A lot can happen in 10 months! I have learned so much about myself and if I want to continue my journey to a healthy life, I need to continue to find out who I am. I started this journey in February of 2011. In this blog, I will take you through my journey of heaven and hell and through this blog I am hoping to complete some of my healing and telling my story may help someone else seek help when they need it, whether they want to admit it or not!
First, I will take you back to April 19, 1983...the day my beautiful baby boy was born. I wanted to call him Christopher Robin because I thought he was the happiest, most loving, funny, yet smartest character I had ever met. Fred said no, so we named him Christopher David..he did turn out to be all that and more...but I digress...the point is that Christopher had to endure two of my addictions before he even had had lungs. I was addicted to a nicotine. I vowed the day I found out I was pregnant I would not quit smoking, because when I did with my pregnancy with Jason, I gained too much weight. YES! I was young and stupid and very, very, selfish. On April 19, 1983 I had to have an emergency c-section due to fetal distress. To make a long story short, the first cigarette I smoked after surgery made me cough and having abdominal surgery it quite frankly HURT like hell! Getting home, not driving, having a non-smoking husband and by the end of six weeks I decided it was time to quit smoking. What I didn't understand was I had an addiction and not a habit. An addiction is evil and had a way of making my brain believe I needed this to make me happy. Without nicotine...my brain wasn't happy and it turned to another addition.
Now, I will take you back to February 15, 2011...the day of lap-band surgery. This was a time of hope, fear, and death. The hope of a new healthy life, the fear of failure and the death another addiction. After I quit smoking I turned my smoking addiction into a food addiction...before I became pregnant with my third child in 1985, I had not lost one pound of weight I had gained from 1983 and had put on another 50 pounds. Pregnant again I gained more weight, never to lose those pounds. By the time I was 50 I was a hefty 280 pounds. By the end of that summer I hit 296 pounds and was continuing to eat. I had become addicted to food. I would hide my eating, I would eat entire bags of chips and dip, I would eat and eat and eat. Before surgery I took classes to learn about food addiction and how it can turn to other addictions, but I chose not to believe them again. Surgery was my only hope at this time! I was addicted to food, I just gained weight because of my body. I had dieted and lost only to gain it back and another 25 pounds on top of what I had lost. YoYo dieting was a losing battled. I had the surgery and began to lose weight, but not realizing that I hated the fact I couldn't eat. Again, not coming to the realization that food was an addiction and not just a habit. I lied to my family, my friends, myself about my eating habits! I REALLY wanted to eat and I couldn't and I hated that I had the surgery because it took away the one thing I could always rely on to make me happy.
Now, I will take you to December 16, 2014. This was by far the best and worst month of my life! I know, I know, I
have said this before and I will probably say it again, but for this 54
year 11 months and 7 day year old woman, December was when I fell in the
deepest hole I have ever been in. I cannot tell you everything that happened in these months, weeks, days, hours, but I can tell you that I fell in a hole so deep and so painful that I not only dig myself out, I didn't want to dig myself out, I wanted to cover myself up with the dirt and forget that I ever existed. I got to a point that I felt that I didn't feel I belonged in this world and that I all my family, friends, and the world would be a better place without me in it. I sat down with a bottle of pills and a glass of wine and thought about taking one pill at a time, as my thoughts started clearing, I took the pills to bed with me and laid next to Fred and thought about how much I loved him, my kids, my grandkids, my mom, his family, my friends, it all came flooding back...even if only long enough to get me through the night. When we woke up, I confided in Fred my feelings. I hate myself, I am a selfish brat, I shouldn't be a teacher the students and parents hate me, I should not be here wasting space and the air everyone else should be breathing. I want to die.
