You Have to Fall in a Deep Hole to Learn How to Crawl Out

A lot can happen in 10 months!  I have learned so much about myself and if I want to continue my journey to a healthy life, I need to continue to find out who I am.  I started this journey in February of 2011.    In this blog, I will take you through my journey of heaven and hell and through this blog I am hoping to complete some of my healing and telling my story may help someone else seek help when they need it, whether they want to admit it or not!

First, I will take you back to April 19, 1983...the day my beautiful baby boy was born. I wanted to call him Christopher Robin because I thought he was the happiest, most loving, funny, yet smartest character I had ever met.  Fred said no, so we named him Christopher David..he did turn out to be all that and more...but I digress...the point is that Christopher had to endure two of my addictions before he even had had lungs.  I was addicted to a nicotine.  I vowed the day I found out I was pregnant I would not quit smoking, because when I did with my pregnancy with Jason, I gained too much weight.  YES! I was young and stupid and very, very, selfish.  On April 19, 1983 I had to have an emergency c-section due to fetal distress.  To make a long story short, the first cigarette I smoked after surgery made me cough and having abdominal surgery it quite frankly HURT like hell!  Getting home, not driving, having a non-smoking husband and by the end of six weeks I decided it was time to quit smoking.  What I didn't understand was I had an addiction and not a habit.  An addiction is evil and had a way of making my brain believe I needed this to make me happy.  Without nicotine...my brain wasn't happy and it turned to another addition.

Now, I will take you back to February 15, 2011...the day of lap-band surgery.  This was a time of hope, fear, and death.  The hope of a new healthy life, the fear of failure and the death another addiction.  After I quit smoking I turned my smoking addiction into a food addiction...before I became pregnant with my third child in 1985, I had not lost one pound of weight I had gained from 1983 and had put on another 50 pounds.  Pregnant again I gained more weight, never to lose those pounds.  By the time I was 50 I was a hefty 280 pounds.  By the end of that summer I hit 296 pounds and was continuing to eat.  I had become addicted to food.  I would hide my eating, I would eat entire bags of chips and dip, I would eat and eat and eat.  Before surgery I took classes to learn about food addiction and how it can turn to other addictions, but I chose not to believe them again.  Surgery was my only hope at this time!  I was addicted to food, I just gained weight because of my body.  I had dieted and lost only to gain it back and another 25 pounds on top of what I had lost.  YoYo dieting was a losing battled.  I had the surgery and began to lose weight, but not realizing that I hated the fact I couldn't eat.  Again, not coming to the realization that food was an addiction and not just a habit.  I lied to my family, my friends, myself about my eating habits!  I REALLY wanted to eat and I couldn't and I hated that I had the surgery because it took away the one thing I could always rely on to make me happy.

Now, I will take you to December 16, 2014.  This was by far the best and worst month of my life!  I know, I know, I have said this before and I will probably say it again, but for this 54 year 11 months and 7 day year old woman, December was when I fell in the deepest hole I have ever been in. I cannot tell you everything that happened in these months, weeks, days, hours, but I can tell you that I fell in a hole so deep and so painful that I not only dig myself out, I didn't want to dig myself out, I wanted to cover myself up with the dirt and forget that I ever existed.  I got to a point that I felt that I didn't feel I belonged in this world and that I all my family, friends, and the world would be a better place without me in it.  I sat down with a bottle of pills and a glass of wine and thought about taking one pill at a time, as my thoughts started clearing, I took the pills to bed with me and laid next to Fred and thought about how much I loved him, my kids, my grandkids, my mom, his family, my friends, it all came flooding back...even if only long enough to get me through the night.  When we woke up, I confided in Fred my feelings.  I hate myself, I am a selfish brat, I shouldn't be a teacher the students and parents hate me, I should not be here wasting space and the air everyone else should be breathing.  I want to die.

To make a long story short, I was turning my next addiction into alcohol because I have an addictive brain.  I am depressed, and I have severe anxiety, when I feel down I need something to get me up again.  These are my addictions...smoking was replaced with food, food was replaced with wine, and I was spiraling out of control.  I am an addict, not an alcoholic, but an addict. I had not become a raging alcoholic, I was still the open and honest drinker, but...over the past 10 months I started making up excuses to drink...it helps me eat, it is the only thing I can drink when I eat...then I wanted to go out to dinner and lunch all the time to give me a reason to drink wine.  I started wanted to stay at the restaurant and have...just one more glass...no longer just drinking on the weekend, now on weekdays.  Coming home and having a glass of wine because of the stressful day (some how every day was stressful.  Then I was going to work with hangovers, weekends I started drinking until I went to bed not knowing what I did the last few hours.  I guess I was what they call a "functioning alcoholic", never drinking at work, not hiding my habit, only drinking enough during the week that felt good about myself, but I could still wake up and get to work and then bring on the weekend.

It came to head in December through a series of events.  I am not blaming the events, they just added to my self loathing and my additive brain needed to drink to feel good.  I ended up in the hospital, then in an intensive therapy program. Through intensive therapy and counseling over the last six weeks I have been able to stay alcohol and tobacco free.  I have started going back to my healthy eating habits (I need to work on this a lot more!). I am now working on my self loathing, depression, anxiety, and addictive brain.  I feel good and I feel like I am gaining ground on understanding myself and how I am an addict.  I never realized that addition is a disease of the brain.  There are actual reasons that some people are addicts and others never become addicts.  An addict will trade one addiction for another because of the way our brains work.  I am an addict!  First of tobacco, then of food, now of alcohol. 

Do I think I will be able to drink again.  I hope so, I would love to have a glass of wine with dinner, and not need to drink to give myself a boost of endorphins that make me feel good.  At this point, it would be really stupid of me to try a drink of wine.  I need to heal first.  I hope that I can find a way to love myself and get those endorphins going on their own.  Most addicts also suffer from depression, anxiety, and mood disorders.  It has to do with the lymbic system and the misfiring of dopamine, and lots of other medical brain things. At times I have lucid moments when I know that I am not a horrible person, that I do deserve to be in this world.  It will be a long haul because I really hated myself.  It won't happen over night and I will have good hours and bad hours.  I will have good days and bad days.  I will have good weeks and bad weeks. I do know that in the future I will be able to love myself.  In in the past week I have had some moments of liking myself again.  I am legitimately smiling and laughing again and I am not lying and putting on a great show.     

I won't bore you anymore with my self pitying, that is not why I am writing this.  I am writing this let you know that even when you are at your lowest; even when the world looks like a better place without you, even when it seems like your family and friends would be better off without you, even when it hurts to breath, you are just feeling what your evil brain wants you to feel.  Find someone that loves you and hold on to them until you can breath again and then be honest with them and yourself.  Get the help you need.  I am not saying that I don't have those moments of feeling like I don't belong here, but at least now I can talk to people that understand my disease and they help me back to reality. 

