Who am I?

I have stated in many of my posts that through this weight loss process I have found "me". What exactly does this mean?

I knew I had to open my eyes and heart to why I use food to relieve my stress and handle my emotions. I guess understanding the problem is half the battle, the other half is actually dealing with the problem.

To deal with this problem I had to look deep in my soul...I had to figure out why I love, why I hate, why I get angry, why I get scared, and why I believe so deeply in myself. I had to reach deep inside me and reflect on many things.

So what makes me love one person, and yet only tolerate another. I believe it is prejudices...pure and simple...in order to open my heart and arms to those I hate I need to set aside my prejudices...and what are my prejudices...not if a person is black or white, short or tall, fat or thin, but do they see the world the way I see it? In reality, no one sees the world my way, but if I can't mold them into some corner of my world, then to hell with them, they aren't worthy of my love...that is crap! I started looking at the person as a separate entity and that my world is not perfect and I opened my eyes to the view of others and I opened my heart to love more people. I now look for the brightest side of everyone I meet and I can be less judgmental and thus less prejudiced. In doing this I can also love more deeply! I have made more friends and reconnected with other friends more in the last six months than I have in my entire life. I have learned to love them for who they are...not who I want them to be!

Why do I get so angry? Again, it is that I expect the world to go one way and when it goes the other, I can't handle it! I usually get mad and blame myself and not the other person. I have had low self esteem my entire life. In reality I wasn't getting mad at people, I was getting mad at myself! It was easier to blame myself than admit that other people had weaknesses. At times I would even lie to make it better...That is why food helped...it was my way of apologizing to myself for doing something stupid, or making someone angry. Now I realize that the world does not revolve around me and that I was vain to even think it did! I realize that people do things because of who they are and not because of who I am. I cannot fix the world by taking on all the problems and I am not the one who creates all the problems. If I know that I did something wrong, I have learned to man up to those mistakes and deal with them, if someone else did something wrong, it is not my problem take on as my fault. If this makes you hate me, so be it...that is your prejudiced and not mine! I am still working on forgiveness...we will talk about that on another day...

Why do I get scared? Oh the many reasons...that you won't like me, that I will die, that I will lose, that I will make a mistake, that I will fail, that I will hate...the list goes on! If you think about it enough, everything is scary...just waking up in the morning and thinking, is this going to be a good day? Or going to sleep at night wondering, will I wake in the morning? So much scariness! Through learning why I love and why I get angry I have learned that I can't change things...I am not saying that everything is fate, but life is a series of fates and choices...choices are things I can change...fate is something I have no way of dealing with, it is just going to happen. If I turn left or right is a choice, if I get hit by a car is fate...did my choice affect that fate...I am not sure, but we can't dwell on that question because it can't be answered. Who knows? I can only make my choices and then hope that they are correct. If you choose to live a healthy lifestyle you are less likely to die in your sleep, but doesn't mean you won't...life is what it is and being scared is not going to change that! When fate happens, it happens, there is no way to predict it...eating is not going to change fate! I am not afraid of traffic anymore...if fate happens when I am in traffic...then so be it, but I am not going to worry about something I cannot change.

I am still trying to find my place with God and Christ...I have a hard time openly admitting that I need them in my life. I feel like a fool...then I look at my dear friend Taylor who passed away way to early in her life...and I am awed at her being able to openly admit her devotion to Christ at the age of 15. How did she find the strength? I can't find a happy medium with openly accepting Christ and letting people know I am not changing who I am...I guess this is what a gay person must go through when they are coming out! They are not changing who they are, but just openly admitting who they are. I spent most of my life denying faith, now I am finding it hard to accept it now! I know that God and Christ accept us for who we are and I don't believe that drinking, listening to music, swearing or any of those things will change his love for me. I think that staying true to yourself, being honest, loving others for who they are, and being able to forgive is what they want from us...they also want us to trust that they are there and will be there in the end.

So who am I now? I am a person who loves more deeply than I ever have loved, I have learned to accept things as they are (good or bad), I have learned that the only thing to be afraid of is fear, I have learned that I have faith and that I need to develop it more deeply, and that I can deal with life without indulging in an enormous amount of food! I can accept me for who I am, and I am willing to allow the world to know the real me! Look out, I am going to be honest with myself as well as others and as you know honesty can hurt...and it can be enlightening!