To make a long story short, I was turning my next addiction into alcohol because I have an addictive brain. I am depressed, and I have severe anxiety, when I feel down I need something to get me up again. These are my addictions...smoking was replaced with food, food was replaced with wine, and I was spiraling out of control. I am an addict, not an alcoholic, but an addict. I had not become a raging alcoholic, I was still the open and honest drinker, but...over the past 10 months I started making up excuses to drink...it helps me eat, it is the only thing I can drink when I eat...then I wanted to go out to dinner and lunch all the time to give me a reason to drink wine. I started wanted to stay at the restaurant and have...just one more glass...no longer just drinking on the weekend, now on weekdays. Coming home and having a glass of wine because of the stressful day (some how every day was stressful. Then I was going to work with hangovers, weekends I started drinking until I went to bed not knowing what I did the last few hours. I guess I was what they call a "functioning alcoholic", never drinking at work, not hiding my habit, only drinking enough during the week that felt good about myself, but I could still wake up and get to work and then bring on the weekend.
It came to head in December through a series of events. I am not blaming the events, they just added to my self loathing and my additive brain needed to drink to feel good. I ended up in the hospital, then in an intensive therapy program. Through intensive therapy and counseling over the last six weeks I have been able to stay alcohol and tobacco free. I have started going back to my healthy eating habits (I need to work on this a lot more!). I am now working on my self loathing, depression, anxiety, and addictive brain. I feel good and I feel like I am gaining ground on understanding myself and how I am an addict. I never realized that addition is a disease of the brain. There are actual reasons that some people are addicts and others never become addicts. An addict will trade one addiction for another because of the way our brains work. I am an addict! First of tobacco, then of food, now of alcohol.
Do I think I will be able to drink again. I hope so, I would love to have a glass of wine with dinner, and not need to drink to give myself a boost of endorphins that make me feel good. At this point, it would be really stupid of me to try a drink of wine. I need to heal first. I hope that I can find a way to love myself and get those endorphins going on their own. Most addicts also suffer from depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. It has to do with the lymbic system and the misfiring of dopamine, and lots of other medical brain things. At times I have lucid moments when I know that I am not a horrible person, that I do deserve to be in this world. It will be a long haul because I really hated myself. It won't happen over night and I will have good hours and bad hours. I will have good days and bad days. I will have good weeks and bad weeks. I do know that in the future I will be able to love myself. In in the past week I have had some moments of liking myself again. I am legitimately smiling and laughing again and I am not lying and putting on a great show.
I won't bore you anymore with my self pitying, that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this let you know that even when you are at your lowest; even when the world looks like a better place without you, even when it seems like your family and friends would be better off without you, even when it hurts to breath, you are just feeling what your evil brain wants you to feel. Find someone that loves you and hold on to them until you can breath again and then be honest with them and yourself. Get the help you need. I am not saying that I don't have those moments of feeling like I don't belong here, but at least now I can talk to people that understand my disease and they help me back to reality.
Myself
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Friday, April 4, 2014
I am Who I am, it is What it is, and I Love Me
Wow the last two week has been full of lows and highs. I will start with the low and move to the highs.
The Friday before spring break I found out that I would not have a position in my current school district. After 12 years of service I have been released due to a "Reduction in Forces". You may think that this is impossible, but it is not. Under the new current evaluation system; that is forced on school districts by the state, you are let go based on the best 2 of you last 3 evaluations. Also, under the new evaluation system you can get a 1 - 4 as a rating. A 4 is the best. We were all told that you had to be a "Michael Phelps" (gold medal winner) in order to get a 4 under the new system. When I had my evaluation in 2011/12, it was under the old system and I had a satisfactory which is considered a 3 under the new system. As a tenured teacher you are only suppose to get an evaluation every two years. Well, I had an argument with my evaluator just before my final evaluation (which is suppose to be objective...yeah right, and she decided that I would need another evaluation the following year under the new evaluation system.
To make a long story short, I am a good teacher! I love teaching and I spend hours planning, grading, and communicating to help my students become educated young adults. However, I do not put myself on a pedestal and I don't consider myself a "Michael Phelps" so I thought that a 3 was a great evaluation. However, because I had to be evaluated again and not on my regular 2 year cycle I had 2 ratings of 3 and one under the old as excellent or a 4. All other tenured teachers had 1 rating of a 3 and two of excellent. This put me on the category 3 list and I was let go. In addition, the administration in our building took the rating system seriously and did not give many 4's, but other admins in other buildings didn't take it as seriously.