I am Who I am, it is What it is, and I Love Me

Wow the last two week has been full of lows and highs. I will start with the low and move to the highs.

The Friday before spring break I found out that I would not have a position in my current school district.  After 12 years of service I have been released due to a "Reduction in Forces".  You may think that this is impossible, but it is not.  Under the new current evaluation system; that is forced on school districts by the state, you are let go based on the best 2 of you last 3 evaluations.  Also, under the new evaluation system you can get a 1 - 4 as a rating.  A 4 is the best.  We were all told that you had to be a "Michael Phelps" (gold medal winner) in order to get a 4 under the new system.  When I had my evaluation in 2011/12, it was under the old system and I had a satisfactory which is considered a 3 under the new system.  As a tenured teacher you are only suppose to get an evaluation every two years.  Well, I had an argument with my evaluator just before my final evaluation (which is suppose to be objective...yeah right, and she decided that I would need another evaluation the following year under the new evaluation system.

To make a long story short, I am a good teacher!  I love teaching and I spend hours planning, grading, and communicating to help my students become educated young adults.  However, I do not put myself on a pedestal and I don't consider myself a "Michael Phelps" so I thought that a 3 was a great evaluation.  However, because I had to be evaluated again and not on my regular 2 year cycle I had 2 ratings of 3 and one under the old as excellent or a 4.  All other tenured teachers had 1 rating of a 3 and two of excellent.  This put me on the category 3 list and I was let go.  In addition, the administration in our building took the rating system seriously and did not give many 4's, but other admins in other buildings didn't take it as seriously.


Needless to say, I am beating myself up left and right over this situation.  I keep thinking that people are happy I am gone.  I saw a PTO person in the school library and she didn't even say hi to me.  I feel like the red headed step child of the district.  I know I am the first one on the call back list, but if they call me back do I want to work there?  I would love to tell them to shove it, but I love teaching and I love my students.  If I get the call and I don't have another job, yes, I will go back.  However, I will  continue to look for a place that appreciates me. 

The saddest part of the entire situation is that I felt as if I deserved to get canned.  I have such a poor self concept that I think I actually deserved it.  Then I look at who is still there and I think...yeah, I am not perfect and I have many faults, but I am NOT a bad teacher.  There are many more that are though.  The new evaluation system, that is suppose to get rid of bad teachers, it is not working!  It is still subjective and if you are liked, you are in, whether you can teach or not.  If you are not liked (or overly opinionated) you are out even if you are great. As everyone knows, that knows me at all, I can't keep my mouth shut when I think things are unfair or unjust, or if I feel it is wrong.  I don't intend on being the quiet mouse either.

Now for the good!  Fred and I took a trip to Phoenix last week.  It was so beautiful!  I would move there in a heart beat if I could.  Seeing Adam, Nadia, Cera, and Nora was so much fun.  It was especially nice to get to know Nadia.  She is a bright, beautiful, young woman.  She has experienced much in her life and has taken those experiences to become who she is today.  She is a wonderful mother and wife.  I am so glad that Adam was able to find his soul mate.  They are truly perfect for each other.  I am grateful and honored that they think of us as family. I am auntie and Fred is papa to Cera, I am mama to Nadia, and I am ma to Adam. 

Being there with them after the news of my job was perfect.  I realized that no matter what others think of me, or how they have judged me, I know that I have touched many lives and in some way made them better.  I have helped many young people find their potential.  This makes me one proud Mother and Grandmother with at least 4 sons, 4 daughters, 3 grandsons and 1 on the way, 4 granddaughters. 

In Phoenix I was able to do so many things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't lost weight.  I was able to go on a hike up Superstition Mountain, I couldn't make it to the top, but I went most of the way...before I wouldn't even have tried.  I was able to get on a horse and ride it for 3 hours!  It felt amazing!  I had energy that I can't remember ever having.  It was an exciting time and I was glad I was able to be there with the love of my life Fred!  He is the most supportive, loving man in the world.  I am grateful that he has supported me all the way through this journey of weight loss.


In a few weeks I will be going on a journey to Omaha, Nebraska to experience the birth of my next grandson and spend time with my granddaughter.  I am again so grateful that my son and his wife want me to be there at this special time.  This is what life is all about, not impressing those who don't know you, but to be there for those who do love you and appreciate you.  I miss them not being close, but I am so proud of them to take this step and move away.  It was a difficult decision and they are doing what is best for their family.  I am glad that it is only 7 hours away and not farther! 

I am lucky that I get to see Sara and Barrett a few times a week. I wish I could see Bryan more, but he is working hard for his family.  I am so lucky to have a loving relationship with my daughter and we like to spend time together.  We don't always have to talk, we can just be together and it is good.  We can laugh together and she gets me and I get her.  We just fit.  It is great!

I am also lucky that I can spend time with my son Jason and his family.  He has grown into such a wonderful man and he has such a beautiful family.  Again, I am glad that we have such a great relationship.  When we get together we laugh!  He is so funny and I love when he makes me laugh.  I feel like I am me when he is around, I am not sure what that means, but that is how I feel. 

All in all, I know that people who do not know me well, they judge me, they may even think I am not a good teacher, they may think I deserve to lose my job, but I know better.  I know that I had a child at 19, I have had many trials through my life.  I am not perfect, I am far from it, but every night when I go to bed, I think...I am who I am, it is what it is, and I love me, I love my family, I love my true friends, and I love my life!  I know that I have family and friends that love me back for a reason...because I am a good person.  Can all of parents, teachers and administrators that judge me say the same thing?  Maybe they are just jealous;)

ugh

So here it is March 2014...what can I say? If I had a couple thousand followers I could ask all of you to send me a few dollars to help pay for plastic surgery, but yeah, that won't work😉 I keep losing and the skin hanging gets worse. I am not complaining because I feel amazing, but I don't know which is worse looking... being fat or hanging skin. At least when I am dressed I look marvelous😎

It is never easy

Well here it is middle of January.  I had my fill on Tuesday of last week.  For  you newbies, a fill is when the put saline in the band to make it a little tighter.  This makes me eat less and feel fuller longer.  Anyway, the first few days after the fill was fine, but the last few days it has been bad.  Took some antacid this morning and it seems to be helping.  All I can say is there is NO easy way to lose weight.  What it feels like is pressure, like you are going to throw up constantly.  I hope it is better this afternoon to have lunch with some of my amazing friends!

I have not exercised this week, mostly because I have not been able to eat and drink water, but mostly out of lack of motivation.  I will get back on track this week.  My goal this week will be to go at least four times.  I REALLY hate exercising!  Anyone have ideas on how to make it more fun?  I have tried music, TV, reading, and just thinking...ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds this week...bad news is this is not a good way to do it! 

I am a huge fan of General Hospital...Alexis from the show is having a girls weekend in Las Vegas and you can have dinner with her or breakfast...I think it would be so fun, but lack of funding keeps me from doing it...oh well.

