Well here it is middle of January. I had my fill on Tuesday of last week. For you newbies, a fill is when the put saline in the band to make it a little tighter. This makes me eat less and feel fuller longer. Anyway, the first few days after the fill was fine, but the last few days it has been bad. Took some antacid this morning and it seems to be helping. All I can say is there is NO easy way to lose weight. What it feels like is pressure, like you are going to throw up constantly. I hope it is better this afternoon to have lunch with some of my amazing friends!
I have not exercised this week, mostly because I have not been able to eat and drink water, but mostly out of lack of motivation. I will get back on track this week. My goal this week will be to go at least four times. I REALLY hate exercising! Anyone have ideas on how to make it more fun? I have tried music, TV, reading, and just thinking...ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds this week...bad news is this is not a good way to do it!
I am a huge fan of General Hospital...Alexis from the show is having a girls weekend in Las Vegas and you can have dinner with her or breakfast...I think it would be so fun, but lack of funding keeps me from doing it...oh well.
Stick with your goals and see you soon!
Myself
Monday, January 20, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Learning is not just for students anymore
I have taken advantage of the extra days for winter break and purchased a few (4) common core books. I feel the need to explore the subject and learn on my own what this is all about. I have learned most of what I know through our curriculum director and his associate who shall remain unnamed but she works for the ROE - or that is what I was led to believe. What have I learned in the 110 pages I have read...
1) CCSS are not as bad as I believed. They do have a purpose and make sense if you read about them from experts.
2) CCSS is not a curriculum and should be used to help the district create a curriculum not just an assessment.
3) There are many teachers that have no idea how to read the standards and are teaching what they believe the standards are, but not what the students actually need.
4) What our district needs to do is to create a curriculum that focuses on common core in all content areas, not just reading and language classes.
5) We are teaching to an assessment that has no merit (the district assessment).
3) PLC time should be used to create a curriculum that meets the needs of the CCSS so that we are all teaching the same ideas and concepts. I find that each 7th grade teacher just goes off and teaches what they want and we are not all teaching the same ideas. I am sure it is the same for all grade levels. We need to have common formative (classroom observations and daily assessments) and summative assessments (end of unit, end of learning) so that we can compare all students in a grade level and not just by teams. Not just on test at the end of midterm.
4) We need NEW resources to help us implement the CCSS such as is indicated in the Appendices of the CCSS
5) Take PLC and team time to explore resources to help us become more uniformed in our teaching.
6) Although the CCSS does not talk about teaching the comprehension strategies after 5th grade, it is necessary to teach these in order for a student to be able to "read closely".
7) When students graduate high school the chances of them having to understand fiction at a job or in college is less likely than having to understand how to read non-fiction text, evaluate the text, determine if it is credible or not credible, and how to use the text to guide their understanding of their job or their research.
8) Many more new things!
How has this affected me and my teaching? I really wish there were a time machine to take me back to the beginning of the year and re-teach everything. I will be spending the remainder of this day planning a new unit that I will start next week. I learned that although I can't go back in time, I certainly can fix it for the remainder of the year. I am excited about learning more about the CCSS and how to implement them correctly in my classroom. I wish the district would have had us read and learn more about the CCSS before we started creating the new district assessments.
How does this relate to my weight loss? Learning is the key to any successful journey. My dendrites and synopses are on overload and exercise is the only way to calm them down:) I will be taking my tablet to the gym and while I am on the treadmill or exercise bike I will re-read the 110 pages and start annotating on how to implement these ideas into my classroom...can't wait for the new me mentally and physically:)
1) CCSS are not as bad as I believed. They do have a purpose and make sense if you read about them from experts.
2) CCSS is not a curriculum and should be used to help the district create a curriculum not just an assessment.
3) There are many teachers that have no idea how to read the standards and are teaching what they believe the standards are, but not what the students actually need.
4) What our district needs to do is to create a curriculum that focuses on common core in all content areas, not just reading and language classes.
5) We are teaching to an assessment that has no merit (the district assessment).