Needless to say, I am beating myself up left and right over this situation. I keep thinking that people are happy I am gone. I saw a PTO person in the school library and she didn't even say hi to me. I feel like the red headed step child of the district. I know I am the first one on the call back list, but if they call me back do I want to work there? I would love to tell them to shove it, but I love teaching and I love my students. If I get the call and I don't have another job, yes, I will go back. However, I will continue to look for a place that appreciates me.
The saddest part of the entire situation is that I felt as if I deserved to get canned. I have such a poor self concept that I think I actually deserved it. Then I look at who is still there and I think...yeah, I am not perfect and I have many faults, but I am NOT a bad teacher. There are many more that are though. The new evaluation system, that is suppose to get rid of bad teachers, it is not working! It is still subjective and if you are liked, you are in, whether you can teach or not. If you are not liked (or overly opinionated) you are out even if you are great. As everyone knows, that knows me at all, I can't keep my mouth shut when I think things are unfair or unjust, or if I feel it is wrong. I don't intend on being the quiet mouse either.
Now for the good! Fred and I took a trip to Phoenix last week. It was so beautiful! I would move there in a heart beat if I could. Seeing Adam, Nadia, Cera, and Nora was so much fun. It was especially nice to get to know Nadia. She is a bright, beautiful, young woman. She has experienced much in her life and has taken those experiences to become who she is today. She is a wonderful mother and wife. I am so glad that Adam was able to find his soul mate. They are truly perfect for each other. I am grateful and honored that they think of us as family. I am auntie and Fred is papa to Cera, I am mama to Nadia, and I am ma to Adam.
Being there with them after the news of my job was perfect. I realized that no matter what others think of me, or how they have judged me, I know that I have touched many lives and in some way made them better. I have helped many young people find their potential. This makes me one proud Mother and Grandmother with at least 4 sons, 4 daughters, 3 grandsons and 1 on the way, 4 granddaughters.
In Phoenix I was able to do so many things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't lost weight. I was able to go on a hike up Superstition Mountain, I couldn't make it to the top, but I went most of the way...before I wouldn't even have tried. I was able to get on a horse and ride it for 3 hours! It felt amazing! I had energy that I can't remember ever having. It was an exciting time and I was glad I was able to be there with the love of my life Fred! He is the most supportive, loving man in the world. I am grateful that he has supported me all the way through this journey of weight loss.
In a few weeks I will be going on a journey to Omaha, Nebraska to experience the birth of my next grandson and spend time with my granddaughter. I am again so grateful that my son and his wife want me to be there at this special time. This is what life is all about, not impressing those who don't know you, but to be there for those who do love you and appreciate you. I miss them not being close, but I am so proud of them to take this step and move away. It was a difficult decision and they are doing what is best for their family. I am glad that it is only 7 hours away and not farther!
I am lucky that I get to see Sara and Barrett a few times a week. I wish I could see Bryan more, but he is working hard for his family. I am so lucky to have a loving relationship with my daughter and we like to spend time together. We don't always have to talk, we can just be together and it is good. We can laugh together and she gets me and I get her. We just fit. It is great!
I am also lucky that I can spend time with my son Jason and his family. He has grown into such a wonderful man and he has such a beautiful family. Again, I am glad that we have such a great relationship. When we get together we laugh! He is so funny and I love when he makes me laugh. I feel like I am me when he is around, I am not sure what that means, but that is how I feel.