Stick with your goals and see you soon! 

Learning is not just for students anymore

I have taken advantage of the extra days for winter break and purchased a few (4) common core books.  I feel the need to explore the subject and learn on my own what this is all about.  I have learned most of what I know through our curriculum director and his associate who shall remain unnamed but she works for the ROE - or that is what I was led to believe.  What have I learned in the 110 pages I have read...

1) CCSS are not as bad as I believed.  They do have a purpose and make sense if you read about them from experts.
2) CCSS is not a curriculum and should be used to help the district create a curriculum not just an assessment.
3) There are many teachers that have no idea how to read the standards and are teaching what they believe the standards are, but not what the students actually need. 
4)  What our district needs to do is to create a curriculum that focuses on common core in all content areas, not just reading and language classes.
5) We are teaching to an assessment that has no merit (the district assessment).
3) PLC time should be used to create a curriculum that meets the needs of the CCSS so that we are all teaching the same ideas and concepts.  I find that each 7th grade teacher just goes off and teaches what they want and we are not all teaching the same ideas.  I am sure it is the same for all grade levels.  We need to have common formative (classroom observations and daily assessments)  and summative assessments (end of unit, end of learning) so that we can compare all students in a grade level and not just by teams. Not just on test at the end of midterm.
4) We need NEW resources to help us implement the CCSS such as is indicated in the Appendices of the CCSS
5) Take PLC and team time to explore resources to help us become more uniformed in our teaching.
6) Although the CCSS does not talk about teaching the comprehension strategies after 5th grade, it is necessary to teach these in order for a student to be able to "read closely".
7) When students graduate high school the chances of them having to understand fiction at a job or in college is less likely than having to understand how to read non-fiction text, evaluate the text, determine if it is credible or not credible, and how to use the text to guide their understanding of their job or their research.
8) Many more new things!

How has this affected me and my teaching?  I really wish there were a time machine to take me back to the beginning of the year and re-teach everything.  I will be spending the remainder of this day planning a new unit that I will start next week.  I learned that although I can't go back in time, I certainly can fix it for the remainder of the year.  I am excited about learning more about the CCSS and how to implement them correctly in my classroom.  I wish the district would have had us read and learn more about the CCSS before we started creating the new district assessments. 

How does this relate to my weight loss?  Learning is the key to any successful journey.  My dendrites and synopses are on overload and exercise is the only way to calm them down:)  I will be taking my tablet to the gym and while I am on the treadmill or exercise bike I will re-read the 110 pages and start annotating on how to implement these ideas into my classroom...can't wait for the new me mentally and physically:)

New Beginnings

Well it has been almost three years now and I have 1 been stuck at 185-190 now for almost 8 months.  I am not happy that I can't loose these last 30 pounds...so here is my plan:

1) Join a gym - Done today
2) Go to gym at least 5 times a week.  3 days of cardio and 2 of strength - Cardio done today - bike for 30 minutes at maximum heart rate for 25 minutes. Swim for 20 minutes doing laps
3) Walk more at work
4) Get a fill asap
5) Alcohol only once a week
6) Drink 24 ounces of water a day (at least)
7) Bring a healthy lunch to work daily
8) Back on track with my protein
9) Plan and Cook meals at home no more eating out
10) Update my Blog at least once a week

On the upside I love the new improved me.  I love the freedom I have to move around.  It is those little things that I can do that amaze me the most...sitting on the floor and getting up...running upstairs, playing with the grandkids...

 

 

Anyway, I am back and going strong.  Please help support me by asking me daily - how are your work outs going?  What did you make for dinner last night? Are you getting in all your water? 
What did you make for lunch today.  Love you all!  I couldn't be where I am today without all of your support!!!!

Would I make the same choice again?

2 years ago on August 15, 2010, I was 285+ pounds.  I began a 3 month weight loss program that the insurance company made me do to PROVE that I could lose weight.  I finished the program on this date in 2010 and weighed in at 274 pounds.  I proved I could lose weight.  Over the next two months I went to the Bahamas and stayed at an all inclusive resort.  Needless to say, I gained that weight back.  Finally on February 15th 2010 I was "allowed" to get the surgery I desperately needed to save my life! 

I am down to 185! I have been stuck here for a few months now, but it is not bothering me. I just remember the words my wise doctor told me once when I hadn't reach a goal, "Don't be mad at yourself.  You took the biggest step in your life by having this surgery.  If you hadn't of taken this step, instead of losing 42 pounds you would be well over 300 pounds by now and on your death bed."  Wow, what a wise man!  I know I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I also know that I will be able to do it!  Most importantly though is that I know I will be able to maintain that goal for the remainder of my life.  Yes, I have not lost weight in a month but I have not gained any back either.  I guess I might be happy if I stay this weight for the remainder of my life:)

Some might say, I took the easy way out with the surgery.  No, I can't say I agree with this.  It has been a slow process.  It has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been stressful, but it has taught me more about myself then I could ever have known before the challenge.  During this process, I have gained some friends and lost some too.  I was weak at times and let my pain and frustration come out and those who didn't understand, they left me.  Those that were my true friends stayed and supported me.  My one supporter that made the most impact when I saw that she was following me, passed away.  Yes, it has been a difficult journey over the past two year, but in the end it has been worth it.

To those of you who are thinking of doing this surgery, do it!  However, you have to know that the journey is long and not easy.  You will lose friends, and you will gain new ones.  You will get back your smile and your bounce.  Your skin will sag where you don't want it to sag, and surgery may be out of reach for you, but you look amazing in your size 12 pants (soon to be size 10). 

An example of friends that care:

I went on a girls night out last year.  We went to the Safe House in Milwaukee for dinner.  I did not know the password and had to make an idiot of myself in front of the entire bar.  I was so humiliated because I had such a poor self image at that time.  I had already lost weight, but all I saw was a fat girl with skin hanging everywhere.  Then anxiety ridden, frustrated and stressed I ate to much and it was so painful.  Walking back to the hotel I was so afraid I would puke in front of my friends I walked far away from them.  I think they thought I was mad at them. At that point, I was not able to admit that I was in pain.  I kept wanting to go into a bar, just so I could throw up and they just kept on walking.  Until I was able to empty my bitty belly I would be in so much pain.  Once back at the hotel, I was able to eliminate my over indulgence and enjoy the rest of the night.  I look back and I can see how my friends might have thought I was a bit psycho.  However, they never said a word, and continue to be my friends. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not psycho, just in pain. Lesson learned...do not over eat due to stress. Lesson learned, true friends understand when you go psycho, even if they don't know why:)

I am perfectly fine as long as I don't over indulge, eat to fast, or stress out too much.  Everyone has some pain when losing weight, it is not that much, most of the time.  You learn what to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat, and to chew, chew, and then chew more.  It has taken me over a year to learn this and I have had help from some VERY loving, caring, friends and family. 