3) PLC time should be used to create a curriculum that meets the needs of the CCSS so that we are all teaching the same ideas and concepts. I find that each 7th grade teacher just goes off and teaches what they want and we are not all teaching the same ideas. I am sure it is the same for all grade levels. We need to have common formative (classroom observations and daily assessments) and summative assessments (end of unit, end of learning) so that we can compare all students in a grade level and not just by teams. Not just on test at the end of midterm.
4) We need NEW resources to help us implement the CCSS such as is indicated in the Appendices of the CCSS
5) Take PLC and team time to explore resources to help us become more uniformed in our teaching.
6) Although the CCSS does not talk about teaching the comprehension strategies after 5th grade, it is necessary to teach these in order for a student to be able to "read closely".
7) When students graduate high school the chances of them having to understand fiction at a job or in college is less likely than having to understand how to read non-fiction text, evaluate the text, determine if it is credible or not credible, and how to use the text to guide their understanding of their job or their research.
8) Many more new things!
How has this affected me and my teaching? I really wish there were a time machine to take me back to the beginning of the year and re-teach everything. I will be spending the remainder of this day planning a new unit that I will start next week. I learned that although I can't go back in time, I certainly can fix it for the remainder of the year. I am excited about learning more about the CCSS and how to implement them correctly in my classroom. I wish the district would have had us read and learn more about the CCSS before we started creating the new district assessments.
How does this relate to my weight loss? Learning is the key to any successful journey. My dendrites and synopses are on overload and exercise is the only way to calm them down:) I will be taking my tablet to the gym and while I am on the treadmill or exercise bike I will re-read the 110 pages and start annotating on how to implement these ideas into my classroom...can't wait for the new me mentally and physically:)
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Beginnings
Well it has been almost three years now and I have 1 been stuck at 185-190 now for almost 8 months. I am not happy that I can't loose these last 30 pounds...so here is my plan:
1) Join a gym - Done today
2) Go to gym at least 5 times a week. 3 days of cardio and 2 of strength - Cardio done today - bike for 30 minutes at maximum heart rate for 25 minutes. Swim for 20 minutes doing laps
3) Walk more at work
4) Get a fill asap
5) Alcohol only once a week
6) Drink 24 ounces of water a day (at least)
7) Bring a healthy lunch to work daily
8) Back on track with my protein
9) Plan and Cook meals at home no more eating out
10) Update my Blog at least once a week
On the upside I love the new improved me. I love the freedom I have to move around. It is those little things that I can do that amaze me the most...sitting on the floor and getting up...running upstairs, playing with the grandkids...
What did you make for lunch today. Love you all! I couldn't be where I am today without all of your support!!!!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Would I make the same choice again?
2 years ago on August 15, 2010, I was 285+ pounds. I began a 3 month weight loss program that the insurance company made me do to PROVE that I could lose weight. I finished the program on this date in 2010 and weighed in at 274 pounds. I proved I could lose weight. Over the next two months I went to the Bahamas and stayed at an all inclusive resort. Needless to say, I gained that weight back. Finally on February 15th 2010 I was "allowed" to get the surgery I desperately needed to save my life!
I am down to 185! I have been stuck here for a few months now, but it is not bothering me. I just remember the words my wise doctor told me once when I hadn't reach a goal, "Don't be mad at yourself. You took the biggest step in your life by having this surgery. If you hadn't of taken this step, instead of losing 42 pounds you would be well over 300 pounds by now and on your death bed." Wow, what a wise man! I know I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I also know that I will be able to do it! Most importantly though is that I know I will be able to maintain that goal for the remainder of my life. Yes, I have not lost weight in a month but I have not gained any back either. I guess I might be happy if I stay this weight for the remainder of my life:)
Some might say, I took the easy way out with the surgery. No, I can't say I agree with this. It has been a slow process. It has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been stressful, but it has taught me more about myself then I could ever have known before the challenge. During this process, I have gained some friends and lost some too. I was weak at times and let my pain and frustration come out and those who didn't understand, they left me. Those that were my true friends stayed and supported me. My one supporter that made the most impact when I saw that she was following me, passed away. Yes, it has been a difficult journey over the past two year, but in the end it has been worth it.
To those of you who are thinking of doing this surgery, do it! However, you have to know that the journey is long and not easy. You will lose friends, and you will gain new ones. You will get back your smile and your bounce. Your skin will sag where you don't want it to sag, and surgery may be out of reach for you, but you look amazing in your size 12 pants (soon to be size 10).