All in all, I know that people who do not know me well, they judge me, they may even think I am not a good teacher, they may think I deserve to lose my job, but I know better. I know that I had a child at 19, I have had many trials through my life. I am not perfect, I am far from it, but every night when I go to bed, I think...I am who I am, it is what it is, and I love me, I love my family, I love my true friends, and I love my life! I know that I have family and friends that love me back for a reason...because I am a good person. Can all of parents, teachers and administrators that judge me say the same thing? Maybe they are just jealous;)
The Friday before spring break I found out that I would not have a position in my current school district. After 12 years of service I have been released due to a "Reduction in Forces". You may think that this is impossible, but it is not. Under the new current evaluation system; that is forced on school districts by the state, you are let go based on the best 2 of you last 3 evaluations. Also, under the new evaluation system you can get a 1 - 4 as a rating. A 4 is the best. We were all told that you had to be a "Michael Phelps" (gold medal winner) in order to get a 4 under the new system. When I had my evaluation in 2011/12, it was under the old system and I had a satisfactory which is considered a 3 under the new system. As a tenured teacher you are only suppose to get an evaluation every two years. Well, I had an argument with my evaluator just before my final evaluation (which is suppose to be objective...yeah right, and she decided that I would need another evaluation the following year under the new evaluation system.
To make a long story short, I am a good teacher! I love teaching and I spend hours planning, grading, and communicating to help my students become educated young adults. However, I do not put myself on a pedestal and I don't consider myself a "Michael Phelps" so I thought that a 3 was a great evaluation. However, because I had to be evaluated again and not on my regular 2 year cycle I had 2 ratings of 3 and one under the old as excellent or a 4. All other tenured teachers had 1 rating of a 3 and two of excellent. This put me on the category 3 list and I was let go. In addition, the administration in our building took the rating system seriously and did not give many 4's, but other admins in other buildings didn't take it as seriously.
Needless to say, I am beating myself up left and right over this situation. I keep thinking that people are happy I am gone. I saw a PTO person in the school library and she didn't even say hi to me. I feel like the red headed step child of the district. I know I am the first one on the call back list, but if they call me back do I want to work there? I would love to tell them to shove it, but I love teaching and I love my students. If I get the call and I don't have another job, yes, I will go back. However, I will continue to look for a place that appreciates me.
The saddest part of the entire situation is that I felt as if I deserved to get canned. I have such a poor self concept that I think I actually deserved it. Then I look at who is still there and I think...yeah, I am not perfect and I have many faults, but I am NOT a bad teacher. There are many more that are though. The new evaluation system, that is suppose to get rid of bad teachers, it is not working! It is still subjective and if you are liked, you are in, whether you can teach or not. If you are not liked (or overly opinionated) you are out even if you are great. As everyone knows, that knows me at all, I can't keep my mouth shut when I think things are unfair or unjust, or if I feel it is wrong. I don't intend on being the quiet mouse either.
Now for the good! Fred and I took a trip to Phoenix last week. It was so beautiful! I would move there in a heart beat if I could. Seeing Adam, Nadia, Cera, and Nora was so much fun. It was especially nice to get to know Nadia. She is a bright, beautiful, young woman. She has experienced much in her life and has taken those experiences to become who she is today. She is a wonderful mother and wife. I am so glad that Adam was able to find his soul mate. They are truly perfect for each other. I am grateful and honored that they think of us as family. I am auntie and Fred is papa to Cera, I am mama to Nadia, and I am ma to Adam.
Being there with them after the news of my job was perfect. I realized that no matter what others think of me, or how they have judged me, I know that I have touched many lives and in some way made them better. I have helped many young people find their potential. This makes me one proud Mother and Grandmother with at least 4 sons, 4 daughters, 3 grandsons and 1 on the way, 4 granddaughters.
In Phoenix I was able to do so many things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't lost weight. I was able to go on a hike up Superstition Mountain, I couldn't make it to the top, but I went most of the way...before I wouldn't even have tried. I was able to get on a horse and ride it for 3 hours! It felt amazing! I had energy that I can't remember ever having. It was an exciting time and I was glad I was able to be there with the love of my life Fred! He is the most supportive, loving man in the world. I am grateful that he has supported me all the way through this journey of weight loss.