Point being, I have lost 100 pounds (a whole person), I am off blood pressure medicine, off cholesterol medicine, I have more energy then I have had in about 30 years, I feel younger and I am a much happier, healthier person.  Has the pain been worth it?  YES!  Would I do it again, YES!  In a heart beat, especially when I see that look in Fred's eyes when he looks at me, and the feeling in his arms when he hugs me, and the laughs we have with my new found energy...it has all been worth it.  No sadness for lost friends, much happiness for new friends, thankful for all my oldest and dearest friends.  I am looking forward to the next challenge that comes my way:)

Your Still the One!

34 years ago I said I do and all the odds were against us making it two years as a married couple.  We had nothing, I was pregnant, no jobs, and very young.  Like the song says:

"You're Still The One"

(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after
all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

 YOUR STILL THE ONE! 

Wow, a song has never meant more to me than this one! 

The journey started 36 years ago at a Holiday Inn in Gurnee.  It was there that I first met my future best friend and husband, Fred.  The moment I set eyes on him, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with more than anything.  It took him a little longer to realize it though.  It was in March of 1978 he finally asked me on a date.  I said "no"...it is better to make them want you!  That night I was so upset with myself.  What if he never asked me out again? 

The next weekend I was at my friend Sue's house and he called and asked me out again.  Of course I said yes this time.  Since that first date we have not been separated for more than a week or two.   We are soul mates.

When I discovered I was 18 and pregnant I was scared of my future.  Would Fred turn and run from responsibility? He did have plans of college and a future in carpentry.  Once I admitted to him, I was pregnant, he was overjoyed and as scared as I was.  We made plans for a wedding.  Everyone was trying to get me to make other choices, but I chose Fred and he chose me!

We have a lucky life with our children.  We made mistakes because we were young and naive, but we must have done something right, because our children love and respect us.  Now we are to the best part of our lives with an empty nest (since Jason was born 5 months from our wedding date, we didn't get to know each other very well before children).  We are learning to be just the two of us and how much we really do belong together.  We also have the joy of being grandparents and be young enough to enjoy them.  They range in age from newborn to Freshman in high school. The journey continues everyday.

We have had our good times and bad times in our 34 years of marriage, but definitely more good than bad!  We grew up together, we have laughed and cried together, we have been dirt poor and we have been at the top, we have planned our futures together, supported each other when those plans changed, we have made all our decisions together from what to have for dinner, to buying a new home.  He has loved me through all of my drama and through thick and thin (literally and figuratively).  He is my lover, psychiatrist, doctor, and most of all he has always been and will always be my best friend! 

LOVE YOU BABY!  You are my rock, my hero, my husband:) 

It is what it is!

Let me see, where do I begin?  I have been through a lot in the last few months.  I am at 100 pounds lost and feeling really good!  I have the saggy skin now and it bothers me more now.  I guess at first I was proud that I had lost all that weight and the hanging arms was a sign of success, now it is just a reminder of where I was.  I wish I was rich!  It is what it is! "It is what it is" happens to be my new motto.  Today I am going to focus my blog on Family, Friends, and Work and how through it all, "IT IS WHAT IT IS!"

Friendship is a very hard subject for me to discuss.  I really do not feel like I have very many "friends".  I have people that love me and support me, but I don't think I have many friends, outside of family, that really truly know me and understand me. It really is not their fault, it is mine.  I don't allow anyone inside because I have trust issues, if I can't trust you, I am not your friend.  Through my life I have let people in to my life, heart, and soul only to be reminded that when it comes right down to it, when you really, really need them, they let you down.  They get tired of your complaining, bragging, they stop listening or they do something stupid and they lose my trust. I have about three friends that I know are my best friends. I have had these friends for many years.  Not that I talk to them every day, but I know if I called them, they would be there for me!  I trust them to be there if I need them!  You know who you are:)  I also have friends that I love and I love to hang out with, but I don't let them in to the real me.  They know me as a coworker or a friend of a friend, or someone fun to hang out with, but they don't know the real me.  Best of all I am in the process of making new friends everyday!  The good news is that I think I am in the process of making a new friend.  I have one new person in my life that I think will be a best friend, I feel so comfortable with her and trust her with all my thoughts and secrets and she in return has let me into her life.  It is exciting to make new friends.  I am opening my self up more and more to accepting people in to my life.  With opening yourself up, sometimes you set yourself up for disappointments, it is what it is though.

Family is where it is at!  I look at my husband and wonder...why...why do you love me?  In the long run the answer to that question can never be answered to my satisfaction.  The fact is he does love me and that is all that matters.  My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me!  October 7th will be our 34th anniversary!!!!!! For a couple that were not suppose to last a year, we certainly have proved the statistics wrong.  How did we last this long?  Love, laughter, talking, arguing, making up, and just loving to be together!  I never put anything above my love for him, not kids, money, jobs, or anything.  I knew that someday the kids would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with my husband.  In order for us to survive I needed to make sure I still had his love when they left the nest or I wouldn't have anything...they have all flown the nest and we are still as in love today as we were 34 years ago, and in many ways more in love than ever!  In the last few months I have learned that my husband is more sensitive than I had ever thought in my life with him.  I am working harder than ever to be more empathetic to his sensitivity.  It is what it is and it is great! 

My children...what can I say?  I must have done something right in this area.  Sure I made some HUGE mistakes as a parent, I could have been more sympathetic to their needs when they were little, but they always knew how much I truly loved them.  They are all married to wonderful people, they are all wonderful parents, they all have excellent careers, and most of all they appreciate what I have done for them in their life of growing up.  When they call just to say "I love you"  That is truly the highlight of my life.  It lets me know that even with all the mistakes I have made, I must have done something right to have my children love me as much as they do.  I can't do everything for them and I can't make it all great for them, but I can be there for them when they need me!  It is what it is and I love them with all my heart!

I also have the best sister in the world!  I wish I could see her more often, but again, it is what it is:)  When we do see each other it is like we are 10 and 12 again and my jaws hurt from the laughter.  I could never have asked for a better sister in the world.  My other sister is more difficult.  I am trying hard to allow her back in my life, but it really difficult!  I feel I need her in my life, I am not sure if I can have her in my life.  It is a difficult situation and I need to deal with it, someday, not today.  But no matter what she is my sister and I do love her, just not sure if I like her.  Maybe the trust will come back, just not there yet.  It is what it is and I have learned to accept my trust limits.

My husbands family is my family!  I love them all and I know that if I ever needed anything they would all be there for me.  I am so glad I have all of them in my life!!!! Dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles!  They are are so special to me!  The best days of my memories are spending holidays and pool days with this extended family. They accept me for who I am.  In the last few months I have moved closer the the family and it has been great to get to know them better.  It is what it is and it is not perfect, but it is mine...my family

My mom is a whole post of its own!  Love her with all my heart and of all the people in the world she is by far my best friend!  She is the person that created me and made me who I am!  You should be proud mom, you did a great job.  At least I think you did;) In the last few months I have thought about life without my mom and then I realize I don't want to think about it!  It is to hard a concept to envision.  I love you and don't think I can live without you in my life.  It is what it is and you are the best mom in the world!

