Day 2

Friendship - Almost the entire world is on some social networking page.  We put our dream, hopes, fears, jokes, likes, and dislikes out there for everyone to see.  Why?  Because we seek to be accepted and needed!  I have some of the best friends in the world.  I am one of those people that tends to hide who I really am for fear of rejection.  It is very difficult for me to put myself out there and open up to the point of letting people see the real me.

I was looking through my senior yearbook a few days ago (long story on why) and I was reading all the writings about me.  Reading these notes I realized that no one in high school ever knew who I really was.  My fears, my hopes, my dreams.  In every note it said something like "strange" "funny" "crazy".  I am really not any of those things.  I was a scared girl, shy and unable to put myself out there to be myself.  I acted the way I did because I was afraid people would hate the real me.  Yes, I do have a "creative" sense of humor, but I acted crazy because I had no self esteem.

The person who was my best friend for many childhood years just disappeared from my life one day.  She didn't move, she just didn't want me around anymore.  It hurt more than anything.  I tried to make new friends, but none of these friends measured up to her.  Years later she wrote in my yearbook that she was sorry she wasn't better friends with me because she needed to be best friends with a different person because that person needed someone to lean on more than I did.  WOW!  If this friend only knew how wrong she was.  I needed her more than she knew.  As years went by I thought of her often and always wondered why she thought I didn't need her.  Was it my ability to act strong when inside I was a mess?  I really needed her and I couldn't even tell her how much, it hurt and I guess it still does. 

Thank god I met Fred when I did.  I was at an all time low.  He pulled me up and helped me to open up and understood all my weaknesses and helped build me into a strong woman, friend, and mother.  He let me see that I didn't need to act around people, I could relax and be myself.  It has taken many years, but I finally feet like a real person, not a fake person.  He showed me that I was not crazy or strange, that I was smart, I just needed to be myself.  He is the best thing in my life!  

I wish I was that strong when my best friend left me.  I wish I had called her and said that I needed her too! I still wonder what life would be like if she was my best friend.  Don't get me wrong, through the years I have learned to be myself, like myself, and love the people who matter in my life.  I have surrounded myself with people who are accepting, loving, and real.  I have many friends and family that I couldn't live without.  The one thing my childhood friend taught me was that I shouldn't let go so easily, so I have held on tight to my friends and especially Fred and I will never let them go!

Why am I telling you all this?  Because I am an emotional eater!!! I am putting this out there because I need to remind myself on how strong I can be, and how many friends I have.  When the time comes I know can pull out the strength and remember that I have surrounded myself with people who care for me and will be there when I need them, even if others need them too, they will be there for me when I need them, and not give up on me because I seem to be stronger than I am.  Thank you friends!  I love each and everyone of you...