In a few weeks I will be going on a journey to Omaha, Nebraska to experience the birth of my next grandson and spend time with my granddaughter. I am again so grateful that my son and his wife want me to be there at this special time. This is what life is all about, not impressing those who don't know you, but to be there for those who do love you and appreciate you. I miss them not being close, but I am so proud of them to take this step and move away. It was a difficult decision and they are doing what is best for their family. I am glad that it is only 7 hours away and not farther!
I am lucky that I get to see Sara and Barrett a few times a week. I wish I could see Bryan more, but he is working hard for his family. I am so lucky to have a loving relationship with my daughter and we like to spend time together. We don't always have to talk, we can just be together and it is good. We can laugh together and she gets me and I get her. We just fit. It is great!
I am also lucky that I can spend time with my son Jason and his family. He has grown into such a wonderful man and he has such a beautiful family. Again, I am glad that we have such a great relationship. When we get together we laugh! He is so funny and I love when he makes me laugh. I feel like I am me when he is around, I am not sure what that means, but that is how I feel.
All in all, I know that people who do not know me well, they judge me, they may even think I am not a good teacher, they may think I deserve to lose my job, but I know better. I know that I had a child at 19, I have had many trials through my life. I am not perfect, I am far from it, but every night when I go to bed, I think...I am who I am, it is what it is, and I love me, I love my family, I love my true friends, and I love my life! I know that I have family and friends that love me back for a reason...because I am a good person. Can all of parents, teachers and administrators that judge me say the same thing? Maybe they are just jealous;)
Friday, March 14, 2014
ugh
So here it is March 2014...what can I say? If I had a couple thousand followers I could ask all of you to send me a few dollars to help pay for plastic surgery, but yeah, that won't work😉 I keep losing and the skin hanging gets worse. I am not complaining because I feel amazing, but I don't know which is worse looking... being fat or hanging skin. At least when I am dressed I look marvelous😎
Monday, January 20, 2014
It is never easy
Well here it is middle of January. I had my fill on Tuesday of last week. For you newbies, a fill is when the put saline in the band to make it a little tighter. This makes me eat less and feel fuller longer. Anyway, the first few days after the fill was fine, but the last few days it has been bad. Took some antacid this morning and it seems to be helping. All I can say is there is NO easy way to lose weight. What it feels like is pressure, like you are going to throw up constantly. I hope it is better this afternoon to have lunch with some of my amazing friends!
I have not exercised this week, mostly because I have not been able to eat and drink water, but mostly out of lack of motivation. I will get back on track this week. My goal this week will be to go at least four times. I REALLY hate exercising! Anyone have ideas on how to make it more fun? I have tried music, TV, reading, and just thinking...ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds this week...bad news is this is not a good way to do it!
I am a huge fan of General Hospital...Alexis from the show is having a girls weekend in Las Vegas and you can have dinner with her or breakfast...I think it would be so fun, but lack of funding keeps me from doing it...oh well.
Stick with your goals and see you soon!
I have not exercised this week, mostly because I have not been able to eat and drink water, but mostly out of lack of motivation. I will get back on track this week. My goal this week will be to go at least four times. I REALLY hate exercising! Anyone have ideas on how to make it more fun? I have tried music, TV, reading, and just thinking...ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds this week...bad news is this is not a good way to do it!
I am a huge fan of General Hospital...Alexis from the show is having a girls weekend in Las Vegas and you can have dinner with her or breakfast...I think it would be so fun, but lack of funding keeps me from doing it...oh well.
Stick with your goals and see you soon!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Learning is not just for students anymore
I have taken advantage of the extra days for winter break and purchased a few (4) common core books. I feel the need to explore the subject and learn on my own what this is all about. I have learned most of what I know through our curriculum director and his associate who shall remain unnamed but she works for the ROE - or that is what I was led to believe. What have I learned in the 110 pages I have read...
1) CCSS are not as bad as I believed. They do have a purpose and make sense if you read about them from experts.
2) CCSS is not a curriculum and should be used to help the district create a curriculum not just an assessment.