I have complained so much about work, I just want the world to know how lucky I am to be a teacher!  I love the students and I love being with them everyday.  I don't know what I would do without their smiles and laughter.  This year I went back from my summer with a new outlook on my teaching.  I am not there to make friends, I am there to make the lives of my students better, not the lives of my coworkers.  I am there to be a teacher and not make friends.  If people don't like me, it is okay...as long as you can work with me on a professional level, that is all that matters.  In the past 6 months I have been let down by so many coworkers that I thought were friends. It made me a negative person, and there is no room for negativity at work!  I learned that no one you work with is a friend, unless they support you in work and out of work.  I have many people at work that are friends, and I have many people at work that pretend to be my friend.  It is fine to pretend, but when it comes to my heart, don't break it!  If  I can't trust you to support me when we are in a meeting and you know I need the support you are not a friend, you are a coworker.  If you think you can do my job better, you are not a friend you are a coworker.  If you say, "yes" to taking something away from me without even thinking about how it would effect me and you are more concerned with  promoting your career  over our friendship than we are not friends.  That is fine, just don't pretend.  It is what it is, you made the choice, not me!  I can still work with you, I can still like you, but I just don't think I can ever trust you again, and trust is what a friendship is all about.  I learned that I cannot step over that line with many coworkers.  When you put your heart out there and you get nothing in return it hurts. It is really funny, but with some coworkers you think they are friends, but once they leave or you leave, they are gone from your life too.  That means they were never really a friend, they were  coworkers...I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...I do this all the time to people and didn't even realize I was doing it to them.  So many times I have stepped over the line and trusted a coworker to be a friend and when it came right down to it, they were just a coworker and not a friend...silly me!   Don't get me wrong, all of my coworkers reading this, I have MANY friends where I work and I trust you!  You know who you are, I tell you things I would never tell a coworker, I trust you!  Some of you were coworkers, now you are not and we are still friends, I trust you!  In the last year I have found that some, "friends" that I work with were not really friends, it is sad, but it is what it is, just don't trust them with your heart and secrets ever again. I am still open to making a coworker a friend, but it is really difficult to weed out the real friends over just a coworker. I may have trust issues in the future with all coworkers.  It is what it is and it is work, not a social club!

I tend to write a lot when I have nervous energy...Sara is due any minute and I am so anxious to meet baby Holly!  Tonight at 5pm will be the induction.   It is what it is and we will find out soon if it is a boy or a girl! 

It is what it is and it is great to be alive and loved by so many people, the ones that truly love me for me, the ones I trust, the ones that are in it for both of us...you know who you are!  Love you:) 

Looking to the Future

Wow! It has been 17 months since my surgery. In this time I have lost 95 pounds and went from a size 26 to a size 12. When I had 135 pounds to lose it felt hopeless. I cannot believe that I am this close to my goal! Like the doctor said, you have lost 95 pounds, but the reality is that you did not gain 25 or 30 more and be over 300 pounds now! It is so true...if I did not have the surgery I can guarantee that due to stress and nerves, I would have gained at least 25 or more pounds and would definitely be over 300 pounds now! It was not just a surgery, it was a life commitment to making myself better, inside an out! So how does it feel to be smaller? Well, I can give you a few highlights... * I can cross my legs * I fit comfortably in an airplane seat and don't use the entire length of the seat belt. * I am comfy in the car * I can sit on the floor and get back up * People do not stare at me in a restaurant * People talk to me * Not being embarrassed at picnics because I don't fit in the chairs * I can buy normal clothes * I have energy to do laundry * I have energy to do a lot of things * I have more self confidence * I have more self esteem * I cry a lot less and laugh a lot more * I do not focus my entire life on food * I can go on trips and enjoy the walks and sight seeing * When Fred hugs me he can wrap his arms all the way around me * So many more, I can't tell you all of them! Looking to the future I am looking forward to a wonderful year teaching! I have more energy than I ever have and this will help put that spirit back into my teaching. Looking to the future I am looking forward to making new friends and getting closer to my old friends. With my new confidence I am able to call people and talk to them like I was never able to do before. Over this summer I have made some very good friends (you know who you are). It feels good to have the confidence in myself to open up and allow people inside. In the future I know that I will be able to handle stress and lack of confidence more positively. It hurts to know that I may have lost one of my best friends this summer. It hurts so bad in my heart and I want to call and make it better, but in this case, I know that I did not do anything wrong. I won't allow my lack of self esteem or self confidence allow me to allow anyone to walk all over me. Anyway, it is what it is. My point is that when this happened I did not turn to food...I was actually able to talk to my husband (after a few days of holding it in), listen to his advice, and move on without turning to my comfort of food! A year and a half ago I would have held this inside because I would have been embarrassed and blaming myself. Then I would have turned to food and gained 5 to 10 pounds...not the new me! I am looking forward to learning how to deal with stress without eating...please have patience with me as I learn to do this, I am new at it! My future holds so many more possibilities for me. I am looking forward to an active, confident, and positive future! Goals for my future, continue to portion my food, eating protein 1st. Drink more water (I hate when my mouth swells and hurts because I am dehydrated). Take time to do some type of exercise three to four times a week. Stay confident and continue to work out stress in more productive ways than eating. Thanks to all of you for helping me and these last 40 pounds will be the hardest!

Restart

I need to restart! I need to set new goals, and get moving on them. I have need to lose this last 50 pounds! I need to get back to my healthy eating and exercising. The one healthy habit that I have gotten away from is not eating out. Sure it is easy and makes life more fun, but I cannot eat a healthy diet when I eat out! The one goal I am starting at this time is to only eat out 1 time a week. When I do eat out that one time a week, I will make sure to order health food! I will start this today and I will measure this goal in one month to make sure I have kept this promise to myself. I am sure that if I do this, I will be able to lose at least one more pound per week...so in one month I should be able to lose 10 pounds! Please send me some more ideas on how to get healthy, again! Anything from what I eat to ideas on exercising. I need your help! I need a pick me up!!!