An example of friends that care:
I went on a girls night out last year. We went to the Safe House in Milwaukee for dinner. I did not know the password and had to make an idiot of myself in front of the entire bar. I was so humiliated because I had such a poor self image at that time. I had already lost weight, but all I saw was a fat girl with skin hanging everywhere. Then anxiety ridden, frustrated and stressed I ate to much and it was so painful. Walking back to the hotel I was so afraid I would puke in front of my friends I walked far away from them. I think they thought I was mad at them. At that point, I was not able to admit that I was in pain. I kept wanting to go into a bar, just so I could throw up and they just kept on walking. Until I was able to empty my bitty belly I would be in so much pain. Once back at the hotel, I was able to eliminate my over indulgence and enjoy the rest of the night. I look back and I can see how my friends might have thought I was a bit psycho. However, they never said a word, and continue to be my friends. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not psycho, just in pain. Lesson learned...do not over eat due to stress. Lesson learned, true friends understand when you go psycho, even if they don't know why:)
I am perfectly fine as long as I don't over indulge, eat to fast, or stress out too much. Everyone has some pain when losing weight, it is not that much, most of the time. You learn what to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat, and to chew, chew, and then chew more. It has taken me over a year to learn this and I have had help from some VERY loving, caring, friends and family.
Point being, I have lost 100 pounds (a whole person), I am off blood pressure medicine, off cholesterol medicine, I have more energy then I have had in about 30 years, I feel younger and I am a much happier, healthier person. Has the pain been worth it? YES! Would I do it again, YES! In a heart beat, especially when I see that look in Fred's eyes when he looks at me, and the feeling in his arms when he hugs me, and the laughs we have with my new found energy...it has all been worth it. No sadness for lost friends, much happiness for new friends, thankful for all my oldest and dearest friends. I am looking forward to the next challenge that comes my way:)
I am down to 185! I have been stuck here for a few months now, but it is not bothering me. I just remember the words my wise doctor told me once when I hadn't reach a goal, "Don't be mad at yourself. You took the biggest step in your life by having this surgery. If you hadn't of taken this step, instead of losing 42 pounds you would be well over 300 pounds by now and on your death bed." Wow, what a wise man! I know I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I also know that I will be able to do it! Most importantly though is that I know I will be able to maintain that goal for the remainder of my life. Yes, I have not lost weight in a month but I have not gained any back either. I guess I might be happy if I stay this weight for the remainder of my life:)
Some might say, I took the easy way out with the surgery. No, I can't say I agree with this. It has been a slow process. It has been painful, it has been frustrating, it has been stressful, but it has taught me more about myself then I could ever have known before the challenge. During this process, I have gained some friends and lost some too. I was weak at times and let my pain and frustration come out and those who didn't understand, they left me. Those that were my true friends stayed and supported me. My one supporter that made the most impact when I saw that she was following me, passed away. Yes, it has been a difficult journey over the past two year, but in the end it has been worth it.
To those of you who are thinking of doing this surgery, do it! However, you have to know that the journey is long and not easy. You will lose friends, and you will gain new ones. You will get back your smile and your bounce. Your skin will sag where you don't want it to sag, and surgery may be out of reach for you, but you look amazing in your size 12 pants (soon to be size 10).
An example of friends that care:
I went on a girls night out last year. We went to the Safe House in Milwaukee for dinner. I did not know the password and had to make an idiot of myself in front of the entire bar. I was so humiliated because I had such a poor self image at that time. I had already lost weight, but all I saw was a fat girl with skin hanging everywhere. Then anxiety ridden, frustrated and stressed I ate to much and it was so painful. Walking back to the hotel I was so afraid I would puke in front of my friends I walked far away from them. I think they thought I was mad at them. At that point, I was not able to admit that I was in pain. I kept wanting to go into a bar, just so I could throw up and they just kept on walking. Until I was able to empty my bitty belly I would be in so much pain. Once back at the hotel, I was able to eliminate my over indulgence and enjoy the rest of the night. I look back and I can see how my friends might have thought I was a bit psycho. However, they never said a word, and continue to be my friends. I am not sure why, but I know that I am not psycho, just in pain. Lesson learned...do not over eat due to stress. Lesson learned, true friends understand when you go psycho, even if they don't know why:)
I am perfectly fine as long as I don't over indulge, eat to fast, or stress out too much. Everyone has some pain when losing weight, it is not that much, most of the time. You learn what to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat, and to chew, chew, and then chew more. It has taken me over a year to learn this and I have had help from some VERY loving, caring, friends and family.