3) There are many teachers that have no idea how to read the standards and are teaching what they believe the standards are, but not what the students actually need.
4) What our district needs to do is to create a curriculum that focuses on common core in all content areas, not just reading and language classes.
5) We are teaching to an assessment that has no merit (the district assessment).
3) PLC time should be used to create a curriculum that meets the needs of the CCSS so that we are all teaching the same ideas and concepts. I find that each 7th grade teacher just goes off and teaches what they want and we are not all teaching the same ideas. I am sure it is the same for all grade levels. We need to have common formative (classroom observations and daily assessments) and summative assessments (end of unit, end of learning) so that we can compare all students in a grade level and not just by teams. Not just on test at the end of midterm.
4) We need NEW resources to help us implement the CCSS such as is indicated in the Appendices of the CCSS
5) Take PLC and team time to explore resources to help us become more uniformed in our teaching.
6) Although the CCSS does not talk about teaching the comprehension strategies after 5th grade, it is necessary to teach these in order for a student to be able to "read closely".
7) When students graduate high school the chances of them having to understand fiction at a job or in college is less likely than having to understand how to read non-fiction text, evaluate the text, determine if it is credible or not credible, and how to use the text to guide their understanding of their job or their research.
8) Many more new things!
How has this affected me and my teaching? I really wish there were a time machine to take me back to the beginning of the year and re-teach everything. I will be spending the remainder of this day planning a new unit that I will start next week. I learned that although I can't go back in time, I certainly can fix it for the remainder of the year. I am excited about learning more about the CCSS and how to implement them correctly in my classroom. I wish the district would have had us read and learn more about the CCSS before we started creating the new district assessments.
How does this relate to my weight loss? Learning is the key to any successful journey. My dendrites and synopses are on overload and exercise is the only way to calm them down:) I will be taking my tablet to the gym and while I am on the treadmill or exercise bike I will re-read the 110 pages and start annotating on how to implement these ideas into my classroom...can't wait for the new me mentally and physically:)
1) CCSS are not as bad as I believed. They do have a purpose and make sense if you read about them from experts.
2) CCSS is not a curriculum and should be used to help the district create a curriculum not just an assessment.
3) There are many teachers that have no idea how to read the standards and are teaching what they believe the standards are, but not what the students actually need.
4) What our district needs to do is to create a curriculum that focuses on common core in all content areas, not just reading and language classes.
5) We are teaching to an assessment that has no merit (the district assessment).
3) PLC time should be used to create a curriculum that meets the needs of the CCSS so that we are all teaching the same ideas and concepts. I find that each 7th grade teacher just goes off and teaches what they want and we are not all teaching the same ideas. I am sure it is the same for all grade levels. We need to have common formative (classroom observations and daily assessments) and summative assessments (end of unit, end of learning) so that we can compare all students in a grade level and not just by teams. Not just on test at the end of midterm.
4) We need NEW resources to help us implement the CCSS such as is indicated in the Appendices of the CCSS
5) Take PLC and team time to explore resources to help us become more uniformed in our teaching.
6) Although the CCSS does not talk about teaching the comprehension strategies after 5th grade, it is necessary to teach these in order for a student to be able to "read closely".
7) When students graduate high school the chances of them having to understand fiction at a job or in college is less likely than having to understand how to read non-fiction text, evaluate the text, determine if it is credible or not credible, and how to use the text to guide their understanding of their job or their research.
8) Many more new things!
How has this affected me and my teaching? I really wish there were a time machine to take me back to the beginning of the year and re-teach everything. I will be spending the remainder of this day planning a new unit that I will start next week. I learned that although I can't go back in time, I certainly can fix it for the remainder of the year. I am excited about learning more about the CCSS and how to implement them correctly in my classroom. I wish the district would have had us read and learn more about the CCSS before we started creating the new district assessments.