Dragonflies

Some of you who know me well, will think that this is crazy, but it did happen! Dragonflies symbolize freedom, change, and good luck. When looking for an idea for my first tattoo I immediately wanted a dragonfly! My surgery was the change, the weight loss is my freedom, and I needed good luck for my new life. I am sharing this with you because this morning there were at least a thousand dragonflies in my side yard. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the most religious person in the world. Yes, I have my doubts in heaven and God, but I have faith that their is something that cannot be seen or explained. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason may not be clear to us, but if we wait long enough, the truth will show itself. This morning I think that changed in a way I can never explain, but I will try! As I was drinking coffee in my yard this morning. I looked over the field and I saw about a thousand dragonflies over the field! When I saw the dragonflies I thought... I need to send them off to help those that need help. My thoughts told me that not all the freedom would be good, it may be a freedom from a life of pain, it may be a release from physical pain, or emotional pain. It could be a change in the way one thinks or acts. If I send them off those that I am thinking about will either have freedom, a change, or good luck! I thought of all my friends and family that needed freedom, change or luck and I sent them off, faces and prayers came flooding into my head and then I sent them off. When I sent them off and I had all the faces and thoughts flood my head, the village came with their lawn mowers and the dragonflies took off! It was an amazing sight! I am hoping that these dragonflies will bring freedom or change or good luck to you! I know mine has for me!

Regrets and Non-Regrets

Finally! I am now under 200 pounds! I have 45 pounds to my goal weight!!!! What an experience. I cannot believe how much weight effects your life, from going up stairs to sleeping at night. The biggest difference in my life is that I have learned to love myself again, which is by far the hardest thing I have done through this journey. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, I love the reflection that looks back at me. I smile at myself! No, I am not being vain, I am being honest. I can actually go into a store and buy clothes that I like. My daughter told me I had to go to the more "mature" section. What she doesn't understand is that I have been in the "mature" section since I was 23 years old. I want to buy the "cool" clothes I wasn't able to buy when I was that age! I know that the clothes I wear are to young for me, but it feels GOOD! I will stop and go back to mature in a little while, but right now I need to be the young lady I could not be back then. It has been a lot of years since I have felt this good about myself. I know that when I look in the mirror, my reflection is far from perfect. It goes deeper than that, it is that I glow with life, this is something I have not seen for years. I see what all my friends see, but I never could. In the last year, I have learned to accept a compliment. This is really difficult when your entire life you have gotten compliments, and you know they are half-hearted. Now, when I hear that compliment, I can smile and say thank-you...because I actually believe it myself! At first the weight went off fast and I was so thrilled, then it was a slower process and I was frustrated. Now I look at it as, it is only a pound, but it is a pound lost, not a pound gained. It may take me another year to lose the last 45 pounds, but at least it is 45 pounds and not 130 pounds! If I had not had this surgery, I would be well over three hundred pounds today. I will NEVER regret that I did this surgery. Yes, there are times I watch someone eat a big bite of a brat, or a huge bite of a juicy burger and I WISH that I could do that again. Then I look in the mirror and I remember what I did this for, my health! It really is not that difficult to...eat slow, chew extra long, and limit my amount! Yes, if I eat too fast, or I don't chew, I throw up...don't feel sorry for me! I know better and yet I haven't learned. It is the one aspect of this surgery that sucks, but it is the price I pay for many years of abuse to my body. If you are not heavy and you are reading this...I weighed 120 pounds when I had my first son at 19, lost the weight in about 6 months, then had my second at 23, never lost that weight and gained some. Then had my 3rd at 25 and never looked back. It was as if it was a useless cause, lose 20 pounds to gain 25 back. I want to preach to you...DON'T let your weight get this out of control before you do something about it. This surgery has saved my life and I will never regret having the surgery, what I regret is that I got so out of control and I had to have the surgery in the first place.

Confusion!?

Well, here it is a year and three months since surgery day...I FINALLY know my limits on food! I can still enjoy all the flavors that I love, just a whole lot less! I know I can only eat a small amount and don't try to push it with that "one more bite". I started exercising by doing the C25K. The first day it went well, the next time, it was really difficult. Now I am afraid of failure so I haven't been back. I think that I get so afraid of failing that it is easier to just not try. However, I had a really long ride to my sister's house and then home and I did a lot of thinking. I need to do it and failure is not an option. Tomorrow I will be back on track to my 1st 5K. I am so excited for this summer with the new house and my new self. I think it is going to be the best one in years. I look forward to Niagara Falls, swimming at dad's house, and fixing up this house. I love that I am in such a good place. Now on the other end...physically I feel awesome and things are looking up for me. However, my psyche is not doing so well. I keep thinking that I should no longer teach. Since I am not allowed to write anything in here that could make my coworkers or students look bad, I will leave it at that. I love teaching, I love when that light goes on in their head and they get it...I love laughing with my students and I love being there for them when they need me. What I don't like is when parents and staff members judge me and want me to be who I am not. When they think it is so easy and they haven't got a clue. I hate when people don't understand me and they don't try to understand me. I REALLY hate when I am judged and the judgement is unfair. I only want everyone to be happy and if that is a crime, fire me and quit dragging me through the mud all the time! I really have lost all my self-esteem this year and it hurts to the core of my being! I did not know that teaching was so full of politics...I thought that the union was there to back teachers and not the administration. I am really, really sad that I hate to go to work! The only time I am happy is when I am teaching my students and they are having fun...with our crappy curriculum I barely ever get to teach and have fun. I am forced to test students,do interventions, and teach to the lowest 35% of the students in my class and the other students feel cheated. I get it, I hate it too. I tried to switch positions and to find a place where I would be happy, but that was pulled out from under me too through political bull-crap! So what do I do? How do I get my self esteem back, am I that bad of a teacher? Do I believe what people say? I am so sad...is it worth the pain to continue doing what I love? I have tried to stay out of the politics, but you just can't...it finds you! Well, life is so confusing...am I a good person, or bad...am I a good teacher, or bad...am I a good coworker, or bad, am I a good friend, or bad...am I a good mom, or bad? Confused and right now I am not liking myself at all...but hey I look better...or do I?

Want to Figure it Out!

I have had so much success...I am now a size 12, yet, I still have the mind of a 300 pound woman. I went to dinner tonight and ordered three hard tacos. My mind is still bigger than tummy! Anyway, I eat two and I take a bite of the the third. Rushing to the bathroom I get rid of one taco. When will my mind catch up to my stomach? I know I can't eat that much and yet I continue to eat it. I am so tired of my mind taking over my hunger controls. I just want to remember, this is all I can eat and screw you mind! I need a psychiatrist! LOL!!! I just need to remember that I cannot eat what I want when I want anymore:)

So long since I wrote in here...SARA IS HAVING A BABY! I am so excited!!!! She is due in September and I am just waiting for the day to get here. She is going to be a great mom!!

Work is work...I feel all the frustration of the district and it feels like it is all on my shoulders. I wish I could do something to make it better for all...but I can't. So I go to work and do what I do best and teach...

Linda's Hot Topic!

I have been home sick today (stomach flu...not good...more on that later) and I have been watching the news about Starr Jones and her interview with the ladies. Let me give you an outside perspective...

First of all, weight loss surgery is not an easy process physically or emotionally. Starr was embarrassed that she had let her weight get so out of control. She was in control of everything, except this one aspect of her life. She admitted that she didn't even want to admit that she didn't like being heavy. The decision for weight loss surgery is not an easy decision. This surgery changes your WHOLE life.

