat out 1 time a week. When I do eat out that one time a week, I will make sure to order health food! I will start this today and I will measure this goal in one month to make sure I have kept this promise to myself. I am sure that if I do this, I will be able to lose at least one more pound per week...so in one month I should be able to lose 10 pounds! Please send me some more ideas on how to get healthy, again! Anything from what I eat to ideas on exercising. I need your help! I need a pick me up!!!

Dragonflies

Some of you who know me well, will think that this is crazy, but it did happen! Dragonflies symbolize freedom, change, and good luck. When looking for an idea for my first tattoo I immediately wanted a dragonfly! My surgery was the change, the weight loss is my freedom, and I needed good luck for my new life. I am sharing this with you because this morning there were at least a thousand dragonflies in my side yard. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the most religious person in the world. Yes, I have my doubts in heaven and God, but I have faith that their is something that cannot be seen or explained. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason may not be clear to us, but if we wait long enough, the truth will show itself. This morning I think that changed in a way I can never explain, but I will try! As I was drinking coffee in my yard this morning. I looked over the field and I saw about a thousand dragonflies over the field! When I saw the dragonflies I thought... I need to send them off to help those that need help. My thoughts told me that not all the freedom would be good, it may be a freedom from a life of pain, it may be a release from physical pain, or emotional pain. It could be a change in the way one thinks or acts. If I send them off those that I am thinking about will either have freedom, a change, or good luck! I thought of all my friends and family that needed freedom, change or luck and I sent them off, faces and prayers came flooding into my head and then I sent them off. When I sent them off and I had all the faces and thoughts flood my head, the village came with their lawn mowers and the dragonflies took off! It was an amazing sight! I am hoping that these dragonflies will bring freedom or change or good luck to you! I know mine has for me!

Regrets and Non-Regrets

Finally! I am now under 200 pounds! I have 45 pounds to my goal weight!!!! What an experience. I cannot believe how much weight effects your life, from going up stairs to sleeping at night. The biggest difference in my life is that I have learned to love myself again, which is by far the hardest thing I have done through this journey. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, I love the reflection that looks back at me. I smile at myself! No, I am not being vain, I am being honest. I can actually go into a store and buy clothes that I like. My daughter told me I had to go to the more "mature" section. What she doesn't understand is that I have been in the "mature" section since I was 23 years old. I want to buy the "cool" clothes I wasn't able to buy when I was that age! I know that the clothes I wear are to young for me, but it feels GOOD! I will stop and go back to mature in a little while, but right now I need to be the young lady I could not be back then. It has been a lot of years since I have felt this good about myself. I know that when I look in the mirror, my reflection is far from perfect. It goes deeper than that, it is that I glow with life, this is something I have not seen for years. I see what all my friends see, but I never could. In the last year, I have learned to accept a compliment. This is really difficult when your entire life you have gotten compliments, and you know they are half-hearted. Now, when I hear that compliment, I can smile and say thank-you...because I actually believe it myself! At first the weight went off fast and I was so thrilled, then it was a slower process and I was frustrated. Now I look at it as, it is only a pound, but it is a pound lost, not a pound gained. It may take me another year to lose the last 45 pounds, but at least it is 45 pounds and not 130 pounds! If I had not had this surgery, I would be well over three hundred pounds today. I will NEVER regret that I did this surgery. Yes, there are times I watch someone eat a big bite of a brat, or a huge bite of a juicy burger and I WISH that I could do that again. Then I look in the mirror and I remember what I did this for, my health! It really is not that difficult to...eat slow, chew extra long, and limit my amount! Yes, if I eat too fast, or I don't chew, I throw up...don't feel sorry for me! I know better and yet I haven't learned. It is the one aspect of this surgery that sucks, but it is the price I pay for many years of abuse to my body. If you are not heavy and you are reading this...I weighed 120 pounds when I had my first son at 19, lost the weight in about 6 months, then had my second at 23, never lost that weight and gained some. Then had my 3rd at 25 and never looked back. It was as if it was a useless cause, lose 20 pounds to gain 25 back. I want to preach to you...DON'T let your weight get this out of control before you do something about it. This surgery has saved my life and I will never regret having the surgery, what I regret is that I got so out of control and I had to have the surgery in the first place.

Confusion!?

Well, here it is a year and three months since surgery day...I FINALLY know my limits on food! I can still enjoy all the flavors that I love, just a whole lot less! I know I can only eat a small amount and don't try to push it with that "one more bite". I started exercising by doing the C25K. The first day it went well, the next time, it was really difficult. Now I am afraid of failure so I haven't been back. I think that I get so afraid of failing that it is easier to just not try. However, I had a really long ride to my sister's house and then home and I did a lot of thinking. I need to do it and failure is not an option. Tomorrow I will be back on track to my 1st 5K. I am so excited for this summer with the new house and my new self. I think it is going to be the best one in years. I look forward to Niagara Falls, swimming at dad's house, and fixing up this house. I love that I am in such a good place. Now on the other end...physically I feel awesome and things are looking up for me. However, my psyche is not doing so well. I keep thinking that I should no longer teach. Since I am not allowed to write anything in here that could make my coworkers or students look bad, I will leave it at that. I love teaching, I love when that light goes on in their head and they get it...I love laughing with my students and I love being there for them when they need me. What I don't like is when parents and staff members judge me and want me to be who I am not. When they think it is so easy and they haven't got a clue. I hate when people don't understand me and they don't try to understand me. I REALLY hate when I am judged and the judgement is unfair. I only want everyone to be happy and if that is a crime, fire me and quit dragging me through the mud all the time! I really have lost all my self-esteem this year and it hurts to the core of my being! I did not know that teaching was so full of politics...I thought that the union was there to back teachers and not the administration. I am really, really sad that I hate to go to work! The only time I am happy is when I am teaching my students and they are having fun...with our crappy curriculum I barely ever get to teach and have fun. I am forced to test students,do interventions, and teach to the lowest 35% of the students in my class and the other students feel cheated. I get it, I hate it too. I tried to switch positions and to find a place where I would be happy, but that was pulled out from under me too through political bull-crap! So what do I do? How do I get my self esteem back, am I that bad of a teacher? Do I believe what people say? I am so sad...is it worth the pain to continue doing what I love? I have tried to stay out of the politics, but you just can't...it finds you! Well, life is so confusing...am I a good person, or bad...am I a good teacher, or bad...am I a good coworker, or bad, am I a good friend, or bad...am I a good mom, or bad? Confused and right now I am not liking myself at all...but hey I look better...or do I?

Want to Figure it Out!

I have had so much success...I am now a size 12, yet, I still have the mind of a 300 pound woman. I went to dinner tonight and ordered three hard tacos. My mind is still bigger than tummy! Anyway, I eat two and I take a bite of the the third. Rushing to the bathroom I get rid of one taco. When will my mind catch up to my stomach? I know I can't eat that much and yet I continue to eat it. I am so tired of my mind taking over my hunger controls. I just want to remember, this is all I can eat and screw you mind! I need a psychiatrist! LOL!!! I just need to remember that I cannot eat what I want when I want anymore:)

So long since I wrote in here...SARA IS HAVING A BABY! I am so excited!!!! She is due in September and I am just waiting for the day to get here. She is going to be a great mom!!

Work is work...I feel all the frustration of the district and it feels like it is all on my shoulders. I wish I could do something to make it better for all...but I can't. So I go to work and do what I do best and teach...