How does this relate to my weight loss? Learning is the key to any successful journey. My dendrites and synopses are on overload and exercise is the only way to calm them down:) I will be taking my tablet to the gym and while I am on the treadmill or exercise bike I will re-read the 110 pages and start annotating on how to implement these ideas into my classroom...can't wait for the new me mentally and physically:)
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Beginnings
Well it has been almost three years now and I have 1 been stuck at 185-190 now for almost 8 months. I am not happy that I can't loose these last 30 pounds...so here is my plan:
1) Join a gym - Done today
2) Go to gym at least 5 times a week. 3 days of cardio and 2 of strength - Cardio done today - bike for 30 minutes at maximum heart rate for 25 minutes. Swim for 20 minutes doing laps
3) Walk more at work
4) Get a fill asap
5) Alcohol only once a week
6) Drink 24 ounces of water a day (at least)
7) Bring a healthy lunch to work daily
8) Back on track with my protein
9) Plan and Cook meals at home no more eating out
10) Update my Blog at least once a week
On the upside I love the new improved me. I love the freedom I have to move around. It is those little things that I can do that amaze me the most...sitting on the floor and getting up...running upstairs, playing with the grandkids...
What did you make for lunch today. Love you all! I couldn't be where I am today without all of your support!!!!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Would I make the same choice again?
2 years ago on August 15, 2010, I was 285+ pounds. I began a 3 month weight loss program that the insurance company made me do to PROVE that I could lose weight. I finished the program on this date in 2010 and weighed in at 274 pounds. I proved I could lose weight. Over the next two months I went to the Bahamas and stayed at an all inclusive resort. Needless to say, I gained that weight back. Finally on February 15th 2010 I was "allowed" to get the surgery I desperately needed to save my life!
I am down to 185! I have been stuck here for a few months now, but it is not bothering me. I just remember the words my wise doctor told me once when I hadn't reach a goal, "Don't be mad at yourself. You took the biggest step in your life by having this surgery. If you hadn't of taken this step, instead of losing 42 pounds you would be well over 300 pounds by now and on your death bed." Wow, what a wise man! I know I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I also know that I will be able to do it! Most importantly though is that I know I will be able to maintain that goal for the remainder of my life. Yes, I have not lost weight in a month but I have not gained any back either. I guess I might be happy if I stay this weight for the remainder of my life:)
Some might say, I took the easy way out with the surgery. No, I can't say I agree with this. It has been a slow process. It has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been stressful, but it has taught me more about myself then I could ever have known before the challenge. During this process, I have gained some friends and lost some too. I was weak at times and let my pain and frustration come out and those who didn't understand, they left me. Those that were my true friends stayed and supported me. My one supporter that made the most impact when I saw that she was following me, passed away. Yes, it has been a difficult journey over the past two year, but in the end it has been worth it.
To those of you who are thinking of doing this surgery, do it! However, you have to know that the journey is long and not easy. You will lose friends, and you will gain new ones. You will get back your smile and your bounce. Your skin will sag where you don't want it to sag, and surgery may be out of reach for you, but you look amazing in your size 12 pants (soon to be size 10).
An example of friends that care:
I went on a girls night out last year. We went to the Safe House in Milwaukee for dinner. I did not know the password and had to make an idiot of myself in front of the entire bar. I was so humiliated because I had such a poor self image at that time. I had already lost weight, but all I saw was a fat girl with skin hanging everywhere. Then anxiety ridden, frustrated and stressed I ate to much and it was so painful. Walking back to the hotel I was so afraid I would puke in front of my friends I walked far away from them. I think they thought I was mad at them. At that point, I was not able to admit that I was in pain. I kept wanting to go into a bar, just so I could throw up and they just kept on walking. Until I was able to empty my bitty belly I would be in so much pain. Once back at the hotel, I was able to eliminate my over indulgence and enjoy the rest of the night. I look back and I can see how my friends might have thought I was a bit psycho. However, they never said a word, and continue to be my friends. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not psycho, just in pain. Lesson learned...do not over eat due to stress. Lesson learned, true friends understand when you go psycho, even if they don't know why:)
I am perfectly fine as long as I don't over indulge, eat to fast, or stress out too much. Everyone has some pain when losing weight, it is not that much, most of the time. You learn what to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat, and to chew, chew, and then chew more. It has taken me over a year to learn this and I have had help from some VERY loving, caring, friends and family.
