Myself
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Dragonflies
Some of you who know me well, will think that this is crazy, but it did happen!
Dragonflies symbolize freedom, change, and good luck. When looking for an idea for my first tattoo I immediately wanted a dragonfly! My surgery was the change, the weight loss is my freedom, and I needed good luck for my new life. I am sharing this with you because this morning there were at least a thousand dragonflies in my side yard. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the most religious person in the world. Yes, I have my doubts in heaven and God, but I have faith that their is something that cannot be seen or explained. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that reason may not be clear to us, but if we wait long enough, the truth will show itself.
This morning I think that changed in a way I can never explain, but I will try! As I was drinking coffee in my yard this morning. I looked over the field and I saw about a thousand dragonflies over the field! When I saw the dragonflies I thought... I need to send them off to help those that need help. My thoughts told me that not all the freedom would be good, it may be a freedom from a life of pain, it may be a release from physical pain, or emotional pain. It could be a change in the way one thinks or acts. If I send them off those that I am thinking about will either have freedom, a change, or good luck! I thought of all my friends and family that needed freedom, change or luck and I sent them off, faces and prayers came flooding into my head and then I sent them off. When I sent them off and I had all the faces and thoughts flood my head, the village came with their lawn mowers and the dragonflies took off! It was an amazing sight!
I am hoping that these dragonflies will bring freedom or change or good luck to you! I know mine has for me!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Regrets and Non-Regrets
Finally! I am now under 200 pounds! I have 45 pounds to my goal weight!!!! What an experience. I cannot believe how much weight effects your life, from going up stairs to sleeping at night. The biggest difference in my life is that I have learned to love myself again, which is by far the hardest thing I have done through this journey. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, I love the reflection that looks back at me. I smile at myself! No, I am not being vain, I am being honest. I can actually go into a store and buy clothes that I like. My daughter told me I had to go to the more "mature" section. What she doesn't understand is that I have been in the "mature" section since I was 23 years old. I want to buy the "cool" clothes I wasn't able to buy when I was that age! I know that the clothes I wear are to young for me, but it feels GOOD! I will stop and go back to mature in a little while, but right now I need to be the young lady I could not be back then. It has been a lot of years since I have felt this good about myself. I know that when I look in the mirror, my reflection is far from perfect. It goes deeper than that, it is that I glow with life, this is something I have not seen for years. I see what all my friends see, but I never could. In the last year, I have learned to accept a compliment. This is really difficult when your entire life you have gotten compliments, and you know they are half-hearted. Now, when I hear that compliment, I can smile and say thank-you...because I actually believe it myself!
At first the weight went off fast and I was so thrilled, then it was a slower process and I was frustrated. Now I look at it as, it is only a pound, but it is a pound lost, not a pound gained. It may take me another year to lose the last 45 pounds, but at least it is 45 pounds and not 130 pounds! If I had not had this surgery, I would be well over three hundred pounds today. I will NEVER regret that I did this surgery. Yes, there are times I watch someone eat a big bite of a brat, or a huge bite of a juicy burger and I WISH that I could do that again. Then I look in the mirror and I remember what I did this for, my health!
It really is not that difficult to...eat slow, chew extra long, and limit my amount! Yes, if I eat too fast, or I don't chew, I throw up...don't feel sorry for me! I know better and yet I haven't learned. It is the one aspect of this surgery that sucks, but it is the price I pay for many years of abuse to my body.
If you are not heavy and you are reading this...I weighed 120 pounds when I had my first son at 19, lost the weight in about 6 months, then had my second at 23, never lost that weight and gained some. Then had my 3rd at 25 and never looked back. It was as if it was a useless cause, lose 20 pounds to gain 25 back. I want to preach to you...DON'T let your weight get this out of control before you do something about it. This surgery has saved my life and I will never regret having the surgery, what I regret is that I got so out of control and I had to have the surgery in the first place.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Confusion!?