Some changes you go through are physical, you start losing weight and you start feeling better, but you are also recovering from a major surgery on your body. It takes a toll on you. After you lose that 60 or 70 pounds your skin starts sagging and you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You hit a plateau and you wonder "what did I do this for?" I am such a loser, then it starts coming off again...I bet it is very similar to being bipolar - you have GREAT days and you have REALLY BAD days too. Sometimes it is as if you are outside your body looking in at a total stranger. It is really difficult to hear people call you skinny or thin, you know you aren't, why do they say that...why not just wow you look good!

When you go from heavy to looking better you start to look at all your friends and families a little different. First, they question your motives for this surgery..."you aren't that heavy" REALLY???? I suppose if I listened to all the people telling me that I would have chickened out...thank the lord that I looked at the facts and not all the nice people. Then when you start losing weight they are simply "AMAZED" at how good you look. Again, REALLY? Because I looked so "hot" when I was 285 pounds. You start getting asked to do things no one ever asked you to do, people that wouldn't talk to you all of a sudden talk to you. It is such a different life. I am so happy that I have all my amazing family and friends and I am so glad that they are proud of me and look at me differently...especially my husband Fred! He is amazed at my change and he has been so supportive! I love him so much.

Emotionally you are like a rock star going to rehab, but need to live your life as if everything is normal. Because you are self conscious. You are losing weight and your clothes start to sag and you are really proud, but you don't want to look conceited. You also want to hide, it has been so easy to lose the weight the first 6 months you feel guilty...I should have been able to do this without surgery. You have to remind yourself that you did try and you did fail, time after time. Are people saying, if she only dieted she could have done this? I worry about that all the time.

I wanted to talk about my weight loss all the time and everyone else was so over it all ready. I needed their support and felt like I was being a baby and that they just thought I needed attention...I really didn't want the attention, I wanted the approval, to be needed, to be the center of attention again for a few minutes to bring that self confidence back I felt in the beginning. I guess this should not be past tense:)

You are an emotional roller coaster! You don't know what to do, how to feel, who to believe. You over react to everything or you don't react at all. You want the world to be all about you and you get angry when it isn't. You want people to remember you are going through so many changes and it is not that you hate them you snapped, it is because your body is changing every second you breath, you haven't learned how to change all those bad habits and it is killing you inside you can't sit down and eat a bag of chips to feel better. Your drug has been taken from you and you are going through withdrawal...literally! There are times I shake because my body craves something to make it less stressed, less anxious, less nervous, less bored...what drugs do for rock stars...food did for me! It made me feel good and comfortable...it was what I thought about all day and lived to find the best...it is a withdrawal like nothing I have ever experienced...even when I quit smoking. I am a foodholich and I live this this the rest of my life, surgery was just to help me, not to fix me...I have to do that myself...and it is an emotional nightmare!

So, when you judge Starr and why she did what she did think about what I have said, why didn't she want to admit it to the world she had surgery...because she wasn't ready to admit it yet to herself. She wasn't emotionally ready. She did what she needed to do to succeed in her life. She did not viciously do what she did when she announced her leaving, she did it to stand up for herself. They said she had 5 great years and then one bad year, that was the hardest year of her life with having that surgery...you should give her some credit and leave her alone.

I also want to say that if you know anyone that has to lose weight and is "grossly obese" weight loss surgery is not a quick cure, but it does help and it forces you to make the decisions you were not able to make before the surgery. You still have to make life changes and learn to live without food and with activity, but it is a step in the right direction! It is not easy to lose weight anyway you do it, but at least the weight loss surgery gave me one tool I was missing, control over how much I eat...it is still my decision what to eat!

I also want to say that I am glad I never was anything but up front about my surgery with everyone. I am embarrassed to say that I was going to do it, and now that I did it...I wish to hell that I could say I did it with diet and exercise alone, but I am do not regret my decision in anyway! With my fill a week ago I am back on track again and plan on losing at least 20 more pounds by summer:) Wish me luck! Love all of you!!!!

Changes

Wow, can you believe it has been almost a year since the surgery? The weight coming off has slowed significantly and I am afraid to get another fill. The last fill I had back in...well a long time ago was an over fill and the pain was awful. I had such a problem getting some removed, I just can't bare that again. I have fallen back into some old habits and I am not proud of that, I also don't feel that I am being as supported as I once was. I guess after a year it is no longer new, people forget that I am still struggling. I also stopped reaching out as I didn't want people to think I was seeking attention. Just so all of you know I am not out of the woods yet.

Since August 17th I have only lost 13 pounds. I know it is still 13 pounds, but it should have been 30. I need to get out there and exercise...I know all the excuses and I use them everyday. I am not liking the way my arms look all saggy and droopy, it is really gross...can't afford any surgery. I am surprised that my stomach isn't gross yet. I have wrinkly legs which I don't like either. I do feel healthier though and I am really on the right track, just need to stick with it!

Changes - so many changes - I am so much more confident, so much more caring, so much more of the person I knew I could be. I am living my dream of moving to Wadsworth in an old farm house...I have the energy to work on it and make it nice. My family is being completed with Sara getting married and talking about starting a family. I have more friends today than I have ever had in my entire life! I feel like I belong and I am here for a reason. I love my new life!

Last night, for the first time ever, my sleep apnea monitor alarm rang. I was in this really deep sleep having this weird dream and I hear this really weird noise in my dream and it slowly draws me to wake up and I look around and I hear this noise and it is coming from my machine...it was really scary. I wanted to wake Fred up and have him hold me, but he was so sound asleep and he has a hard time sleeping. I was really scared though. I am glad I have an appointment next week with the doctor to ask him about it. I am not sure if the correct protocol is to call him, or just let it go. Then I was thinking, maybe I was dreaming the whole time, what if it was a noise in the house I am not used to yet...but I am positive it was my machine alarming. Anyway...it was scary!

Well, as my son says, I need to make some goals and stick with them...my goal is to NOT eat any snacks on Super Bowl Sunday! I will eat my regular meals, some hummus and pita chips or veggies. I need to lay off the wine...even though it is soooo good, stop eating out, and make my breakfast and lunch everyday...oh and start portioning my food again! I think that is enough for awhile...please don't forget that I am still in need of that support! If you see me eating something I shouldn't it is okay to say something! If you see me drinking from a straw...remind me it is not good for me! If you see me sitting around, remind me to get up and move:) Yeah, I get upset, but I need a kick in the butt every now and then, and it also reminds me that I have people that care:)

2012 and beyond!

Here it is 2012 and I am feeling better than I have in YEARS! I have gone from 285 to 205 pounds in less than a year...I have gone from a size 26 to a size 14! I can actually go in a gift shop at a camp ground and buy a coat that fits me! I am amazed at the changes in my.