Point being, I have lost 100 pounds (a whole person), I am off blood pressure medicine, off cholesterol medicine, I have more energy then I have had in about 30 years, I feel younger and I am a much happier, healthier person. Has the pain been worth it? YES! Would I do it again, YES! In a heart beat, especially when I see that look in Fred's eyes when he looks at me, and the feeling in his arms when he hugs me, and the laughs we have with my new found energy...it has all been worth it. No sadness for lost friends, much happiness for new friends, thankful for all my oldest and dearest friends. I am looking forward to the next challenge that comes my way:)
I am down to 185! I have been stuck here for a few months now, but it is not bothering me. I just remember the words my wise doctor told me once when I hadn't reach a goal, "Don't be mad at yourself. You took the biggest step in your life by having this surgery. If you hadn't of taken this step, instead of losing 42 pounds you would be well over 300 pounds by now and on your death bed." Wow, what a wise man! I know I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I also know that I will be able to do it! Most importantly though is that I know I will be able to maintain that goal for the remainder of my life. Yes, I have not lost weight in a month but I have not gained any back either. I guess I might be happy if I stay this weight for the remainder of my life:)
Some might say, I took the easy way out with the surgery. No, I can't say I agree with this. It has been a slow process. It has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been stressful, but it has taught me more about myself then I could ever have known before the challenge. During this process, I have gained some friends and lost some too. I was weak at times and let my pain and frustration come out and those who didn't understand, they left me. Those that were my true friends stayed and supported me. My one supporter that made the most impact when I saw that she was following me, passed away. Yes, it has been a difficult journey over the past two year, but in the end it has been worth it.
To those of you who are thinking of doing this surgery, do it! However, you have to know that the journey is long and not easy. You will lose friends, and you will gain new ones. You will get back your smile and your bounce. Your skin will sag where you don't want it to sag, and surgery may be out of reach for you, but you look amazing in your size 12 pants (soon to be size 10).
An example of friends that care:
I went on a girls night out last year. We went to the Safe House in Milwaukee for dinner. I did not know the password and had to make an idiot of myself in front of the entire bar. I was so humiliated because I had such a poor self image at that time. I had already lost weight, but all I saw was a fat girl with skin hanging everywhere. Then anxiety ridden, frustrated and stressed I ate to much and it was so painful. Walking back to the hotel I was so afraid I would puke in front of my friends I walked far away from them. I think they thought I was mad at them. At that point, I was not able to admit that I was in pain. I kept wanting to go into a bar, just so I could throw up and they just kept on walking. Until I was able to empty my bitty belly I would be in so much pain. Once back at the hotel, I was able to eliminate my over indulgence and enjoy the rest of the night. I look back and I can see how my friends might have thought I was a bit psycho. However, they never said a word, and continue to be my friends. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not psycho, just in pain. Lesson learned...do not over eat due to stress. Lesson learned, true friends understand when you go psycho, even if they don't know why:)
I am perfectly fine as long as I don't over indulge, eat to fast, or stress out too much. Everyone has some pain when losing weight, it is not that much, most of the time. You learn what to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat, and to chew, chew, and then chew more. It has taken me over a year to learn this and I have had help from some VERY loving, caring, friends and family.
Point being, I have lost 100 pounds (a whole person), I am off blood pressure medicine, off cholesterol medicine, I have more energy then I have had in about 30 years, I feel younger and I am a much happier, healthier person. Has the pain been worth it? YES! Would I do it again, YES! In a heart beat, especially when I see that look in Fred's eyes when he looks at me, and the feeling in his arms when he hugs me, and the laughs we have with my new found energy...it has all been worth it. No sadness for lost friends, much happiness for new friends, thankful for all my oldest and dearest friends. I am looking forward to the next challenge that comes my way:)
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