I have been home sick today (stomach flu...not good...more on that later) and I have been watching the news about Starr Jones and her interview with the ladies. Let me give you an outside perspective...
First of all, weight loss surgery is not an easy process physically or emotionally. Starr was embarrassed that she had let her weight get so out of control. She was in control of everything, except this one aspect of her life. She admitted that she didn't even want to admit that she didn't like being heavy. The decision for weight loss surgery is not an easy decision. This surgery changes your WHOLE life.
Some changes you go through are physical, you start losing weight and you start feeling better, but you are also recovering from a major surgery on your body. It takes a toll on you. After you lose that 60 or 70 pounds your skin starts sagging and you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You hit a plateau and you wonder "what did I do this for?" I am such a loser, then it starts coming off again...I bet it is very similar to being bipolar - you have GREAT days and you have REALLY BAD days too. Sometimes it is as if you are outside your body looking in at a total stranger. It is really difficult to hear people call you skinny or thin, you know you aren't, why do they say that...why not just wow you look good!
When you go from heavy to looking better you start to look at all your friends and families a little different. First, they question your motives for this surgery..."you aren't that heavy" REALLY???? I suppose if I listened to all the people telling me that I would have chickened out...thank the lord that I looked at the facts and not all the nice people. Then when you start losing weight they are simply "AMAZED" at how good you look. Again, REALLY? Because I looked so "hot" when I was 285 pounds. You start getting asked to do things no one ever asked you to do, people that wouldn't talk to you all of a sudden talk to you. It is such a different life. I am so happy that I have all my amazing family and friends and I am so glad that they are proud of me and look at me differently...especially my husband Fred! He is amazed at my change and he has been so supportive! I love him so much.
Emotionally you are like a rock star going to rehab, but need to live your life as if everything is normal. Because you are self conscious. You are losing weight and your clothes start to sag and you are really proud, but you don't want to look conceited. You also want to hide, it has been so easy to lose the weight the first 6 months you feel guilty...I should have been able to do this without surgery. You have to remind yourself that you did try and you did fail, time after time. Are people saying, if she only dieted she could have done this? I worry about that all the time.
I wanted to talk about my weight loss all the time and everyone else was so over it all ready. I needed their support and felt like I was being a baby and that they just thought I needed attention...I really didn't want the attention, I wanted the approval, to be needed, to be the center of attention again for a few minutes to bring that self confidence back I felt in the beginning. I guess this should not be past tense:)
You are an emotional roller coaster! You don't know what to do, how to feel, who to believe. You over react to everything or you don't react at all. You want the world to be all about you and you get angry when it isn't. You want people to remember you are going through so many changes and it is not that you hate them you snapped, it is because your body is changing every second you breath, you haven't learned how to change all those bad habits and it is killing you inside you can't sit down and eat a bag of chips to feel better. Your drug has been taken from you and you are going through withdrawal...literally! There are times I shake because my body craves something to make it less stressed, less anxious, less nervous, less bored...what drugs do for rock stars...food did for me! It made me feel good and comfortable...it was what I thought about all day and lived to find the best...it is a withdrawal like nothing I have ever experienced...even when I quit smoking. I am a foodholich and I live this this the rest of my life, surgery was just to help me, not to fix me...I have to do that myself...and it is an emotional nightmare!
So, when you judge Starr and why she did what she did think about what I have said, why didn't she want to admit it to the world she had surgery...because she wasn't ready to admit it yet to herself. She wasn't emotionally ready. She did what she needed to do to succeed in her life. She did not viciously do what she did when she announced her leaving, she did it to stand up for herself. They said she had 5 great years and then one bad year, that was the hardest year of her life with having that surgery...you should give her some credit and leave her alone.
I also want to say that if you know anyone that has to lose weight and is "grossly obese" weight loss surgery is not a quick cure, but it does help and it forces you to make the decisions you were not able to make before the surgery. You still have to make life changes and learn to live without food and with activity, but it is a step in the right direction! It is not easy to lose weight anyway you do it, but at least the weight loss surgery gave me one tool I was missing, control over how much I eat...it is still my decision what to eat!
I also want to say that I am glad I never was anything but up front about my surgery with everyone. I am embarrassed to say that I was going to do it, and now that I did it...I wish to hell that I could say I did it with diet and exercise alone, but I am do not regret my decision in anyway! With my fill a week ago I am back on track again and plan on losing at least 20 more pounds by summer:) Wish me luck! Love all of you!!!!
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