I spent the weekend with my cousin and her friends, it was quite an experience for me. I felt confident in myself, I was able to hold back my opinions and let others have their thoughts...I was able to relax and have a GREAT time. I was able to keep up them and not feel like I was a burden and most of all...in the pictures I don't stand out as the fat girl! I feel so good. I really had such a good time laughing, letting go of my inhibitions and making new friends.

In the beginning of my journey I would blog that I wish I could just eat and not think about it so much...that it would be normal, not so mechanical. I guess now I realize that with my life change it is not ever going to be like that for me, I will always have to talk about it, make a big deal about it and make it a part of my life to plan and talk about weight and food...if I don't it is too easy to forget that I need to be careful. I know people are sick of hearing about my battle of the bulge, but...it is going to be the center of my life for the next year or so at least! I am doing good at this point, but I could be doing better!

Oh yeah, I had my first check up with Dr. Dilla my GP last week. She reduced my blood pressure medicine to half dose and possibly all the way off in a month. Also she is going to take me off the cholesterol medicine too...so excited! This is what healthy is all about!!!

My goal for the next month is to get back on track and start looking at organic foods. I would like to get a little more organic in my diet just because I feel like I should get healthier. I need to get back to the right portion sizes and back to good foods and NO MORE SNACKS!!!!!! Alcohol will be once or twice a week...no more daily. I am so lucky I have not gained any weight back and have been able to maintain my loss. However, I am finding myself reverting to some of my old habits. I also need to reach out and let everyone know that I still need their help with this...if you see me reach for a fry or a chip...just say, "is that what you really want?" Three meals a day, three snacks a day, drink my water and stay away from alcohol...sounds easy! WE'll SEE!

Love you all...keep hanging in there with me! I still need you and this is still REALLY hard for me!

Slow Progress

It has been really slow progress the last two months. Weigh in Wednesday this week was finally a good sight! I finally am down to 205 pounds. I can't complain since I haven't gained weight. My goal is to be at 185 by my one year mark on February 15th. That would be a 100 pound loss, I am pretty sure I can do that with the move and everything else that is going on in my life at this time.

I am so grateful to have my life back on track...knees aren't sore anymore, I can walk around and feel good...I have more energy. Had blood work done and the results came back that everything is great as far as my vitamins, minerals, liver, and kidneys...that was good news for me!

If you ask me, this is a great way to lose weight. I see commercials on TV and news shows about these miraculous 100 pounds off in a year, and they all stress that they were done without surgery...don't they realize that surgery is a last resort and if you ask me, it is not an easy out! It is just as difficult as if you do it without the surgery, but you can feel successful. Before surgery I would lose 20 pounds, gain 5 back, get depressed then gain the 20 back plus the 5. With this program I can go a few weeks without any weight loss, but I have never gained a pound back...that helps keep your spirits up. I just don't believe that anyone with a weight problem can lose that much weight without help. I would recommend this to anyone that has to lose 70 pounds or more...it just makes sense and it is truly a way to change your entire life. You need to do the before surgery seminars, you need to change your mindset, and you need to have a really great support network to be successful. I have been luck to have all of that in place for me. If you have less than 70 pounds you don't need to go this drastic. You should be able to lose that through a strict, physician guided, weight loss program. If you are thinking of having this surgery talk to me and I will be happy to help you through the process!

So this moving thing is a pain in the butt! I want to be closing today and now have to wait until January 18th! The problem is with the seller, not us. I just hope I don't have to get anymore paperwork or letters together over the next two weeks...if I do, I will scream!!!! I can't believe all the crap you have to go through to buy a house. I am surprised I didn't have to chart all my bowel movements for two months to get the loan. I wish I would have said NO to the changing of the closing date, it is what really messed us up. If we would of had the original date of 12/30...we would be closing today! Now they can't get their bum of a brother out of the house and Fred is worried the house is damaged, and they had a party there a week ago and did they do anything during the party...ugh! Just want this to be done!

Happy New Year!

Loving Life

I am down to 209 today! I love my new life. I have more energy, I feel like a real person again and I am really happy with my life. Do you know what it feels like to go from a size 24/26 to a 13/14? It feels totally amazing!!!! My new nick name is Linda the incredible shrinking woman...and I love every moment of shrinking.

There are some pitfalls to this diet and I need to talk about those. It is difficult to eat. What was once my way of comforting myself and making myself feel good, is now painful. If I eat to fast it hurts really bad, if I eat too much I throw up, if something gets stuck it is painful and I throw up. I had to leave work one day because a piece of a sausage burrito was stuck and I spent the day throwing up and in pain. I only eat when I need to and most times I don't look forward to it; which is totally opposite of my past life. The only foods I cannot eat are bread, reheated meat, and cereal and I have not missed these foods as much as I thought I would.

I have a hard time getting in enough protein at times and I am obsessed with label reading and only eat foods with 2 grams or more of protein! When I don't get enough protein I space out and I have a hard time concentrating. It is really difficult for me at work. I am not sure if everyone realizes how hard this is on me and how my focus can get lost. This week I am going to try to do a protein shake before work and hopefully that will help. I have become obsessed with label reading and will not eat anything with less than 2 grams of protein. Did you know that turkey bacon only has 2 grams of protein and sausage link have 9 grams, for a few extra fat grams I can get 3 times the protein with sausage! It amazes me what I learn. I have learned to enjoy every bite of every meal, to use small plates, and to only eat what I love!

There are also some great things about this diet too...those include the fact that I can eat almost anything I want, just very slowly and not too much. I don't have to count calories, grams of fat or carbs...just need to make sure I get my protein. I still have to remind myself to stay away from chips and dip because they are a slider food and they go down way to easy. However, I can have a few and then I am done. I don't feel like I am being cheated out of anything.

I have gone through weeks and weeks of no weight change, and that is frustrating. However, over the last eight months I have learned that no weight loss is so much better than weight gain, which I have not done! That frustration of every diet is not haunting my, I do not lose a pound and wonder when I will gain it back with two more. I know that every pound lost may be slow, but it is permanent...that is the best feeling of all.

I have changed so much in the last 8 months! I guess that is why I get so frustrated when the administration tells me I need to change. I feel that I have done so many changes and I enjoy myself now. I am more confident and that makes me a little more aggressive when it comes to what I want and they don't like my approach. Well, it took me 51 years to be able to speak up for myself, excuse me if it takes me a few more to perfect the approach. I know in my heart I am a great person, and I have proof because I have the best family and friends and they love me for who I am...and that is what counts the most. I may lose my job for my approach, but I will always have my friends and family!!! Love you all and thanks for hanging in there with me in the good times and the bad times!!!

One last thing...Taylor...Thank you for being there for me in the last few months in my thoughts and dreams. You have truly inspired me and for that I am thankful. I know that God took you for reasons of his own, but through his work you have helped me see the light and for that you will always be a part of me!