Point being, I have lost 100 pounds (a whole person), I am off blood pressure medicine, off cholesterol medicine, I have more energy then I have had in about 30 years, I feel younger and I am a much happier, healthier person. Has the pain been worth it? YES! Would I do it again, YES! In a heart beat, especially when I see that look in Fred's eyes when he looks at me, and the feeling in his arms when he hugs me, and the laughs we have with my new found energy...it has all been worth it. No sadness for lost friends, much happiness for new friends, thankful for all my oldest and dearest friends. I am looking forward to the next challenge that comes my way:)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Your Still the One!
34 years ago I said I do and all the odds were against us making it two
years as a married couple. We had nothing, I was pregnant, no jobs, and
very young. Like the song says:
"You're Still The One"
YOUR STILL THE ONE!
Wow, a song has never meant more to me than this one!
The journey started 36 years ago at a Holiday Inn in Gurnee. It was there that I first met my future best friend and husband, Fred. The moment I set eyes on him, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with more than anything. It took him a little longer to realize it though. It was in March of 1978 he finally asked me on a date. I said "no"...it is better to make them want you! That night I was so upset with myself. What if he never asked me out again?
The next weekend I was at my friend Sue's house and he called and asked me out again. Of course I said yes this time. Since that first date we have not been separated for more than a week or two. We are soul mates.
When I discovered I was 18 and pregnant I was scared of my future. Would Fred turn and run from responsibility? He did have plans of college and a future in carpentry. Once I admitted to him, I was pregnant, he was overjoyed and as scared as I was. We made plans for a wedding. Everyone was trying to get me to make other choices, but I chose Fred and he chose me!
We have a lucky life with our children. We made mistakes because we were young and naive, but we must have done something right, because our children love and respect us. Now we are to the best part of our lives with an empty nest (since Jason was born 5 months from our wedding date, we didn't get to know each other very well before children). We are learning to be just the two of us and how much we really do belong together. We also have the joy of being grandparents and be young enough to enjoy them. They range in age from newborn to Freshman in high school. The journey continues everyday.
We have had our good times and bad times in our 34 years of marriage, but definitely more good than bad! We grew up together, we have laughed and cried together, we have been dirt poor and we have been at the top, we have planned our futures together, supported each other when those plans changed, we have made all our decisions together from what to have for dinner, to buying a new home. He has loved me through all of my drama and through thick and thin (literally and figuratively). He is my lover, psychiatrist, doctor, and most of all he has always been and will always be my best friend!
LOVE YOU BABY! You are my rock, my hero, my husband:)
"You're Still The One"
(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after
all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after
all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
YOUR STILL THE ONE!
Wow, a song has never meant more to me than this one!
The journey started 36 years ago at a Holiday Inn in Gurnee. It was there that I first met my future best friend and husband, Fred. The moment I set eyes on him, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with more than anything. It took him a little longer to realize it though. It was in March of 1978 he finally asked me on a date. I said "no"...it is better to make them want you! That night I was so upset with myself. What if he never asked me out again?
The next weekend I was at my friend Sue's house and he called and asked me out again. Of course I said yes this time. Since that first date we have not been separated for more than a week or two. We are soul mates.
When I discovered I was 18 and pregnant I was scared of my future. Would Fred turn and run from responsibility? He did have plans of college and a future in carpentry. Once I admitted to him, I was pregnant, he was overjoyed and as scared as I was. We made plans for a wedding. Everyone was trying to get me to make other choices, but I chose Fred and he chose me!
We have a lucky life with our children. We made mistakes because we were young and naive, but we must have done something right, because our children love and respect us. Now we are to the best part of our lives with an empty nest (since Jason was born 5 months from our wedding date, we didn't get to know each other very well before children). We are learning to be just the two of us and how much we really do belong together. We also have the joy of being grandparents and be young enough to enjoy them. They range in age from newborn to Freshman in high school. The journey continues everyday.