Well, here it is a year and three months since surgery day...I FINALLY know my limits on food! I can still enjoy all the flavors that I love, just a whole lot less! I know I can only eat a small amount and don't try to push it with that "one more bite". I started exercising by doing the C25K. The first day it went well, the next time, it was really difficult. Now I am afraid of failure so I haven't been back. I think that I get so afraid of failing that it is easier to just not try. However, I had a really long ride to my sister's house and then home and I did a lot of thinking. I need to do it and failure is not an option. Tomorrow I will be back on track to my 1st 5K.
I am so excited for this summer with the new house and my new self. I think it is going to be the best one in years. I look forward to Niagara Falls, swimming at dad's house, and fixing up this house. I love that I am in such a good place.
Now on the other end...physically I feel awesome and things are looking up for me. However, my psyche is not doing so well. I keep thinking that I should no longer teach. Since I am not allowed to write anything in here that could make my coworkers or students look bad, I will leave it at that. I love teaching, I love when that light goes on in their head and they get it...I love laughing with my students and I love being there for them when they need me. What I don't like is when parents and staff members judge me and want me to be who I am not. When they think it is so easy and they haven't got a clue. I hate when people don't understand me and they don't try to understand me. I REALLY hate when I am judged and the judgement is unfair. I only want everyone to be happy and if that is a crime, fire me and quit dragging me through the mud all the time! I really have lost all my self-esteem this year and it hurts to the core of my being! I did not know that teaching was so full of politics...I thought that the union was there to back teachers and not the administration. I am really, really sad that I hate to go to work! The only time I am happy is when I am teaching my students and they are having fun...with our crappy curriculum I barely ever get to teach and have fun. I am forced to test students,do interventions, and teach to the lowest 35% of the students in my class and the other students feel cheated. I get it, I hate it too. I tried to switch positions and to find a place where I would be happy, but that was pulled out from under me too through political bull-crap! So what do I do? How do I get my self esteem back, am I that bad of a teacher? Do I believe what people say? I am so sad...is it worth the pain to continue doing what I love? I have tried to stay out of the politics, but you just can't...it finds you!
Well, life is so confusing...am I a good person, or bad...am I a good teacher, or bad...am I a good coworker, or bad, am I a good friend, or bad...am I a good mom, or bad? Confused and right now I am not liking myself at all...but hey I look better...or do I?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Want to Figure it Out!
I have had so much success...I am now a size 12, yet, I still have the mind of a 300 pound woman. I went to dinner tonight and ordered three hard tacos. My mind is still bigger than tummy! Anyway, I eat two and I take a bite of the the third. Rushing to the bathroom I get rid of one taco. When will my mind catch up to my stomach? I know I can't eat that much and yet I continue to eat it. I am so tired of my mind taking over my hunger controls. I just want to remember, this is all I can eat and screw you mind! I need a psychiatrist! LOL!!! I just need to remember that I cannot eat what I want when I want anymore:)
So long since I wrote in here...SARA IS HAVING A BABY! I am so excited!!!! She is due in September and I am just waiting for the day to get here. She is going to be a great mom!!
Work is work...I feel all the frustration of the district and it feels like it is all on my shoulders. I wish I could do something to make it better for all...but I can't. So I go to work and do what I do best and teach...
So long since I wrote in here...SARA IS HAVING A BABY! I am so excited!!!! She is due in September and I am just waiting for the day to get here. She is going to be a great mom!!
Work is work...I feel all the frustration of the district and it feels like it is all on my shoulders. I wish I could do something to make it better for all...but I can't. So I go to work and do what I do best and teach...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Linda's Hot Topic!
I have been home sick today (stomach flu...not good...more on that later) and I have been watching the news about Starr Jones and her interview with the ladies. Let me give you an outside perspective...
First of all, weight loss surgery is not an easy process physically or emotionally. Starr was embarrassed that she had let her weight get so out of control. She was in control of everything, except this one aspect of her life. She admitted that she didn't even want to admit that she didn't like being heavy. The decision for weight loss surgery is not an easy decision. This surgery changes your WHOLE life.