We have had our good times and bad times in our 34 years of marriage, but definitely more good than bad! We grew up together, we have laughed and cried together, we have been dirt poor and we have been at the top, we have planned our futures together, supported each other when those plans changed, we have made all our decisions together from what to have for dinner, to buying a new home. He has loved me through all of my drama and through thick and thin (literally and figuratively). He is my lover, psychiatrist, doctor, and most of all he has always been and will always be my best friend!
LOVE YOU BABY! You are my rock, my hero, my husband:)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
It is what it is!
Let me see, where do I begin? I have been through a lot in the last few months. I am at 100 pounds lost and feeling really good! I have the saggy skin now and it bothers me more now. I guess at first I was proud that I had lost all that weight and the hanging arms was a sign of success, now it is just a reminder of where I was. I wish I was rich! It is what it is! "It is what it is" happens to be my new motto. Today I am going to focus my blog on Family, Friends, and Work and how through it all, "IT IS WHAT IT IS!"
Friendship is a very hard subject for me to discuss. I really do not feel like I have very many "friends". I have people that love me and support me, but I don't think I have many friends, outside of family, that really truly know me and understand me. It really is not their fault, it is mine. I don't allow anyone inside because I have trust issues, if I can't trust you, I am not your friend. Through my life I have let people in to my life, heart, and soul only to be reminded that when it comes right down to it, when you really, really need them, they let you down. They get tired of your complaining, bragging, they stop listening or they do something stupid and they lose my trust. I have about three friends that I know are my best friends. I have had these friends for many years. Not that I talk to them every day, but I know if I called them, they would be there for me! I trust them to be there if I need them! You know who you are:) I also have friends that I love and I love to hang out with, but I don't let them in to the real me. They know me as a coworker or a friend of a friend, or someone fun to hang out with, but they don't know the real me. Best of all I am in the process of making new friends everyday! The good news is that I think I am in the process of making a new friend. I have one new person in my life that I think will be a best friend, I feel so comfortable with her and trust her with all my thoughts and secrets and she in return has let me into her life. It is exciting to make new friends. I am opening my self up more and more to accepting people in to my life. With opening yourself up, sometimes you set yourself up for disappointments, it is what it is though.
Family is where it is at! I look at my husband and wonder...why...why do you love me? In the long run the answer to that question can never be answered to my satisfaction. The fact is he does love me and that is all that matters. My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me! October 7th will be our 34th anniversary!!!!!! For a couple that were not suppose to last a year, we certainly have proved the statistics wrong. How did we last this long? Love, laughter, talking, arguing, making up, and just loving to be together! I never put anything above my love for him, not kids, money, jobs, or anything. I knew that someday the kids would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with my husband. In order for us to survive I needed to make sure I still had his love when they left the nest or I wouldn't have anything...they have all flown the nest and we are still as in love today as we were 34 years ago, and in many ways more in love than ever! In the last few months I have learned that my husband is more sensitive than I had ever thought in my life with him. I am working harder than ever to be more empathetic to his sensitivity. It is what it is and it is great!
My children...what can I say? I must have done something right in this area. Sure I made some HUGE mistakes as a parent, I could have been more sympathetic to their needs when they were little, but they always knew how much I truly loved them. They are all married to wonderful people, they are all wonderful parents, they all have excellent careers, and most of all they appreciate what I have done for them in their life of growing up. When they call just to say "I love you" That is truly the highlight of my life. It lets me know that even with all the mistakes I have made, I must have done something right to have my children love me as much as they do. I can't do everything for them and I can't make it all great for them, but I can be there for them when they need me! It is what it is and I love them with all my heart!
I also have the best sister in the world! I wish I could see her more often, but again, it is what it is:) When we do see each other it is like we are 10 and 12 again and my jaws hurt from the laughter. I could never have asked for a better sister in the world. My other sister is more difficult. I am trying hard to allow her back in my life, but it really difficult! I feel I need her in my life, I am not sure if I can have her in my life. It is a difficult situation and I need to deal with it, someday, not today. But no matter what she is my sister and I do love her, just not sure if I like her. Maybe the trust will come back, just not there yet. It is what it is and I have learned to accept my trust limits.
My husbands family is my family! I love them all and I know that if I ever needed anything they would all be there for me. I am so glad I have all of them in my life!!!! Dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles! They are are so special to me! The best days of my memories are spending holidays and pool days with this extended family. They accept me for who I am. In the last few months I have moved closer the the family and it has been great to get to know them better. It is what it is and it is not perfect, but it is mine...my family
My mom is a whole post of its own! Love her with all my heart and of all the people in the world she is by far my best friend! She is the person that created me and made me who I am! You should be proud mom, you did a great job. At least I think you did;) In the last few months I have thought about life without my mom and then I realize I don't want to think about it! It is to hard a concept to envision. I love you and don't think I can live without you in my life. It is what it is and you are the best mom in the world!
I have complained so much about work, I just want the world to know how lucky I am to be a teacher! I love the students and I love being with them everyday. I don't know what I would do without their smiles and laughter. This year I went back from my summer with a new outlook on my teaching. I am not there to make friends, I am there to make the lives of my students better, not the lives of my coworkers. I am there to be a teacher and not make friends. If people don't like me, it is okay...as long as you can work with me on a professional level, that is all that matters. In the past 6 months I have been let down by so many coworkers that I thought were friends. It made me a negative person, and there is no room for negativity at work! I learned that no one you work with is a friend, unless they support you in work and out of work. I have many people at work that are friends, and I have many people at work that pretend to be my friend. It is fine to pretend, but when it comes to my heart, don't break it! If I can't trust you to support me when we are in a meeting and you know I need the support you are not a friend, you are a coworker. If you think you can do my job better, you are not a friend you are a coworker. If you say, "yes" to taking something away from me without even thinking about how it would effect me and you are more concerned with promoting your career over our friendship than we are not friends. That is fine, just don't pretend. It is what it is, you made the choice, not me! I can still work with you, I can still like you, but I just don't think I can ever trust you again, and trust is what a friendship is all about. I learned that I cannot step over that line with many coworkers. When you put your heart out there and you get nothing in return it hurts. It is really funny, but with some coworkers you think they are friends, but once they leave or you leave, they are gone from your life too. That means they were never really a friend, they were coworkers...I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...I do this all the time to people and didn't even realize I was doing it to them. So many times I have stepped over the line and trusted a coworker to be a friend and when it came right down to it, they were just a coworker and not a friend...silly me! Don't get me wrong, all of my coworkers reading this, I have MANY friends where I work and I trust you! You know who you are, I tell you things I would never tell a coworker, I trust you! Some of you were coworkers, now you are not and we are still friends, I trust you! In the last year I have found that some, "friends" that I work with were not really friends, it is sad, but it is what it is, just don't trust them with your heart and secrets ever again. I am still open to making a coworker a friend, but it is really difficult to weed out the real friends over just a coworker. I may have trust issues in the future with all coworkers. It is what it is and it is work, not a social club!
I tend to write a lot when I have nervous energy...Sara is due any minute and I am so anxious to meet baby Holly! Tonight at 5pm will be the induction. It is what it is and we will find out soon if it is a boy or a girl!
It is what it is and it is great to be alive and loved by so many people, the ones that truly love me for me, the ones I trust, the ones that are in it for both of us...you know who you are! Love you:)
Friendship is a very hard subject for me to discuss. I really do not feel like I have very many "friends". I have people that love me and support me, but I don't think I have many friends, outside of family, that really truly know me and understand me. It really is not their fault, it is mine. I don't allow anyone inside because I have trust issues, if I can't trust you, I am not your friend. Through my life I have let people in to my life, heart, and soul only to be reminded that when it comes right down to it, when you really, really need them, they let you down. They get tired of your complaining, bragging, they stop listening or they do something stupid and they lose my trust. I have about three friends that I know are my best friends. I have had these friends for many years. Not that I talk to them every day, but I know if I called them, they would be there for me! I trust them to be there if I need them! You know who you are:) I also have friends that I love and I love to hang out with, but I don't let them in to the real me. They know me as a coworker or a friend of a friend, or someone fun to hang out with, but they don't know the real me. Best of all I am in the process of making new friends everyday! The good news is that I think I am in the process of making a new friend. I have one new person in my life that I think will be a best friend, I feel so comfortable with her and trust her with all my thoughts and secrets and she in return has let me into her life. It is exciting to make new friends. I am opening my self up more and more to accepting people in to my life. With opening yourself up, sometimes you set yourself up for disappointments, it is what it is though.