Some changes you go through are physical, you start losing weight and you start feeling better, but you are also recovering from a major surgery on your body. It takes a toll on you. After you lose that 60 or 70 pounds your skin starts sagging and you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You hit a plateau and you wonder "what did I do this for?" I am such a loser, then it starts coming off again...I bet it is very similar to being bipolar - you have GREAT days and you have REALLY BAD days too. Sometimes it is as if you are outside your body looking in at a total stranger. It is really difficult to hear people call you skinny or thin, you know you aren't, why do they say that...why not just wow you look good!
When you go from heavy to looking better you start to look at all your friends and families a little different. First, they question your motives for this surgery..."you aren't that heavy" REALLY???? I suppose if I listened to all the people telling me that I would have chickened out...thank the lord that I looked at the facts and not all the nice people. Then when you start losing weight they are simply "AMAZED" at how good you look. Again, REALLY? Because I looked so "hot" when I was 285 pounds. You start getting asked to do things no one ever asked you to do, people that wouldn't talk to you all of a sudden talk to you. It is such a different life. I am so happy that I have all my amazing family and friends and I am so glad that they are proud of me and look at me differently...especially my husband Fred! He is amazed at my change and he has been so supportive! I love him so much.
Emotionally you are like a rock star going to rehab, but need to live your life as if everything is normal. Because you are self conscious. You are losing weight and your clothes start to sag and you are really proud, but you don't want to look conceited. You also want to hide, it has been so easy to lose the weight the first 6 months you feel guilty...I should have been able to do this without surgery. You have to remind yourself that you did try and you did fail, time after time. Are people saying, if she only dieted she could have done this? I worry about that all the time.
I wanted to talk about my weight loss all the time and everyone else was so over it all ready. I needed their support and felt like I was being a baby and that they just thought I needed attention...I really didn't want the attention, I wanted the approval, to be needed, to be the center of attention again for a few minutes to bring that self confidence back I felt in the beginning. I guess this should not be past tense:)
You are an emotional roller coaster! You don't know what to do, how to feel, who to believe. You over react to everything or you don't react at all. You want the world to be all about you and you get angry when it isn't. You want people to remember you are going through so many changes and it is not that you hate them you snapped, it is because your body is changing every second you breath, you haven't learned how to change all those bad habits and it is killing you inside you can't sit down and eat a bag of chips to feel better. Your drug has been taken from you and you are going through withdrawal...literally! There are times I shake because my body craves something to make it less stressed, less anxious, less nervous, less bored...what drugs do for rock stars...food did for me! It made me feel good and comfortable...it was what I thought about all day and lived to find the best...it is a withdrawal like nothing I have ever experienced...even when I quit smoking. I am a foodholich and I live this this the rest of my life, surgery was just to help me, not to fix me...I have to do that myself...and it is an emotional nightmare!
So, when you judge Starr and why she did what she did think about what I have said, why didn't she want to admit it to the world she had surgery...because she wasn't ready to admit it yet to herself. She wasn't emotionally ready. She did what she needed to do to succeed in her life. She did not viciously do what she did when she announced her leaving, she did it to stand up for herself. They said she had 5 great years and then one bad year, that was the hardest year of her life with having that surgery...you should give her some credit and leave her alone.
I also want to say that if you know anyone that has to lose weight and is "grossly obese" weight loss surgery is not a quick cure, but it does help and it forces you to make the decisions you were not able to make before the surgery. You still have to make life changes and learn to live without food and with activity, but it is a step in the right direction! It is not easy to lose weight anyway you do it, but at least the weight loss surgery gave me one tool I was missing, control over how much I eat...it is still my decision what to eat!
I also want to say that I am glad I never was anything but up front about my surgery with everyone. I am embarrassed to say that I was going to do it, and now that I did it...I wish to hell that I could say I did it with diet and exercise alone, but I am do not regret my decision in anyway! With my fill a week ago I am back on track again and plan on losing at least 20 more pounds by summer:) Wish me luck! Love all of you!!!!
First of all, weight loss surgery is not an easy process physically or emotionally. Starr was embarrassed that she had let her weight get so out of control. She was in control of everything, except this one aspect of her life. She admitted that she didn't even want to admit that she didn't like being heavy. The decision for weight loss surgery is not an easy decision. This surgery changes your WHOLE life.
Some changes you go through are physical, you start losing weight and you start feeling better, but you are also recovering from a major surgery on your body. It takes a toll on you. After you lose that 60 or 70 pounds your skin starts sagging and you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You hit a plateau and you wonder "what did I do this for?" I am such a loser, then it starts coming off again...I bet it is very similar to being bipolar - you have GREAT days and you have REALLY BAD days too. Sometimes it is as if you are outside your body looking in at a total stranger. It is really difficult to hear people call you skinny or thin, you know you aren't, why do they say that...why not just wow you look good!
When you go from heavy to looking better you start to look at all your friends and families a little different. First, they question your motives for this surgery..."you aren't that heavy" REALLY???? I suppose if I listened to all the people telling me that I would have chickened out...thank the lord that I looked at the facts and not all the nice people. Then when you start losing weight they are simply "AMAZED" at how good you look. Again, REALLY? Because I looked so "hot" when I was 285 pounds. You start getting asked to do things no one ever asked you to do, people that wouldn't talk to you all of a sudden talk to you. It is such a different life. I am so happy that I have all my amazing family and friends and I am so glad that they are proud of me and look at me differently...especially my husband Fred! He is amazed at my change and he has been so supportive! I love him so much.
Emotionally you are like a rock star going to rehab, but need to live your life as if everything is normal. Because you are self conscious. You are losing weight and your clothes start to sag and you are really proud, but you don't want to look conceited. You also want to hide, it has been so easy to lose the weight the first 6 months you feel guilty...I should have been able to do this without surgery. You have to remind yourself that you did try and you did fail, time after time. Are people saying, if she only dieted she could have done this? I worry about that all the time.
I wanted to talk about my weight loss all the time and everyone else was so over it all ready. I needed their support and felt like I was being a baby and that they just thought I needed attention...I really didn't want the attention, I wanted the approval, to be needed, to be the center of attention again for a few minutes to bring that self confidence back I felt in the beginning. I guess this should not be past tense:)
You are an emotional roller coaster! You don't know what to do, how to feel, who to believe. You over react to everything or you don't react at all. You want the world to be all about you and you get angry when it isn't. You want people to remember you are going through so many changes and it is not that you hate them you snapped, it is because your body is changing every second you breath, you haven't learned how to change all those bad habits and it is killing you inside you can't sit down and eat a bag of chips to feel better. Your drug has been taken from you and you are going through withdrawal...literally! There are times I shake because my body craves something to make it less stressed, less anxious, less nervous, less bored...what drugs do for rock stars...food did for me! It made me feel good and comfortable...it was what I thought about all day and lived to find the best...it is a withdrawal like nothing I have ever experienced...even when I quit smoking. I am a foodholich and I live this this the rest of my life, surgery was just to help me, not to fix me...I have to do that myself...and it is an emotional nightmare!
So, when you judge Starr and why she did what she did think about what I have said, why didn't she want to admit it to the world she had surgery...because she wasn't ready to admit it yet to herself. She wasn't emotionally ready. She did what she needed to do to succeed in her life. She did not viciously do what she did when she announced her leaving, she did it to stand up for herself. They said she had 5 great years and then one bad year, that was the hardest year of her life with having that surgery...you should give her some credit and leave her alone.
I also want to say that if you know anyone that has to lose weight and is "grossly obese" weight loss surgery is not a quick cure, but it does help and it forces you to make the decisions you were not able to make before the surgery. You still have to make life changes and learn to live without food and with activity, but it is a step in the right direction! It is not easy to lose weight anyway you do it, but at least the weight loss surgery gave me one tool I was missing, control over how much I eat...it is still my decision what to eat!
I also want to say that I am glad I never was anything but up front about my surgery with everyone. I am embarrassed to say that I was going to do it, and now that I did it...I wish to hell that I could say I did it with diet and exercise alone, but I am do not regret my decision in anyway! With my fill a week ago I am back on track again and plan on losing at least 20 more pounds by summer:) Wish me luck! Love all of you!!!!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Changes
Wow, can you believe it has been almost a year since the surgery? The weight coming off has slowed significantly and I am afraid to get another fill. The last fill I had back in...well a long time ago was an over fill and the pain was awful. I had such a problem getting some removed, I just can't bare that again. I have fallen back into some old habits and I am not proud of that, I also don't feel that I am being as supported as I once was. I guess after a year it is no longer new, people forget that I am still struggling. I also stopped reaching out as I didn't want people to think I was seeking attention. Just so all of you know I am not out of the woods yet.