Family is where it is at! I look at my husband and wonder...why...why do you love me? In the long run the answer to that question can never be answered to my satisfaction. The fact is he does love me and that is all that matters. My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me! October 7th will be our 34th anniversary!!!!!! For a couple that were not suppose to last a year, we certainly have proved the statistics wrong. How did we last this long? Love, laughter, talking, arguing, making up, and just loving to be together! I never put anything above my love for him, not kids, money, jobs, or anything. I knew that someday the kids would grow up and leave and I would be left alone with my husband. In order for us to survive I needed to make sure I still had his love when they left the nest or I wouldn't have anything...they have all flown the nest and we are still as in love today as we were 34 years ago, and in many ways more in love than ever! In the last few months I have learned that my husband is more sensitive than I had ever thought in my life with him. I am working harder than ever to be more empathetic to his sensitivity. It is what it is and it is great!
My children...what can I say? I must have done something right in this area. Sure I made some HUGE mistakes as a parent, I could have been more sympathetic to their needs when they were little, but they always knew how much I truly loved them. They are all married to wonderful people, they are all wonderful parents, they all have excellent careers, and most of all they appreciate what I have done for them in their life of growing up. When they call just to say "I love you" That is truly the highlight of my life. It lets me know that even with all the mistakes I have made, I must have done something right to have my children love me as much as they do. I can't do everything for them and I can't make it all great for them, but I can be there for them when they need me! It is what it is and I love them with all my heart!
I also have the best sister in the world! I wish I could see her more often, but again, it is what it is:) When we do see each other it is like we are 10 and 12 again and my jaws hurt from the laughter. I could never have asked for a better sister in the world. My other sister is more difficult. I am trying hard to allow her back in my life, but it really difficult! I feel I need her in my life, I am not sure if I can have her in my life. It is a difficult situation and I need to deal with it, someday, not today. But no matter what she is my sister and I do love her, just not sure if I like her. Maybe the trust will come back, just not there yet. It is what it is and I have learned to accept my trust limits.
My husbands family is my family! I love them all and I know that if I ever needed anything they would all be there for me. I am so glad I have all of them in my life!!!! Dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles! They are are so special to me! The best days of my memories are spending holidays and pool days with this extended family. They accept me for who I am. In the last few months I have moved closer the the family and it has been great to get to know them better. It is what it is and it is not perfect, but it is mine...my family
My mom is a whole post of its own! Love her with all my heart and of all the people in the world she is by far my best friend! She is the person that created me and made me who I am! You should be proud mom, you did a great job. At least I think you did;) In the last few months I have thought about life without my mom and then I realize I don't want to think about it! It is to hard a concept to envision. I love you and don't think I can live without you in my life. It is what it is and you are the best mom in the world!
I have complained so much about work, I just want the world to know how lucky I am to be a teacher! I love the students and I love being with them everyday. I don't know what I would do without their smiles and laughter. This year I went back from my summer with a new outlook on my teaching. I am not there to make friends, I am there to make the lives of my students better, not the lives of my coworkers. I am there to be a teacher and not make friends. If people don't like me, it is okay...as long as you can work with me on a professional level, that is all that matters. In the past 6 months I have been let down by so many coworkers that I thought were friends. It made me a negative person, and there is no room for negativity at work! I learned that no one you work with is a friend, unless they support you in work and out of work. I have many people at work that are friends, and I have many people at work that pretend to be my friend. It is fine to pretend, but when it comes to my heart, don't break it! If I can't trust you to support me when we are in a meeting and you know I need the support you are not a friend, you are a coworker. If you think you can do my job better, you are not a friend you are a coworker. If you say, "yes" to taking something away from me without even thinking about how it would effect me and you are more concerned with promoting your career over our friendship than we are not friends. That is fine, just don't pretend. It is what it is, you made the choice, not me! I can still work with you, I can still like you, but I just don't think I can ever trust you again, and trust is what a friendship is all about. I learned that I cannot step over that line with many coworkers. When you put your heart out there and you get nothing in return it hurts. It is really funny, but with some coworkers you think they are friends, but once they leave or you leave, they are gone from your life too. That means they were never really a friend, they were coworkers...I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...I do this all the time to people and didn't even realize I was doing it to them. So many times I have stepped over the line and trusted a coworker to be a friend and when it came right down to it, they were just a coworker and not a friend...silly me! Don't get me wrong, all of my coworkers reading this, I have MANY friends where I work and I trust you! You know who you are, I tell you things I would never tell a coworker, I trust you! Some of you were coworkers, now you are not and we are still friends, I trust you! In the last year I have found that some, "friends" that I work with were not really friends, it is sad, but it is what it is, just don't trust them with your heart and secrets ever again. I am still open to making a coworker a friend, but it is really difficult to weed out the real friends over just a coworker. I may have trust issues in the future with all coworkers. It is what it is and it is work, not a social club!