Since August 17th I have only lost 13 pounds. I know it is still 13 pounds, but it should have been 30. I need to get out there and exercise...I know all the excuses and I use them everyday. I am not liking the way my arms look all saggy and droopy, it is really gross...can't afford any surgery. I am surprised that my stomach isn't gross yet. I have wrinkly legs which I don't like either. I do feel healthier though and I am really on the right track, just need to stick with it!
Changes - so many changes - I am so much more confident, so much more caring, so much more of the person I knew I could be. I am living my dream of moving to Wadsworth in an old farm house...I have the energy to work on it and make it nice. My family is being completed with Sara getting married and talking about starting a family. I have more friends today than I have ever had in my entire life! I feel like I belong and I am here for a reason. I love my new life!
Last night, for the first time ever, my sleep apnea monitor alarm rang. I was in this really deep sleep having this weird dream and I hear this really weird noise in my dream and it slowly draws me to wake up and I look around and I hear this noise and it is coming from my machine...it was really scary. I wanted to wake Fred up and have him hold me, but he was so sound asleep and he has a hard time sleeping. I was really scared though. I am glad I have an appointment next week with the doctor to ask him about it. I am not sure if the correct protocol is to call him, or just let it go. Then I was thinking, maybe I was dreaming the whole time, what if it was a noise in the house I am not used to yet...but I am positive it was my machine alarming. Anyway...it was scary!
Well, as my son says, I need to make some goals and stick with them...my goal is to NOT eat any snacks on Super Bowl Sunday! I will eat my regular meals, some hummus and pita chips or veggies. I need to lay off the wine...even though it is soooo good, stop eating out, and make my breakfast and lunch everyday...oh and start portioning my food again! I think that is enough for awhile...please don't forget that I am still in need of that support! If you see me eating something I shouldn't it is okay to say something! If you see me drinking from a straw...remind me it is not good for me! If you see me sitting around, remind me to get up and move:) Yeah, I get upset, but I need a kick in the butt every now and then, and it also reminds me that I have people that care:)
Since August 17th I have only lost 13 pounds. I know it is still 13 pounds, but it should have been 30. I need to get out there and exercise...I know all the excuses and I use them everyday. I am not liking the way my arms look all saggy and droopy, it is really gross...can't afford any surgery. I am surprised that my stomach isn't gross yet. I have wrinkly legs which I don't like either. I do feel healthier though and I am really on the right track, just need to stick with it!
Changes - so many changes - I am so much more confident, so much more caring, so much more of the person I knew I could be. I am living my dream of moving to Wadsworth in an old farm house...I have the energy to work on it and make it nice. My family is being completed with Sara getting married and talking about starting a family. I have more friends today than I have ever had in my entire life! I feel like I belong and I am here for a reason. I love my new life!
Last night, for the first time ever, my sleep apnea monitor alarm rang. I was in this really deep sleep having this weird dream and I hear this really weird noise in my dream and it slowly draws me to wake up and I look around and I hear this noise and it is coming from my machine...it was really scary. I wanted to wake Fred up and have him hold me, but he was so sound asleep and he has a hard time sleeping. I was really scared though. I am glad I have an appointment next week with the doctor to ask him about it. I am not sure if the correct protocol is to call him, or just let it go. Then I was thinking, maybe I was dreaming the whole time, what if it was a noise in the house I am not used to yet...but I am positive it was my machine alarming. Anyway...it was scary!
Well, as my son says, I need to make some goals and stick with them...my goal is to NOT eat any snacks on Super Bowl Sunday! I will eat my regular meals, some hummus and pita chips or veggies. I need to lay off the wine...even though it is soooo good, stop eating out, and make my breakfast and lunch everyday...oh and start portioning my food again! I think that is enough for awhile...please don't forget that I am still in need of that support! If you see me eating something I shouldn't it is okay to say something! If you see me drinking from a straw...remind me it is not good for me! If you see me sitting around, remind me to get up and move:) Yeah, I get upset, but I need a kick in the butt every now and then, and it also reminds me that I have people that care:)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012 and beyond!
Here it is 2012 and I am feeling better than I have in YEARS! I have gone from 285 to 205 pounds in less than a year...I have gone from a size 26 to a size 14! I can actually go in a gift shop at a camp ground and buy a coat that fits me! I am amazed at the changes in my.
I spent the weekend with my cousin and her friends, it was quite an experience for me. I felt confident in myself, I was able to hold back my opinions and let others have their thoughts...I was able to relax and have a GREAT time. I was able to keep up them and not feel like I was a burden and most of all...in the pictures I don't stand out as the fat girl! I feel so good. I really had such a good time laughing, letting go of my inhibitions and making new friends.
In the beginning of my journey I would blog that I wish I could just eat and not think about it so much...that it would be normal, not so mechanical. I guess now I realize that with my life change it is not ever going to be like that for me, I will always have to talk about it, make a big deal about it and make it a part of my life to plan and talk about weight and food...if I don't it is too easy to forget that I need to be careful. I know people are sick of hearing about my battle of the bulge, but...it is going to be the center of my life for the next year or so at least! I am doing good at this point, but I could be doing better!
Oh yeah, I had my first check up with Dr. Dilla my GP last week. She reduced my blood pressure medicine to half dose and possibly all the way off in a month. Also she is going to take me off the cholesterol medicine too...so excited! This is what healthy is all about!!!
My goal for the next month is to get back on track and start looking at organic foods. I would like to get a little more organic in my diet just because I feel like I should get healthier. I need to get back to the right portion sizes and back to good foods and NO MORE SNACKS!!!!!! Alcohol will be once or twice a week...no more daily. I am so lucky I have not gained any weight back and have been able to maintain my loss. However, I am finding myself reverting to some of my old habits. I also need to reach out and let everyone know that I still need their help with this...if you see me reach for a fry or a chip...just say, "is that what you really want?" Three meals a day, three snacks a day, drink my water and stay away from alcohol...sounds easy! WE'll SEE!
Love you all...keep hanging in there with me! I still need you and this is still REALLY hard for me!
I spent the weekend with my cousin and her friends, it was quite an experience for me. I felt confident in myself, I was able to hold back my opinions and let others have their thoughts...I was able to relax and have a GREAT time. I was able to keep up them and not feel like I was a burden and most of all...in the pictures I don't stand out as the fat girl! I feel so good. I really had such a good time laughing, letting go of my inhibitions and making new friends.
In the beginning of my journey I would blog that I wish I could just eat and not think about it so much...that it would be normal, not so mechanical. I guess now I realize that with my life change it is not ever going to be like that for me, I will always have to talk about it, make a big deal about it and make it a part of my life to plan and talk about weight and food...if I don't it is too easy to forget that I need to be careful. I know people are sick of hearing about my battle of the bulge, but...it is going to be the center of my life for the next year or so at least! I am doing good at this point, but I could be doing better!
Oh yeah, I had my first check up with Dr. Dilla my GP last week. She reduced my blood pressure medicine to half dose and possibly all the way off in a month. Also she is going to take me off the cholesterol medicine too...so excited! This is what healthy is all about!!!
My goal for the next month is to get back on track and start looking at organic foods. I would like to get a little more organic in my diet just because I feel like I should get healthier. I need to get back to the right portion sizes and back to good foods and NO MORE SNACKS!!!!!! Alcohol will be once or twice a week...no more daily. I am so lucky I have not gained any weight back and have been able to maintain my loss. However, I am finding myself reverting to some of my old habits. I also need to reach out and let everyone know that I still need their help with this...if you see me reach for a fry or a chip...just say, "is that what you really want?" Three meals a day, three snacks a day, drink my water and stay away from alcohol...sounds easy! WE'll SEE!
Love you all...keep hanging in there with me! I still need you and this is still REALLY hard for me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)