I tend to write a lot when I have nervous energy...Sara is due any minute and I am so anxious to meet baby Holly! Tonight at 5pm will be the induction. It is what it is and we will find out soon if it is a boy or a girl!
It is what it is and it is great to be alive and loved by so many people, the ones that truly love me for me, the ones I trust, the ones that are in it for both of us...you know who you are! Love you:)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Looking to the Future
Wow! It has been 17 months since my surgery. In this time I have lost 95 pounds and went from a size 26 to a size 12. When I had 135 pounds to lose it felt hopeless. I cannot believe that I am this close to my goal! Like the doctor said, you have lost 95 pounds, but the reality is that you did not gain 25 or 30 more and be over 300 pounds now! It is so true...if I did not have the surgery I can guarantee that due to stress and nerves, I would have gained at least 25 or more pounds and would definitely be over 300 pounds now! It was not just a surgery, it was a life commitment to making myself better, inside an out!
So how does it feel to be smaller? Well, I can give you a few highlights...
* I can cross my legs
* I fit comfortably in an airplane seat and don't use the entire length of the seat belt.
* I am comfy in the car
* I can sit on the floor and get back up
* People do not stare at me in a restaurant
* People talk to me
* Not being embarrassed at picnics because I don't fit in the chairs
* I can buy normal clothes
* I have energy to do laundry
* I have energy to do a lot of things
* I have more self confidence
* I have more self esteem
* I cry a lot less and laugh a lot more
* I do not focus my entire life on food
* I can go on trips and enjoy the walks and sight seeing
* When Fred hugs me he can wrap his arms all the way around me
* So many more, I can't tell you all of them!
Looking to the future I am looking forward to a wonderful year teaching! I have more energy than I ever have and this will help put that spirit back into my teaching.
Looking to the future I am looking forward to making new friends and getting closer to my old friends. With my new confidence I am able to call people and talk to them like I was never able to do before. Over this summer I have made some very good friends (you know who you are). It feels good to have the confidence in myself to open up and allow people inside.
In the future I know that I will be able to handle stress and lack of confidence more positively. It hurts to know that I may have lost one of my best friends this summer. It hurts so bad in my heart and I want to call and make it better, but in this case, I know that I did not do anything wrong. I won't allow my lack of self esteem or self confidence allow me to allow anyone to walk all over me. Anyway, it is what it is. My point is that when this happened I did not turn to food...I was actually able to talk to my husband (after a few days of holding it in), listen to his advice, and move on without turning to my comfort of food! A year and a half ago I would have held this inside because I would have been embarrassed and blaming myself. Then I would have turned to food and gained 5 to 10 pounds...not the new me! I am looking forward to learning how to deal with stress without eating...please have patience with me as I learn to do this, I am new at it!
My future holds so many more possibilities for me. I am looking forward to an active, confident, and positive future!
Goals for my future, continue to portion my food, eating protein 1st. Drink more water (I hate when my mouth swells and hurts because I am dehydrated). Take time to do some type of exercise three to four times a week. Stay confident and continue to work out stress in more productive ways than eating.
Thanks to all of you for helping me and these last 40 pounds will be the hardest!
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